You-Me-Us

Coming out

Jamies Perspective

When I was twelve, all my friends were starting to have crushes on boys. I used to pick ones that I thought were alright and say that I had a crush.

I thought that was how it worked. You just pick the least disgusting boy in your class, and then it's decided, he is your crush. 

Then, when I was 14, my friends had boyfriends. I was the only one not to have one, so I asked my boy bestfriend if he wanted to be my boyfriend. He said yes, probably just because he was also the only single one, but he said yes.

We continued to hold hands and copy things that our friends did with each other, but to me, none of it ever felt natural or right. But I thought it was just supposed to be that way and that it was normal. 

But one day my "Boyfriend" wanted me to come over, because he had to tell me something. We sat down in his room and he started crying. We had been friends since second grade but I had never seen him cry. 

"What's wrong?" I questioned him.

"I have a crush. But not on you" he stammered. I was sort of confused, as we had already been a couple for some months. "I have a crush on Peter" 

Peter was the guy most of the girls swooned over. Perhaps it was his hair or his expensive clothes, but I could never understand what they say in him. 

"So you're a homosexual?" I asked him. I had never been confronted with this topic before, but I knew that even though most people talked about it quite badly, it was a natural thing. 

He nodded in reply. His tearts kept streaming down his cheeks. I reassured him saying that he shouldn't cry about it because it wasn't something he could change. I was the only person he had told.

When I was laying in bed, back at home that night. My thoughts kept drifting to one of my friends. Sara was her name. Prior to the coming out I had experienced that day, I just assumed that I only liked her a bit more than the rest of my friends. 

She had beautiul shiny blond hair, her skin was pale like snow white and her eyes were the prettiest blue I had ever seen, they looked they a mix of the sky and the ocean.

I started to reconsider. Relationships with boys had never felt natural to me, and I had never liked any boy as much as I liked Sara. 

Was I a homosexual as well? A lesbian? 

I was scared. I knew that most people were homophobic but I also knew that I couldn't hide myself all my life. 

I decided to tell the only other gay person I knew, my ex-boyfriend. He was obviously accepting and promised not to tell anyone. 

Now looking back at it, I realize how hilarious and idiotic our relationship was. Two gay teens, peer pressured into a relationship by their friends, and breaking up because they realized they were queer. I kind of love it. 

Eventually, I became more and more sure of my sexuality and since my ex, his name was Mike by the way, had already outed himself to the whole school, I decided to do it as well. 

I lost a few friends by doing so, but considering the times, more than I had expected remained to be my friends. Maybe it was even a good thing that I lost some because the ones that stayed were the best ones. 

When I was at Bly Manor I told both Owen and Hannah about my queerness quite soon. They didn't really seem to care, as they only had eyes for each other, but they definitely supported me, as well as the relationship with Dani. 

I never came out to my parents, as they were never really present in my life anyway, most of my foster parents didn't really care about me so I didn't care about telling them.

My brother was one of the first to know I was gay. I told him just after I told Mike, and he also was  quite unbothered. "Good for you. Probably gonna get more girls than me." was the first things he replied. 

All in all, I am happy I came out to most people. It's like a  filter. Only the real ones stay.