🍃ℛ🍃

I finally told someone about you. 
          For years, I've been hiding the fact that I've been grieving. Who would understand? No one would. No one understands sometimes the bonds you hold with someone, even if you don't know them in person. It's so hard to admit it out loud for the world to hear. 
          The someone is one of the bestest friends I've ever had. They treat me the same way that you did: cares for me, sees me as a person, and treats me like I'm someone and not just a speck of dust. This person I feel so comfortable with allowed me to open up last night about you. 
          I told them everything about you. I told them your journey and your passions. I told them how you would swoop in at just the right times and leave when I was ready for you to go subconsciously. It's almost divine, like you were an angel sent to teach me, to comfort me, to push me to be who I am. As I said all this, I began to choke up and wanted to cry, but I held myself together. 
          I fear the worst has happened to you, but I also believe you were an angel sent to me, even though that sounds trivial. I pray for your return or to even catch a glimpse of you passing by on the street magically without me knowing. 
          I miss you so much. Life is difficult, but whenever I feel like I'm dragging down, I think of you. 

I'm back, but with a new profile. A profile that tells my last chapter that you completely missed. 
          I've been reminiscing the past few days. I'm debating, waiting, thinking. I woke up this morning and my brain jumped to you. I wandered back to this gravesite to give my prayers and condolences, place some fresh flowers along the wilted, and speak with your ghost about life. So much has happened. Hopes and dreams have come true, but some have shattered along the way. I'm married, happy, and have found a part of myself that I've doubted for a long time. 
          So many friends have come and gone, but I find my way back to you. I want to tell you the excitement I felt for a year, the backstabbing that crumpled me afterwards, and the power I found within myself to get up and find who I am. I think about you and if you had ever found yourself, stood up for yourself, yelled from the top of your lungs about who you truly are. I think about you and I want to think you're okay somewhere in the world, happy and smiling; but there is still a part of me filled with doubt, a part of me that thinks the absolute worst. 
          When I look at the sky, I wonder if it's the same sky you see. Truly you have been one of the bestest people to come into my life, and yet, maybe it was our time to part. Fate has a funny way of weaving into that stuff, huh? 
          One day I'll find you. And if not, you'll be in my heart forever. I'll continue to remember when you came back, I was on the floor at school, waiting for the gym doors to open. Maybe when you come back, I'll be in a similar, lame position. And if you don't, I'll look up at the sky and wonder if we see the same sky—whether that be from here on earth or up somewhere above that is not from this world. 
          Here are my flowers I give to you: self worth, love, and cherish. You ARE loved and wanted, even if it never feels that way. <3

Half a year has passed. And so much has changed. 
          I identify as asexual biromantic. Bit of a mouthful, yeah? It kind of is, but it makes me happy. I now feel like I have something there to really show me that I'm normal. I've never truly felt normal. I think it was the asexual thing. Our society is so screwed up with the topic of sex. 
          *He* also knows. He accepts every part of it. How difficult is it to find someone so accepting of something so drastic in such a little amount of time? I really should keep him, shouldn't I?
          Senior year is... tough. I've been struggling with my workload, but it's getting better. I'm stressed as hell, I'm tired as all get out, but I'm almost done. I'm almost done and then I can go to school for what I truly want to do in my life. That will be the absolute best. 
          I really miss you. I come to Wattpad to write, to support authors, but I also come to Wattpad to try and find you. I probably will never, but it's worth a shot, right? Maybe you'll find me and we will talk for hours and we will meet up and spend a whole day together. I miss us. I really really do. 
          I hope you're well. I hope everything's better. I hope you're HAPPY. You deserve to be happy, even if it's been years since we've last talked. With the shit you've been through, you deserve every last drop of happiness in this world. 
          I love you. <3

Two months have passed by and I'm terrified. 
          I'm about to enter the year of school I never thought I would get to. I don't know why I never thought I would reach this point in my life. Was it because of my depression? Of my pessimistic attitude? Whatever it was, it never prepared me for the present day. 
          I've decided; I've decided to come out as bisexual. I feel like I've been suppressing all my feelings for years and years and years now that it's finally boiled up and spilled to the floor. I've told random people in my life here and there, but I can never manage to just flat out say it to *him*. I'm not sure how to. I don't know how he's going to react. We've been planning on spending the rest of our lives together, so why can't I blurt out this one small thing that probably wouldn't matter anyways? Is it because I'm afraid I'll lose him? Is it because I don't want to lose hope in my future? I don't know, but it kills me every single day that I can't seem to spit it out and say it to his face. 
          I'm confused and I feel lonely on this journey. Sure, I have my friends by my side, but you're the longest friend that has seen every part of my being since my lowest of lows to my ever growing highs. You are the person who I've waited for, the one I've managed to always reflect back to, no matter how much it kills my soul that you'll never come back. You're the friend who has held me up when I couldn't. 
          Wherever you are, I hope to feel your strength of courage inside my soul to help me carry on in the future and not care what other people think of my choices. You've always been that role model for me, showing me that I can be someone I want to be, even if no one else likes it. I hope to be you and find my way through the world with a little piece of you inside my soul. 
          I really do miss you.

