Will You Ever Notice? (Bad Girls Series #2)

Chapter 34

Chapter 34

"Did he hurt you again?" Lael asked and I heard the contained anger in his voice. "Zen... did he make you cry?"

Napasinghap ako at napapikit nang mariin. Kahit na hindi n'ya tukuyin kung sino 'yon, I figured that it was Seve he was talking about.

Narinig ko ang mahinang mura ni Lael at ang marahang paghigpit ng yakap n'ya sa akin.

We're standing meters away from the venue. Dinig na dinig ko pa rin ang classical music galing doon at ang ilang ingay galing sa mga estudyante.

Naramdaman ko ang paghaplos ni Lael sa buhok ko at parang kumakalma ang sakit na nararamdaman ko dahil doon.

"How can I let you go... when I know that you'll only get hurt if I did?" He said and my heart clenched in soothing pain.

I want to tell him that he can just choose to not let me go... but God knows how bad I am with words. God knows how I struggle to admit what I feel. Ni sa sarili ko, hindi ko magawang aminin agad ang nararamdaman.

Pero sa pagkakataong 'to, gusto kong baguhin 'yon... dahil...

Mahal ko si Lael.

"It hurts so bad..." I mumbled and silence enveloped the two of us. "It hurts so bad, Lael," I confessed as I felt the painful clenching on my heart.

Naramdaman ko ang paglalim ng paghinga ni Lael at pakiramdam ko, lalo s'yang nahirapan dahil sa sinabi ko. I feel like he's angry... not at me but at the things that cause me pain.

Natahimik kaming dalawa at ramdam na ramdam ko ang higpit ng pagkakahawak n'ya sa'kin... hindi masakit, pero ramdam ko ang pagpipigil n'ya sa sarili.

"Choose me," he said and I closed my eyes. 

"Choose me, Zen," ulit n'ya, na para bang hindi sapat no'ng unang beses. 

"I'll treat you better," he mumbled. "I'll love you and take care of you. Just choose me," he begged.

Uminit ang puso ko sa sinabi n'ya. Pakiramdam ko, matagal n'ya nang gustong sabihin sa akin ang mga salitang 'yon pero pinipigilan ang sarili dahil ayaw n'yang pilitin akong gawin ang bagay na hindi ko naman gustong gawin.

Humigpit ang pagkakakapit ko sa damit n'ya at napapikit nang maramdaman ang lason sa isipan. 

I want to tell him what I think... para alam n'ya kung ano ang ikinakatakot ko. At kung iwan n'ya ako dahil napagtanto n'yang tama ang lahat ng ikinakatakot ko, I will let him go. I will try to heal alone... and move on from everything. Parang imposible pero susubukan ko dahil kailangan. 

"I don't deserve you," I mumbled.

I thought that it will take him a while to reply pero agad s'yang sumagot sa sinabi ko.

"Zen, I don't want you to feel worthy of someone else but me," Lael said and I bit my lip. "If you don't deserve me, then I don't want you to feel deserving of somebody else."

Napasinghap ako dahil sa sinabi ni Lael at malakas na gumalabog ang puso ko.

It sounds so selfish but I liked what he said because it consoled my coward heart and assured my failing faith.

I don't deserve someone like Lael but I want to be. Pakakawalan ko ba ang pagkakataong 'to dahil lang pinagdududahan ko ang sarili ko?

He's like a blessing to me; a blessing that I received although I'm undeserving and underqualified. At kahit na hindi naman ako karapat-dapat, ibinigay pa rin sa'kin ang bagay na 'yon dahil inilaan talaga 'yon para sa'kin.