An Eye For An Eye

Soixante-Six

As per usual, there was a queasy feeling in my stomach. This was my third full moon as a werewolf and I still didn’t have an anchor.

It didn’t matter how much or how often Deuc tried to reassure me that it was normal for me to not have an anchor yet, I still felt like I should have found mine by now. I didn’t even feel like I was close to it. And I was still terrified of shifting, especially when it wasn’t a full moon, when I wasn’t around Deuc.

“You’re thinking too much again.”

Deuc's breath tickled my ear and I leaned away from him, giggling. We were both sitting together on the couch but it would probably end up as cuddling, not that either of us minded.
“Huh? How do you know?” I asked.
“Because you have no idea what I’ve just said,” he said. I tried to think of what he had been saying but I had been completely zoned out.
“Yeah, you’re right,” I sighed. “I’m sorry.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked. I shook my head and shrugged at the same time.
“It’s nothing we haven’t talked about before,” I muttered before curling into his side again. The TV was on, even though neither of us were really paying attention.
“We can always talk about it again, I don’t mind.”
“I don’t want to talk about it again.” I wanted to find my anchor so I didn’t have to be so scared of shifting.

“Liza,” he said softly as his hand snaked around my waist. “It’s alright, you don’t even have to deal with turning properly. I know you don’t want to and I don’t want to put you through it if you really don’t want to.”

I knew of some of the ways other packs dealt with newer werewolves without anchors and I was glad. Being chained up in a basement was a lot less fun when you were trying to escape as a werewolf with insatiable bloodlust. And having strange spiky contraptions put around my head and wrists sounded like something that happened to Jesus. It wasn’t something I wanted to experience and thankfully Deuc had no plans to use those methods on anyone.

He reached out and took my hand.
“I know I’ve said it before, but I’d rather I help you through this while you’re alive,” he said. I nodded. He had said it before, many times before. And I agreed with him, I’d rather struggle with full moons than have died.
“I know,” I said quietly. “It’s not that I’m ungrateful… I just…” I couldn’t find the words.
“I know. It’s bad enough for those that didn’t know we existed, I can’t imagine what it would be like if you were raised to hate us.”

I suppose that did have a part in it, maybe larger than I realised.

My hand, my claws were digging into the flesh of his hand and I jumped, feeling the familiar fear that came with an Alpha’s roar.

He pulled me tighter, his hand left mine and wiped it on his jumper before running his fingers through my hair.
“That’s it for another month,” he whispered.
“It’s like a period except this is like, five days shorter,” I said, trying to make myself feel better with humour. Deuc laughed and shook his head slightly, his fingers still running through my hair.

I could easily tell him I loved him.

But I didn’t want it to be now. Not now, on a full moon, while I was shaking and still slightly terrified that I’d turn again even though I knew it wouldn’t affect me until the next full moon. I buried my face in the crook of his neck and closed my eyes.

I love you still felt so easy, as if it could just carelessly slip from my tongue.

But not right now. Maybe tomorrow or the day after but not tonight. At least I was certain that I loved him, it was something that was unquestionable now. I loved Deucalion. I loved him like kids loved snow days, like a worker loved the end of the day and like a moth drawn to light. I had the feeling I was the moth and he was the light but whichever way it was, I loved him.

And still, I had no idea how to say it to him, or when other than right now. And while I had the feeling that I was thinking about this too much, I just let him hold me in his arms, and kiss my forehead as his fingers ran though my hair.