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I'm too tired to write a paragraph, it felt weird. It was like being a child again. The tone? It was scary it made me feel bad and trapped. My chest felt heavy i didn't know what i did to deserve that kind of reaction. I don't even know what to say. It's mean. I feel like a verbally abused child again. Didn't even apologize for what was said. Why don't i just block him? 

I hate comparisons, people who compare me to others or to themselves. It's pathetic in a way i can't really explain you see, there's this one guy that keeps doing that to make himself feel better. He's constantly telling me that his English is better than mine. i don't really mind that i don't care if you're better. The problem with him is that he degrades me to feel better.
          I've never been in situations like this, toxic pathetic people were not in my circle. Now we have him. 

Tuesday, October 29th.
          Deleted all my accounts with everyone in them.
          Distractions, we don't want that.
          I will change this time, i promise you. 

Everyone's lives got better, look at mine.
          Crumbling before your eyes.
          I am severely depressed, lazy (tired) and i have no will to live, i just wanna disconnect from everything.
          I wanted to become a professional pianist but because of my depressive symptoms i couldn't, i carried this dream for four years.
          I always wondered what is like to have a real dad.
          To be loved properly, are you stupid? If i dissappear would anyone care honestly?.
          Tears are running, confused angry.. Disgusted.
          I mostly find it pathetic when i talk about my mental state, wich was never stable.
          As to now i have bpd, depression and social anxiety. I try to make people feel special, l care about them like no one cared about me. I knows how much it hurts to be left. So i push myself to not act mean but sometimes i just lose control.
          Maybe in this life time i will never be happy, become a professional pianist, heal.
          And the thought of that makes me sick.
          Treat people how you want to be treated they say. Yet no one i have ever met had done the same thing for me.
          what if i was raised right, from the start?.
          what if i wasn't neglected?
          Too late to ask. Death? Is actually the answer.
          I have dairies, if they miss me they have it.
          I have messages with everyone, they could reread it. But attention when it's given after death, you know it's meaningless.
          Do i wish i had a different life? No. I wish i can die for a period of time t

Harsh days huh?, to see them all change and continue on with their lives. Like you were nothing?, do i hate them? No.
          I don't know what to say i really have no words just bored and sad!.
          - “no one noticed”

Bruh anyways, idk what to tell you but life is fucked istggg 

18, but late

Well, i don't know what to tell ya

i don't want to get older and become an adult

et voilà.