My Path To Serenity

Chapter four

"You're what?!" I exclaimed, probably startling everybody around me. If they couldn't hear me then, they could definitely hear me now. "I'm eight weeks pregnant. I just came home from the doctors this morning, and the test came back positive." Her voice sounded shaky and on the verge of tears. My jaw dropped  in utter disbelief. I didn't even know where to begin truthfully, because I just had so many questions. I'd like to say that our parents were pretty understanding of us growing up, but when they found out Charlotte was pregnant for the first time, they were considering sending her to a boarding school, or some etiquette program, because they thought if their parenting didn't raise her to be smarter, then that would. They then realized that's not the right answer, but they didn't really know what was. They let her and the baby stay with them, and they'd occasionally watch Oliver on the days they didn't have to work. They took a tough situation and made it into an easier one, but now, she's pregnant again, and this time, I don't see them being understanding. (Which I don't blame them) I took in a deep breath and said, "so, mom and dad don't know about this?" "No, I had Tristian's mother take me to the hospital." Tristan was the father of her first child, and now her second. They're on and off, however, they're more on than off, so they try and make it work. "I don't think Mom and Dad would appreciate Tristan's mother going behind their backs to take you to a doctor.." "No," she sighed. "But I'm too fearful to tell them right now." I understood. "So, how do you really feel about being pregnant again? How does Tristian feel?" I could tell she was unsure, but she tried to put on her best front. "Tristan's excited, and so am I." "Really?" "Yeah, I guess. It'll be nice for Oliver to have a brother or sister." She gave up the false hope and cried, "I just feel more nervous than anything! I mean, we're only seventeen, and I don't even live on my own yet. Oliver and I are being supported by mom and dad already as it is, and I know they don't have the finances to support another." I put my head in my hands and shook my head in frustration. "I need your help, Allison." She admitted.

I scratched my head and briefly looked down at the newspaper below me. Subconsciously I was looking for a distraction from any unwanted feelings. "I will always be here for you Char." I tried to comfort her the best I could, but I was sort of at a loss for words. "How about we go out to dinner next week when I come back home from Vegas, and we can discuss this more then?" "I can't squeeze in that kind of time. Between school, home work, and Oliver, I just can't. How about I just see you in person next week, for the family thanks giving dinner?" She didn't bother to ask about why I was in Las Vegas, but I understand she has more on her mind right now. "Yeah, that sounds good," I agreed. She sighed with relief, "But hey, before we hang up, can I ask you something please? Something important?" I bit into my orange and took a sip of my coffee anxiously. She's probably going to ask me to watch Oliver for a new nights when I come home in hopes of gathering herself, or maybe she's going to ask for a small loan of money. I'd have to talk it up with Jasper, but I wouldn't mind sharing some of our money with her. "Ask away," I hesitated.  "You and Jasper make a decent salary.." she began. I cut her off because I thought I knew where she was going. "Look, I don't mind giving you a few hundred dollars, Charlotte. I doubt Jasper would mind either.. if that's what you're asking of me. We actually won a couple hundred dollars last night." I could hear her gulp over the phone.  "N-no, not quite," she stuttered. I got up from the breakfast bar and started to walk over towards the elevator. "I was wondering if..." she struggled to get the words out of her mouth. I pressed the elevator button and waited patiently for her to finish. "There's really no easy way to say this, but I'm going to say it anyways." She took in another deep breath. Her voice sounded frantic, and I instantly felt a deep sense of concern. "I'm not going to sit here and pretend that this is all fine and that I can do this. I firmly believe I'm not ready for another child. I thought it'd be best to look into adoption, but I don't want to give my baby away to just anybody.. not to some stranger, anyway." My heart ached for Charlotte now. I've never experienced a pregnancy in my life, so I'm sure that's hard. I think it's even harder when you're young, and you're not married. I think it's even harder when you don't have a career and the finances to support yourself and family. "I'm sorry you feel hopeless sis, but you're most definitely not alone in this." "Yeah that's the thing," she began. "I know I'm not alone. I know I have Mom, Dad, and you to support me." She didn't mention our brother, Benjamin. Which granite, I understand. Benjamin packed up and moved across the country one day to start a life of his own, on his own, and he rarely ever reaches out or calls us back. Benjamin's always been the 'fly under the radar and keep out of everyone's way' kind of guy, but never avoided our family. I guess he just got a little too comfortable being independent and decided he didn't need family to be happy anymore.

"Look, Allison, I know your doctor told you a couple years back that you weren't physically able to carry a child." I frowned and kept silent. Hearing the news from my doctor that my body isn't able to carry a child, was heart breaking to both Jasper and I, but we sort of came to terms and accepted that. "So, I was wondering, would you and Jasper like to adopt my child?" As soon as the elevator dropped, so did my stomach. I was at a loss for words, but I knew I had to say something. "Oh, Charlotte, I don't know about that." I confessed. It wasn't that I didn't want to take her baby, it's that I wasn't even sure how to raise a baby. I thought for certain I'd never have kids, so I never bothered trying to learn how to be a mother. Quite frankly, I've never even changed a diaper in my life! "I knew you'd be uncertain," she answered back. "I don't want to push that decision on you, but this is just an opportunity to have the child you've always wanted." I scratched my head and thought about that idea for a moment. It would be nice, but I don't know if we're ready. So, that's exactly what I told Charlotte. "I wasn't necessarily ready at first when I found out I was pregnant with Oliver, you know. It's just something to think about, Alli. I'm not pressuring you into taking this little boy or girl, but I feel like this baby would have a better life with you guys. I also feel that this is an opportunity of a life time." I gulped. "I'm not good with babies, I don't know how to feed them or even hold them for that matter!"

There was a moment of silence on the phone, and in that moment, my mind fluttered with ways of telling her I couldn't do it. 'I can't raise your baby for you.' I so badly wanted to say. 'I just can't see myself doing that.'  But then, my thoughts switched to faint memories of my childhood with my older sister. I used to help her tie her shoes, and I used to help her with her homework. I used to help push her on the swing set, and watched her fly high in the sky. I helped her learn how to ride a bike, and I helped teach her how to cook for herself when Mom and Dad would be working. My whole life I've always helped Charlotte, I need to help her now. I thought about what it'd be like holding what would be my baby in my arms. I thought of the excitement in Jasper's eyes meeting this little one for the first time, and I thought of how exciting it would be to be able to decorate the nursery room, or read my child books every night before bed. I thought of how lovely it would be to watch this baby grow up to be everything you've ever dreamt of. I thought of the purity, and the innocence of when a newborn holds your finger with their entire hand. I thought of all the giggles I'd get to hear, and the laughter this baby would bring to Jasper and I. I snapped out of this train of thought and focused my attention on the phone call. "Look, I'll have to talk this up with Jasper. He has a big say in this, too. I am definitely not saying yes, but.." she cut me off, "but you're not saying no either."