Her Name | pjm

December .C h a p t e r T w e n t y E i g h t.

We were cuddling in the bed of my old room, enjoying each others company after a quite steamy make out session. Both of us wanted to have more fun, but with the ruckus outside there were no chances to relax. It felt like somebody might run in at any moment.

"I really can't wait before we come back home and have the place to ourselves." Jimin pouted while playing with a strand of my hair. I smirked at the idea of staying alone with him, yes that does sound like fun. "I hope that Dan will come back soon and with knowledge of the wills location." I sighed, but Jimin didn't look to excited. He said that it'd be smarter to figure the mole out first and get all information from him. I pouted a bit, still thinking about my struggles.

"I still have a couple of weeks until finals and I studied fairly hard this semester, but I'm not feeling confident that I'll get good grades if I don't put additional work in now. But there's just no time.." I complained, while Jimin nodded in agreement. I found little time for my studies, barely any for Jimin, and absolutely none for our friends. Luckily, Kaia was still buried in her books, something Jimin knew from Yoongi's complaints, so she didn't take much notice of my absence. But putting every argument aside, I simply missed the calmness of my previous life. Not too long ago my biggest issue was the length of my dress or homework, and now I have to make daily decisions about who will get hurt for someone else's benefit. I raised my arm and rested it on my eyes.

"What's wrong, baby?" Jimin asked, raising himself up, so he'd see my face better, "Not feeling well?" I really didn't know what to say. I was feeling incredibly conflicted. Jimin took my hand from my face and placed it next to his lips. "Talk to me, what's up?" I could sense worry in his words. How could you have gotten this lucky, dumbass? I giggled at my own thoughts and Jimin lifted his brows. "I'm just happy that I have you." I told him half of the truth. He smiled but shook his head. "What else?" Jimin asked never removing his eyes from mine. Damn, he really reads me like a book. I sighed and sat up, making him change his position too. We both rested our backs to the wall, I kept thinking how to place my words and Jimin waited patiently. "I really don't know how to explain this.." I began, "I really wanted to run away from this life. I mean, don't get me wrong, I was not a part of this before but I still had some knowledge of it. And I hated it, Jimin. I hated that my brother is a part of this, I hated that the twins are a part of it. I hated that I didn't have any freedom. That's why I went to university housing, I wanted to escape." Jimin kept looking at me, without saying a word. "But the moment when I finally managed to run away, this, all of this caught up to me and I got dragged in even deeper." Jimin finally narrowed his eyes and whispered "I'm sensing a but here.." I smiled, still impressed by his intuition. "Yes, there is a but. I really don't know how to explain this, I don't like the job, I don't like what we do here.. but I like the authority? No, not that.." I tried to collect the correct words, but Jimin beat me to it. "You like the leadership, Kieran." I looked at him, hesitated for a moment but then nodded. He was right, I did enjoy leading, planning, giving orders and seeing them fulfilled. "You don't need to be ashamed of it, Kieran. It's a great quality to have, and your skills are very obvious. You have a sense of authority around you, you make correct decisions, you plan everything out. I understand, that you'd might wish for it to shine through other spheres and not this one, but it's a skill that you have and it just so happened, that you're developing it here. You are a natural born leader, and I'm sure you'll put this to great use once we get out of this mess." he finished calmly, and I smiled at him and rested my head on his shoulders. "Yeah, I really hope you're right. I just find it a bit funny, how I wanted to escape in order to understand who I am and what I want, but I only started to know myself when I got dragged back in." Jimin snickered under his breath. "Yeah.. Life can be quite ironic." he agreed and planted a kiss on my head.