Yeet Saga: Origins

The Yeet Saga Part 6

Once Ralph finished his noods, he sat down on the couch to watch Gravy play Titanfall, and the couch ate Ralph, then burped as Ralph must've tasted good. 

 "Fuck that was nasty" the couch said. Nevermind, guess I was wrong.

"That lil fuckin canadian twink finna give me heartburn."Gravy and Cairo both just stared at the couch in shock.

"Since when could couches speak?"

"SINCE WHEN COULD COUCHES VORE PEOPLE?!" Cairo shrieked, then kicked the couch.

"Fuck man that hurts! What do you have iron feet or some shit?"

Cairo gasped. "It speaks my language..." he approached the couch slowly from behind, cautious. "Hoaw couch, me friend. Me pay big bill on apartment. Me buy you from Ikea. You speak now, why? You life?"

The couch just sighed. "You sound like a homosexual apache. Stop talking like that before I kick your ass. Yes, it was I who transformed into a couch and snuck into Ikea. They have cinnamon rolls and they smelled good. Almost as good as spaghetti."

Gravy just kept staring. "You... you ate that lil' yankee..."

"Yeah? And? No one is ever home, let alone sits on this couch. They're always out doing drugs deals in Bolivia or licking Harley Quinn's coochie."

Cairo gasped for like the upteenth time today. "It knows Gwyn..."

"Hell yeah. We wuz kangs back in high school. The name's Sofa, but you can call me Sophia. Or Sopapia. I truly do not care."

"Well uh... nice to meet you Sofa. So why did you kill Ralph?" Cairo asked.

"Ralph is moving and hasn't been reading Cairo's stories so he has no plot relevance right now."

"Sounds like you were inserted for the sole purpose to push the narrator's plot agenda." Gravy said rather eloquently. Cairo just looked over at him slowly, surprised someone with that strong of an Alabama accent knew such multisyllabic words.

"Nah, not really." The couch seemed to pause for a moment as Gravy went on a killing spree. "Anyways, you see, I kind of have a problem. Once I transformed, I couldn't figure out how to un-transform. I have a shit in my ass that's been there for months, I can feel it, but I don't have a butthole. Also I can't walk. Also, I miss being able to wear my diaper. I figured now was the perfect time to ask the both of you: I need your help."

As the crew stood mouthbreathing at the shock of a couch swallowing someone alive like an image off RUle34 irl, a dark fedora'd figure lurked, squatting like a latino ninja atop a lightpole. Who is this dark figure, and what the shit fuck is he doing?