love you always

welcome to the world

"Oh my god this hurts" i breathed, "I know i'm sorry" he replied, did he really just say he knew. "Excuse me? you know? you know what it feels like to have a contraction, or to know that your about to push a baby out of a very small hole in your body!" i bit back. "I'm sorry, no i don't know what that's like, but i know that your in pain". The contraction slowed down "I'm sorry it just hurts and i just want it to be over". He grabbed my hand and nodded, tucking a loose strand of hair behind my ear.

4am
I was now at 9cm and all i wanted to do was sleep, obviously i couldn't. I knew labour hurt but you never imagine this much pain is physically possible until you experience it. "I need to push" i screamed through the most intense contraction i have had so far. Derek stood beside me, not letting go of my hand.

4:15am
"It's time" the midwife said, snapping on a pair of gloves and wheeling her chair over between my legs. "Okay Meredith, a nice big push" I pushed as hard as i could, despite wanting nothing more than to just go to sleep. "Well done Meredith, push on your next contraction" she said. Derek drew circles on my back, something that normally i would have found comforting, but just made me want to shout at him. "Please don't do that" i uttered, he stopped, not making eye contact with me. "Another one" i exclaimed as another contraction started, i pushed again, my lower back felt like it was being stabbed. "Meredith, you need to keep pushing" i know she was just doing her job, and i knew i was supposed to keep pushing, but in that moment, all i wanted to do was lift up on of my legs and kick her of the stool. I held back, as i pushed again. I cried out loudly, gripping Derek's hand for life. "Mer i love you keep going" I pushed once more harder than ever. I had never felt so much pain in my life, i was tired, sweaty, but none of that mattered anymore. Crying of a baby filled the room. I leant back on the bed, as Derek cut the cord. Seconds later, the midwife placed our daughter on my chest. She cried and fussed for a few minutes but stopped stirring and just lay there on her front.

Derek sat on the bed beside me, he looked into my eyes as our daughter wrapped her tiny fingers around one of his. He kissed my head "Mer i love you, and i'm proud of you".

Our daughter was born at 4:24am, June 4th. Ella Marie Grey-Shepherd.

6am
After the nurses took her to get weighed and cleaned up, we sat admiring her, i didn't want to let her out of my sight, but i was more exhausted then i had ever been. I asked Derek to hold her while i got some rest. He sat on the end of my bed, admiring the tiny human we had made. The moment felt so surreal, you watch movies and read magazines about having babies, and you never expect them to play out like they do on screens. Everything i read was true, i had an overwhelming sense of love and the need to protect her. In that moment i swore she would never be allowed to leave my sight.

8:34am
I woke up to a screaming baby, Derek gave her to me and the nurse told me it was time to try feeding her. I sat up, pulling her closer to me, "shhh shhhh, your okay baby girl" I had no idea what to do. The nurse stood on my left side talking me through as Derek texted our friends and family, letting them know that she had been born.

It felt odd at first but i got used to eat, she lay flat against my chest, as i fed her, she already had a small amount of blonde hair on her head. Derek took a picture of us, he was sat next to me, admiring our daughter, i didn't even realise until he had showed it to me that my hair was a mess, i had the worlds biggest eye bags, and all the makeup i had worn had smudged off.

"I look a complete mess" i laughed, brushing through my hair as Derek stood up, swaying Ella. "You look beautiful, you always do" he smiled at me. I rolled my eyes, i reached into my bag and answered all my messages, congratulating us.

The next day, we were allowed to go home, i had a couple of stitches so i was told i needed to not stand up or move around a lot, and no sex for 6 weeks. I hadn't even thought of sex, and now i had to wait 6 weeks to get laid. I sat on the bed, dressing Ella, while Derek got the car seat and bags ready. Her first outfit was important to me, it was the one she would have her picture taken in, the one she would wear home for the first time, and the outfit i chose for her meant something to me. I don't know if Derek caught on to the whole outfit theme, but i hadn't told him why i chose this specific outfit. It was a white onesie, that had tiny grey stars on it, and a rainbow in the middle, because Ella Marie, was my rainbow baby. I also put a little white hat with a tiny rainbow on the side on her head. I picked her up, getting ready to put her in the car seat. "I like the outfit, she's going to have good style" Derek commented lightheartedly. I smiled back, "why the sudden love for rainbows?" he questioned. I just shrugged "they're just cute, like her" i kissed her nose and gently placed her into the car seat. Derek buckled her "You ready?" I nodded, sliding into the wheelchair.

(maybe tw?) this chapter is happy, but i also wanted to include rainbow babies because it's not a very talked about subject, and miscarriages/infant loss, is awful, but also more common then you may think. My love goes out to anyone who has had experience with infant loss, miscarriage or infertility. I'm so sorry and keep going, your amazing <3