love you always

positively miserable

I was 9 months pregnant, and I wanted nothing more than to not have my daughter pressing on my bladder 24/7. Every time Derek or my friends would try and be positive, I would shut them down. I was miserable.

"Hi baby" Derek said when he got home from work. "How are my girls?" he kissed me softly, "UGH I HAVE TO PEE AGAIN" as I ran off to the bathroom. I was warm, sweaty and uncomfortable so I decided to lie on the cold surface of the bathroom floor. Derek walked in the room and looked down at me "Mer what are you doing on the bathroom floor" he helped me up. "Your kid is making me miserable can you please tell her to stop kicking and pressing down on my bladder. He leant down and lifted up my top. "Ella be good for mommy".

I walked out the bathroom and into the nursery Derek and I decorated last month. We had just finished setting up the maternity photos on the wall above her changing table. I looked at them and smiled. A couple of them were of Derek and from the gender reveal. My favourite was the one Derek had taken of us when were lying in bed, just talking about how we wanted to raise her. I was wearing my grey Dartmouth shirt that he had pulled up to show my bump. He took it right after he made some stupid comment on how we wouldn't let Ella have a boyfriend or girlfriend until she was 25. I was laughing, Derek had a huge smile over his face and it was perfect. It was a perfect moment, and I loved the photo.

I walked down to the sofa and lay down, putting my legs across Derek. "I'm sorry I'm grumpy all the time, I just hate being so... pregnant" he ran his hands through my hair "that's okay, your having my baby, so i'll forgive you this time" we both laughed "i love you, and i can't wait to meet our daughter, even if she does make me feel like crap".

The next day, we were discussing how long we wanted Derek's mother to stay after i had Ella. "A month is too long, she has a life Derek, she's not our servant" i said "Mer she would willingly live with her grandchild if she could, she doesn't mind how long" he replied, sounding tired from waking up every time i woke up in the night and had to stumble out of bed to pee. "2 weeks is all we need, so we can get used to being parents by ourselves after, she is just helping because it's a lot to take on all at once". We finally agreed on 2 weeks.

Carolyn was lovely, don't get me wrong. I only met her for the first time a couple months ago. And i liked her, it's just a lot, living with 2 new people. I didn't dare say a word to Derek, he would lecture me on how great of a mother i would be. But inside, i was freaking out, what if she hates me, what if i don't know how to look after her well, what if i'm like my mother, what if she grows up feeling lonely and unwanted, Derek and i were both surgeons, which meant we were almost always busy.