Whenever I keep thinking of you, I get a stab of pain inside my gut because I know you're never coming back. It's such a painfully obvious outcome, but there's still that stupid amount of small hope inside me that hopes--prays--to see some kind of activity spark on this grave. 
          I need to travel across the sea to find you; I will one day and I'll put posters all around your country to try and get you back. Not on Wattpad, but on some platform to communicate. And if you don't live in your country no longer, someone will find you. Someone will inform you. They will pass on my contact information and give back some hope inside me to know that you're okay. 
          I don't like to think about what kinds of outcomes came from these years of losing you. I like to think you escaped, found the one you'll love for years, be your true self instead of being stuck behind walls that try and form you to something you're not. I like to keep happy thoughts about our past time and what you're doing now. I really really hope you're in university now, gone from whatever life that tried to keep you down. I really pray that you're okay and happy and able to be someone who you are. 
          Why do I keep coming back to a fcking grave? Why do I keep finding some kind of possible glimmer of anticipation that I'll find you again? I'm bringing myself down because of it. I'm being an idiot; but I can't help it. I can't help but yearn for your presence again and comfort me and just be the big sister I never had. 
          Why can't I just get over it and move on?

Ah, fck, I'm back to visit your profile again. 
          I feel like I keep walking a few blocks down from my house to a small graveyard where I will stand everyday at a forgotten grave that will never be mentioned again, yet I still bring a fresh flower everyday--all kinds, every color, different scents--as a sign that the grave is still remembered. 
          This profile is that grave. 
          I have grown so much this year. So many of my opinions have changed, I have totally pushed away all opinions my parents have to create my own. I stand for the right things instead of being silent, I discuss major issues that need to be brought up, I wear rainbow stuff proudly because I might be bi or demi. My whole person has changed, and for the better I feel as if. 
          You were like my internet mom, carrying me through my hard times and giving me strength and courage to continue through each day. You were a role model, my older sister figure. Now that your profile is left as a grave, I feel like I visit that site to mourn over a loss that I have never been able to let go from the back corners of my mind for years. 
          You left such a huge imprint on me that you are the person I look forward to seeing the most if there is ever a message to come up once more in my inbox. 
          I doubt it. 
          Wattpad feels as if it is getting old, turning a new era. I'm becoming the old lady on the platform. Sometimes, I even contemplate if I should still be on here even with all my followers, but one of the reasons I stay is because of you. I wait day and night, waiting for a ghost to rise from the dead and hold me close. I wait hopelessly, endlessly to find my best friend again.
          And yet again, I still find myself at a grave where no ghost will appear, no matter how hard I will it to.

I'm back again. You probably will never come back on to Wattpad, this account now a ghost lost to the endless amount of abandoned accounts on the site, but I miss you so fcking much, you have no clue. I hope you're doing well and that you are sticking to who you truly are. I will find you again one day, I just know it. I will meet up with you and we'll hang out for days on end, talking about who we once were and who we have become. You're the number one person who had pushed me through my hard days, even if you weren't present for them specifically. You were my anchor, the person who I could trust my heart and soul with. 
          I really wish I could talk with you right now. There's so much that I need to discuss with *someone*, but I feel like I can't with anyone. You're the one that I feel like I could rely on with my turning thoughts and feelings inside. If only I could talk with you one more time, I feel like I could get everything out, everything that I've been struggling with internally and my new coming freedom that I could go and find you with. 
          I know it's insane that I would still think back to you after years of us never uttering a word to each other, but I think about you constantly. You were the person I counted on the most, the person I looked forward to speaking with every day. I miss you, my best friend, and I will never stop thinking about you or what you've done for me in my life. <3

I keep coming back to your page, waiting for you to join Wattpad again. I miss you so much and think of you time to time. I hope you're still okay and that you'll come back strong. Sometimes it brings me to tears to just remember you and remember how strong you've always been. I hope we cross paths again one day. I love you, best friend. <3
          - Lana

I don't know where you went again, but I love you a hell of a lot. If you don't come back on the platform, I'll leave this message here for everyone to know how great of a person you are. Love you, Yara. Please be okay and God is watching out for you.  <3

Remember when we were small children that wrote a fanfic about Gravity Falls? And I fangirled over this one kid at school? And how my life fell to crap but you were there to rescue me? Even the length of the entire heavens doesn't add up to how much I love you. Thank you, best friend, for always being there. <3