Her Name | pjm

February .Preface.

I looked at the blood on my hands, slowly but surely dripping down, slipping through my fingers, without any chance of being contained. Tears were blocking my view, blurring everything around me. Swiftly, catching them with the tips of my fingers I swallowed all the screams inside. The emotions raging inside were twirling, intertwining, unsure of which one to allow through. I lifted his head closer to me, looking into his eyes I could count the minutes left for him to stay. I felt my tears streaming down my face, falling onto his. I tried to keep my eyes as light as possible, I didn't want him to see my fear. I wanted to look at him with all the might that I had, to show him that I am not afraid, that this is not as serious, that his wound can heal.

I felt his hand move and ripped my eyes away from his face, as he was slowly trying to reach me. Without any second thoughts I grabbed it and lifted it to my cheek. In contrast to my face, his hands were freezing cold - a gloom but sure indication that we have minutes left, that my naive refusal to acknowledge the reality of the situation we are in was slipping away. For the last time I looked around, foolishly hoping, that maybe a miracle will happen and someone will find us. But the building was still as empty and quiet as it was this whole time. I looked back at him and tried to smile. "Everything will be fine, help is coming, you will be fine" I kept repeating. His lips formed a smile, yet his eyes were screaming in pain. His lifeless hand slipped through my fingers and fell beside his limp body in to the puddle of blood.

"I'm sorry " he whispered. I tensed up. I couldn't do this now. Please don't apologise, please survive somehow and do it later. Please don't do it now.

"I know you are, but now is not the time. Please, keep your strength, don't talk now." I tried to sound as strong as possible, but the tremble in my voice betrayed me instantly. I pulled him higher, kneeling on the cold cement, grasping his hair and wrapping my other arm around his body, letting his head rest on my chest. "We will make it through, you will make it through"

"I won't have another chance to say this. I am sorry Kieran, I am incredibly sorry. If I could have done things differently, I would have. But at the end, I don't regret my choice at all. You have always been my priority, and I'm happy I had the chance to prove it to you." His voice was shaking, lips barely moving. What little colour was left in his face has disappeared now. It was obvious that every word took a little bit of life from him.

"Please, I beg you, shut up, contain your strength, we can talk about this later." I felt my fake calmness dissipating. He's not going to make it. He is not going to make it, I cannot heal him and there is no one here. This is the last time you see him, this is the last time you hold him. Frightening thoughts crept straight into my mind, making me realise, that whatever act of nonchalance I was putting up, it will not hold any longer. I was angry, I was heartbroken, I was betrayed and fooled by this man. Yet all of that was done for my sake. Every little step he has taken was for my benefit, and I couldn't understand it. And I closed my heart, and I closed my soul and pushed him out with all my strength. But now, looking at his desperate eyes, I understood, that his feelings were sincere. The choices he made were absolutely ruthless, but none of them were made to harm me. I saw his love in his gaze. Looking at him now, I realised that he probably didn't have much faith at a happy ending himself. He knew how everything will pan out, and he knew that he would leave me at the end. Leave me to collect the pieces. I love you. I love you. I love you and I loved you and I will always love you. Panic started to overflow in my body, I started to shake. There was no denying it, all of my numbness, all of my negligence was fading, it was all a facade to protect my dignity, that I was so sure he trampled.

"I am so sorry, I should have known, I should have seen through it, all of your deceits, I should have seen it through!" I yelled. Not even noticing I clutched him even tighter, lowering my head to the crook of his neck. "I should have known, I am so sorry, I am so sorry, please don't go, please don't leave me, I beg you, hold on. Hold on for us, fight for us, someone will come, someone will help, just hold on until then... Please do everything you can and stay with me. We still need to go to that beach. You promised me, you promised that we'll go to the beach, that I will drink my cocktails and bask in the sun, you promised that you'll be there with me. You said that you'll never leave, that you'll stand next to me through every step of the way." I kept wailing into his neck, unable to focus on anything else except how cold he felt. I felt a smile creep up his face. I pulled back and looked at him. Not a smile, the infamous smirk. He is dying on my hands and smirking?

"It's ok" he whispered still smirking. "Just say you love me, it will be shorter." a small giggle left his mouth. I stared in utter shock, how could he keep his snarky comments even at the brink of death? Caressing his face with my hand I quickly recollected myself and forced a smile back.

"I lo-" my sentence was left unfinished. In the midst of it he exhaled, and didn't take another breath. His eyelids closed and head fell back. I grabbed his face with bloody palms and started to shake him.

"Please, please wake up, I beg you, please don't leave me, please!" My screams echoed on the walls of the damp abandoned building. Utter fright hugged me, I felt unbearable weight push my chest down. I tried to keep looking at his face, but the tears kept coming. Everything became a complete blur, and reality started to slip through my fingers. The fatigue and emotional damage was starting to pull me into a deep sleep, yet with whatever last strength I had I pulled him in, clenching on to him like life itself, fearing that once I wake up he will not be close anymore. Dizziness was taking over and I felt myself becoming weaker, losing grasp of everything around me.

How many things would I have done differently, if I had known this was how it would end? I felt my body slowly falling next to his. I wouldn't have wasted a second of our time, I would have never fought with him, I would have spent every moment together. I would have saved him. I would have never let him go. My head hit the concrete floor, hands still pulling him onto my chest. I felt my body becoming damp from the puddle of blood underneath us, it was getting hard to breathe. I would have told him that I loved him. I would have given him the world. I would have pulled him out, I would have pulled us out. I felt my legs going numb, my head was spinning and everything started to dissipate. I would have done so much more. If only I would have known.

And then everything went black.