Her Name | pjm

September .C h a p t e r O n e.

Franticly grasping through every pocket and compartment on my body I exhaled furiously. "How in the world do I lose my goddamn phone on my goddamn first day of university?!" I absolutely could not believe myself. Great Kieran, you're going to be late, and everyone will stare at you. Well, they are going to stare at you anyways, but now they will double stare at you.

"Language!" -  Dan exclaimed. "You are a lady, how can you use such a vocabulary? " He wrapped his arm around my shoulder, pulling my phone out of my jackets pocket. I facepalmed and gestured him praying hands. "Thank you, Dan. I'm just panicking, I'm sorry " My older brother giggled and ruffled my hair. "You have nothing to worry about. Ye-jun and Yu-jun will take you to the campus and will make sure that you're safe. They are already in the car. "

Exactly, Dan. That is the problem. I collected my breath and chose a fighting stance. Fending my feet against the ground with all my strength, I removed Dan's arm. A wave of worry flushed through his face. I took a deep breath and turned to face him. It's now or never.

"Dan, that is one of the reasons why I'm worrying. I understand that due to our.. erm.. your lifestyle it is preferable and logically best decision for me to have some sort of protection", I saw him nodding. I knew that I had to place my words carefully, any slip and the battle will be lost before it even began. "It absolutely made sense when I was younger and you were more active in erm.. your business activities." Dan narrowed his eyes, while I kept stumbling on my words. "However, I believe, it is time for me to start living my life as a normal person. I am in no way included in your activities, and no one has ever tried to reach me, harm me or even talk to me about it. I'm not even sure people from your .. circle know that I exist." I saw my mistake, Dan instantly took a defensive stance. "Of course people know, Kieran. What are you saying? You're walking everywhere with Ye-jun and Yu-jun, people that are in my line of business know those guys. Obviously they understand that those two are not your simple buddies!" Dan started to wave his hands around. Even if he was still against it, I knew this was a good sign, every time he would wave his hands crazily, the number of his arguments would be slimming. However, I, had several more.

"That is true Dan, people knew them and therefore knew me. However, no one has ever approached me. The .. business men that you work with understand that I am in no way involved in the circle." I saw him trying to butt in and started to talk faster and louder, without giving him a chance to interrupt. "So I was thinking, since the university is a bit far, and we've moved to this town not too long ago, not many people actually have seen me. I'm not sure anyone from such line of business here has seen me." I saw him slowly grasping what's about to come, but his stance has become less defensive, in a way giving me some strength to continue. "Therefore, I would like to offer a proposal of sorts..." He narrowed his eyes and crossed his arms. I was stalling, thinking of how to put my words better so that he would not misunderstand. I took a strand of my hair and started to twirl it in between my fingers. I felt panic and anxiety overflow my body, doubts filling my head. How am I going to say it, why did I choose now? I should have picked a better time. Kieran you're an idiot.

"Well spit it out! " He urged impatiently.

"I want to move out." I blurted. His jaw dropped open, and I rushed to diffuse the situation. "Don't get me wrong! I don't want to move out, like move out, but since the university offers living on campus for its students, I would like to try it out. I would still be living not more than an hours ride away, and we could meet up whenever you wanted." Dan was about to recollect himself and speak, but I interrupted again. "Dan, I love you, and I know that you would have never chosen this life for me if you could have, and both of us do not want me to be a part of this. I honestly believe that me living apart from you guys, and walking around without my security guards will be much safer. Every time I'm with them I feel like I'm screaming that I'm a part of a mafia." I dropped the forbidden word. I saw Dan's shoulders slouch a bit. He knew I was right. I was a part of this family, but I was never introduced to the business itself. It was both Dan's and mine wishes. And he was absolutely sure to keep his word and keep me out of it. Yet, every time I would go out, I would always go with Ye-jun and Yu-jun, who never really learned how to blend in. The twins were both tall and very muscular, always wore black clothing with sunglasses. If that was not screaming fishy business I don't know what was.

"You.. I.. " Dan was stumbling on his words. I saw how my proposal made sense in his mind and how franticly he was searching for a logical argument to reject this. I was preparing for this talk for the whole summer, I just didn't think it would slip like this, near the coat rack at the entrance of my house, an hour and twenty minutes before first day of university begins. Time was ticking, I didn't want to be late, but I also did not want to push him. Biting my lip I waited for his answer anxiously.

"I don't know, Kieran. I understand your reasoning, and it does make sense, but letting you be alone? Without any protection? It sounds way too dangerous."

"Dan, there are phones. I can call you anytime I feel unsafe. But have I ever? Has there been a situation where my safety was compromised in any way?" At this point, I was incredibly happy for not telling him about that one time when I snuck out right before my sixteen birthday and was almost kidnapped by several men with masks. They were trying to drag me into a black van, what they didn't expect was that I would fight back. Even if I was not a part of the family business, it didn't mean that the twins didn't teach me how to protect myself. If Dan would have known about this, I would have never gotten the chance to be alone. Of course, back then, my reasoning for not saying this was a bit different - I simply didn't want to hear him nag about how "I told you so, you should have listened to me, you should never leave alone" nagging.

Dan was thinking profusely about this. His brows narrowed and the wrinkle in between showed the prints of age that came too soon. He was only five years older than me, but anyone would have given at least ten. His brown eyes started to scan mine, searching for any indication of wavering in my decision. Without finding one he spread his arms in defeat and threw out the most irrational argument ever.

"How would you even get a room? The semester has started already, and I believe the roll ins happen in summer? " I smiled victoriously, making him even more confused.

"Dan, would I have started this conversation without taking care of it? " His eyes widening, the realisation of a lost fight overflowing. "I already booked a room. I took care of everything back in June just in case you would agree. I can move in whenever."

Dan simply leaned to the wall and released a small giggle in defeat. "Jesus, Kieran, you're full of surprises aren't you? I feel that not having you in my business is a loss for me. The way you prepare everything scrupulously, how you plan every detail out, how you check every outcome and account for it? You really remind me of dad sometimes.. Damn, Kieran you'd be a great tactician, I can't deny that." Seeing him smile allowed me to relax a bit. I understood why he thought so - I would always plan in advance, I'd make sure that I would prepare myself for every outcome, especially the one that I would hope for. I smiled back and looked into his eyes hopefully. I really did not want to push him, but the time was ticking, reminding me of where I needed to be. I saw him thinking about my proposal, but his face was a lot calmer, I couldn't help but feel that I was winning this fight, I needed one last push. Of course, my impatience could be accounted either as immaturity or determination, and I was highly hoping that he'd see it as the latter.

"Dan, please let me do this. Let me try and build a life for myself, let me have my independence. If anything goes wrong I will inform you immediately. Please?" I urged him and looked at him with the best puppy eyes I could muster. He giggled again. I won.

"Let's do it like this. Go with the twins today -" I immediately wanted to protest, but Dan shushed me. "Go with the twins today, let them drive you so that you wouldn't be late. After classes, come home with them and we'll help you pack. " After hearing his words I simply grinned victoriously. "Oh for goodness sake, Kieran, what now?!" Dan exclaimed waving his hands again.

"Dan, I've had my luggage packed since I knew that I was accepted for university housing. I am ready to move now." Dan simply took his face in his hand, pressing on his temples with his thumb and index finger. "You will never cease to amaze me, Kieran." he mumbled under his breath while I simply kept grinning.