Under The Mistletoe

Part 31

Panic

I got to work and got settled into work and got busy working with music, which kept me in the booth and out of the way for as long as possible. Things didn't get as ugly as I thought they would but it got rough. I wound up just ordering lunch in and got home just before sundown.

I picked Lisa up and we had a nice lunch. She asked me a ton of questions about my boyfriend. I answered the ones I could and shrugged off the ones I couldn't. She cut me some slack. We shopped for a while and we ended up getting that mani/pedi. It felt nice to be pampered for a bit. I got home and wrapped his presents and got them under the tree before he got home. He looked exhausted. I was glad that I had already ordered our usual from the Chinese place for dinner.

"Hi. Man, what a long ass day," I whispered and smiled. "I think you're singing tonight." I kissed her and smiled. I loved listening to her sing. "Missed you." I kissed her again a little more carelessly then stepped back. There were presents under the tree. "Don't we have to ship those?"

I let him fold me in his arms and kiss me silly. "I ordered dinner already. I missed you too." Singing by myself made me nervous. "The ones I need to ship still need to be wrapped. The ones under the tree are from me to you."

I just looked at her with as blank a stare as I could muster. I felt my jaw drop and my head shake. It was too much. I tried to say as much that came out a garbled mess. I hate it when speech fails me and it just did in marvelous fashion. I was still clueless on what to get her. It was our first Christmas together, I felt nothing but pressure to do well in the gift-giving department.

The look on his face told me that he was surprised. He wasn't forming actual words and he was really flustered. I hugged him tight and closed his mouth. I kissed him softly on the lips. "Please don't freak out on me. I promise you, it looks like more than it is. After we light the candles I will show you a couple of other things that I got us." I moved away from him as the doorbell rang.

It was too late. I was freaked out and I couldn't talk either. That made it very difficult to express myself clearly. I tried to calm down by distracting myself with getting the table ready for dinner. God, I hoped that was dinner at the door. I wasn't expecting anyone. I didn't even think about what would happen if that was someone we didn't want to see or worse. She tried to come over way too often. I seriously considered moving once I got settled with the idea of having a girlfriend to be loyal to again. That took longer than it should have just because I was a chicken. I was shaking by the time I got the plates to the table. It was all too much. The gifts, the door, and the stress from the day. It all hit me at once and it hit me really hard. I sat down because there was no way I was keeping my feet.

He was as white as a ghost and sitting at the table when I got to the kitchen with food. He was just staring blankly and had only managed to get two plates to the table. I set the food down and knelt in front of him. "Are you feeling okay?" I was very concerned.

"I'm gonna be sick." I moved a fast as I could and just made it to the bathroom weakly slamming the door behind me. I was suddenly very miserable.

I followed him to the bedroom, but he slammed the door to the bathroom. I heard him get sick. I knocked on the door and let myself in the bathroom. I wet a washcloth for him and handed it to him. "Did you eat something bad, or did you need to talk about something?"

I sat on the floor and just looked at her weakly. This was all so new to me. No one ever cared enough to just barge right into the bathroom when I was sick. I felt clammy and weak and absolutely incapable of getting up. I whined. I was pretty sure it wasn't something I ate. I would have gotten sick much sooner in the day if it was. I shook my head as best I could, tried to get up off the floor and just lay there instead. I tried to get the washcloth to someplace it would help and failed. I was hot and dizzy and altogether miserable, but under it all, I felt loved. That made me smile as much as I physically could which wasn't much. Talking was out of the question. The vocal strain from the past two days was enough compound that with throwing up and I was done using my voice for a while. Was I sick? I moaned. I didn't want to be sick. Not for the holidays.

I grabbed another washcloth and wet it. I grabbed the other one from him. I sat down next to him and held one to his forehead and the other to the back of his neck. I got him to hold each of them while I pulled his hair into a messy bun, and away from his face. I turned the water on in the tub and started to run him a bath. "Sit still and relax. I'll be right back." I got up and went to grab two bottles of water. I handed one to him and took the washcloths away. I helped him sit up on the closed toilet lid. I took his shirt off of him and threw it in the hamper. "Small sips and deep breaths." When the tub was full enough, I stood him up and stripped him the rest of the way and helped him into the tub. I made a pillow out of a hand towel and laid him down against the back of the tub. "Just relax sweetie. I'll be back in a few minutes." I went to the kitchen to prepare him a cup of tea with honey and lemon and to put dinner in the fridge.

I nodded and complied. What else was I supposed to do? I was so close to shutdown mode. It had been so long since my anxiety had gotten bad enough to physically affect me so profoundly; literally years. I rolled to my side and pressed my back against the side of the tub so I was facing the wall. I wet my face to hide the tears and closed my eyes. I practiced breathing like I was instructed and remained as curled into a ball as I could. I ruined dinner and felt guilty. We were gonna miss the candle lighting, but I knew from being ill during Hanukkah in the past that it really didn't matter when the candle was lit, just that it was lit and thanks given. I cried myself to sleep.