My Path To Serenity

Chapter seven

After coming home from church, I decided to change into something more casual. I threw on a pair of sweats and this band t-shirt I got from a rock concert ten years ago. I usually still manage to keep clothes looking new, even if they're a decade old. Except for that wedding dress of mine. Jasper, still in his tuxedo, went straight to the refrigerator to grab the wine bottle. "Ah, cheers to our last couple hours in Vegas," I clinked my glass with his, "And a cheers to us!" I took a sip and watched his grin as he stared at my face. "You even look beautiful in sweatpants and an old rock tee." I smiled and joked, "You still give me butterflies in my stomach, even with a black and blue left eye." He sat on the bed next to me and admired me. "Those vows were spoken as deep as they were on the night of our wedding. And hey, Allison, I'm sorry again about last night. I shouldn't of fought that guy, I know it was wrong. I just wanted to prove I was tough. To him, to me, to you.." I put my hand on his lap, shrugging it off. "It's all fine, Jasper.." He sighed and took in another deep breath, "And as for this morning, I should've been just a little more open to you at the diner." I took a sip of wine and spoke up, "Are you ready to talk to me about everything now? Can we discuss the situation with Charlotte and why you were so upset?" He rubbed his face with his hands and sighed deep. "Oh, I don't even know where to begin, Alli." I sat up straight and cocked my head a little in confusion. "That doesn't sound good." He shook his head, "No. It's not." He slugged down his cup of wine and poured himself another glass full. "Okay, here it goes.." I waited patiently. He sat down on the bed across from me and grabbed both of my hands. "You deserve to know the truth." There was a moment of silence, but that moment felt like a life time. "You're killing me, Jasper. Talk to me. Please." He didn't say a word, just looked up at me with tired eyes. Not the kind of tired eyes that you see when running off no sleep, but the deep kind of tired. The tired where you feel your soul never rests, and this was the first time I've ever seen the hurt behind them before. I cuddled up next to him and wrapped my arms around his body, giving him the comfort I knew he needed. "Listen, Allison, I should've told you this about me sooner," he began. Just tell me now! I so badly wanted to say. The anticipation was killing me. "So, when you told me that Charlotte was pregnant, I felt a little worried for her. But, at the same time I felt joyful for her, because as fucked up as it is that she's digging herself a deeper whole, there's also new life about to be brought into this world.. Are you with me so far?" I nodded in agreement. He looked down, "When you told me she's putting up her baby for adoption, I couldn't help but to feel this gut wrenching feeling in the pit of my stomach." He looked up at me in fright. "It reminded me of when I was just eight years old.." I didn't say a word, I just let him talk. I've waited all day to hear what he had to say, and I most certainly wasn't going to interrupt now. "I was just eight years old, playing baseball with my father in the front yard. After a few games, I pondered the question I wanted to ask my father since as early as 5 years old. I was hesitant to ask him this question that was on my mind for years, but that afternoon it just all came out of me. I couldn't hold it any longer, it was almost eating me alive." A tear rolled down his cheek, but he was quick to wipe it away. "I looked up at my dad and I said, 'daddy, why you do have bright red hair? But I have dark brown? Daddy, why do you and mommy have fair skin, and I have olive skin? And daddy, why do you and Mom have brown eyes, and I have blue? Why do you both look so different from me?'" I gulped. He's never told me this story before, but I knew where he was going with this one. I didn't say a word, just listened. "And that's when he tried to cover up the truth by saying, 'well son, we're all different'. Looking back, he probably said that to spare me from any feelings of abandonment. And I knew we were all different to some degree, but not that different.." I couldn't help the stream of tears falling down my face now, as I watched Jasper sit there and explain himself to me. "That's when my father cut our baseball game short, took me home, and sat me down with who I thought was my real mother. They then explained that I didn't come from the same blood as them, because I was adopted at just one years old. They comforted me the best they could in that moment by telling me they'll always love me like I'm their own blood, though. Later on when I was maybe seventeen, I demanded they tell me more of my life story..." he briefly stopped talking to take a deep breath and wipe away the tears streaming from his eyes. "Apparently, I was put into foster care because my real mom and dad, well, birth giver and sperm doner, were too addicted to drugs between being in and out of jail to take care of me. So, I was sent off to live in foster care for about a year until they came to save me. And don't get me wrong, I love the people that raised me. If it wasn't for them, who knows?" I just listened and listened while he went on. "But, I wish my birth mother got off the dope and decided to change. For her, and for me." I was bawling at this point. I threw myself into him, giving him the tightest hug I've ever given. "Jasper.. I had no idea that happened to you. I'm so sorry," I said soft. "Have you ever talked to your birth parents or met them?" He shook his head, "I've never met them. Apparently they'd send birthday cards in the mail and write occasional letters asking to meet up, but my adoptive parents didn't think it was a good idea." "I- I am so sorry," I said soft. "This whole time I had absolutely no idea.." He buried his head in his hands. "I never told you, because every time I think about it or I talk about it, it's just a slap in the face from reality to me." "At least they made an effort to reach out to you, right?" I tried to comfort him. He shook his head and rolled his eyes, "You call abandoning me from birth effort?  If they really cared they would've stepped up to be the parents their son needs. But, who can care for a child when you're too caught up in drugs? And now, I have an adoptive father who spends most nights at a bar, and too invested in money to care about anybody. You know, when I had just turned eighteen years old, I wanted to meet my birth parents so bad more than ever. I wrote them back for the first time, and I told them I'd be open to meeting them, if they were open to meeting me. But, I never received a letter back. So, I wrote them again, and again, but I didn't get anything back. It drove me fucking insane. And you know what? If they were to tell me right now they want to see me, I'd tell them to kick rocks." I let him continue while I listened to the rage in his voice as he cried. "Allison," he said shaky, "If Charlotte wants to give her child up for adoption, I respect her decision. But I will not be the one to raise someone else's kid, and I hope you can respect my decision."