oh, anna [-hs]

jump into the fire

a/n It's like between every update you guys decide to give this book another 1,000 reads. lol. Thanks for all the support though for real :,)

42.

Lou:
The fuck does that mean

He left his phone on the kitchen table.

I didn't mean to glance over at it. I'm just sitting here eating a bowl of cereal. Harry stepped away for a second. Someone buzzed the front gate. He said it was his groceries being delivered.

My eyes dart to the screen and look over the text. The spoon hangs from my mouth. I'm definitely not supposed to read that. I look back down at my bowl.

The phone buzzes again. I press my lips together in a firmer line and stare daggers into the bowl before me. And again. And again.

So Louis' a double texter.

"Alright I'm back," he announces, carrying two full canvas bags at his side. He lifts them up to land on the kitchen counter between me and his phone. I sigh in relief and begin eating my breakfast again. "It's so nice out today," he gushes, and then looks down at the device.

His face falls.

"Ah," he huffs and picks it up, his thumb gliding through all of the notifications. "I'm going to... go... make a call."

"Okay," I shrug to try and show my indifference. He strides out of the kitchen. I hear his feet hitting the staircase as he climbs up and makes his way to his bedroom.

I wonder how that conversation is going to go.

Our conversation, last night, was scary. Terrifying actually. I know he was trying to make me feel better by acting calm and saying all those reassuring things.

The fact of the matter is, he loves me. In a way I personally believe is childish and doomed to fail before it even begins. But that's the way he feels. That's what he believes. And he's willing to break his heart over it when we crash in a fiery wreck.

And I love him back. But love means something very different to me. Love is the butterflies I feel in my stomach when he talks. It's the wave of fear that washes over me when I can tell he's upset.

I know it will fade. For me at least. And if it doesn't, something out of my control will pry it from my grasp.

Either we're going to tear each other limb from limb, or circumstances beyond us will destroy everything we've built. That's the way the world works. Like paper houses, houses of cards, towering in the sky only to come crashing down. I've never had it work out differently.

I know he disagrees with me. He's a hopeless romantic, the epitome of an optimist. I've always been a realist. Well, not always. My brother died and I became a realist.

It's insane how one measly event in your life can turn your entire existence on its heels. Suddenly you believe different things, you see things from an entirely new perspective. You grow out of childish notions like commitment, and happily ever after, and words like boyfriend.

I wish I hadn't more and more now. I wish I was still the fifteen year old girl, dancing through the house, singing to herself, watching romantic comedies and dreaming about her first kiss. Life is so much easier when you're ignorant to the pain of reality.

I think of the way I feel about Harry. My incessant need to make him feel better, protect him from every negative emotion. I remember the comment I made on the plane ride to Mexico, how it made him upset. My stomach turned to knots at the thought of hurting him.