𝐁𝐄𝐅𝐎𝐑𝐄 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐆𝐎 - 𝑩𝑶𝑲𝑼𝑨𝑲𝑨

𝐇𝐈𝐒 𝐋𝐀𝐒𝐓 𝐓𝐇𝐎𝐔𝐆𝐇𝐓𝐒

Akaashi always had a way of cheering me up when things weren't going my way. Whether they were the smallest of issues he always knew how to make me feel better. Did you never get sick of me Akaashi? Not even for a second?

He was ethereal. The beauty this man withheld was overpowering. I could never control my emotions around Akaashi. Some days I was genuinely scared that I'd lose myself around him if it was just him and I. I was so in love.

Madly in love.

It wasn't a teenage fantasy.

Nor was it a phase. I had grown to fall in love with his soul more and more everyday. The day we met for the first time plays on repeat like a old cisete in my mind. The day I layed my eyes on him. I just knew we were meant to be. Akaashi was quiet from the day I met him. That was just Akaashi.

We fit perfectly. Like Ying and Yang. We were total opposites but perfect for eachother.

I remember the smallest of things about him. Like the way he'd glance over with a soft expression as I called his name. His slim figure that fit perfectly into my arms. His face that I'd cup into my hands.

I genuinely was in love.

I just didn't understand these feelings back in highschool. I never understood what drew me towards Akaashi. I never planned to fall In love with you Akaashi. Never one without the other.

Sometimes when I missed you I'd play that cisete Akaashi. I'd imagine your voice. I'd imagine your touch. Your embrace.

If only I knew you felt the same. If only I could go back. I could never replace you Akaashi. I should have told you what you meant to me. Perhaps we would have kept our promises. Perhaps we may have had a future together. There may have been a chance.

I was a coward Akaashi. I dreamt of the day I could carry you in my arms with pride. I dreamt of the day I'd make you mine forever. I Imagined myself getting onto one knee and making you the happiest man. I wanted to express my love. I wanted to make you feel like you had everything. I had so many promises to fulfil.

I was so caught up with the things that didn't matter to me.

And the one thing that mattered most to me, I had pushed oh so far away.

The summer after graduation. There was never a day I didn't think about you. I would visit your apartment door and sit outside of your door at night for hours on end. Building the courage to face you. I was a coward. There was no other way to put it. I wanted you. I didn't want anyone else. I was so worried about what the others would think of me. I was so worried about my career. I didn't mean for any of this. I didn't want any of this.

I had never planned for any of this. I just wanted to disappear. I felt so bad. There was no way I could have faced him.

I cried almost every night after I realised how much damage I had caused to the one thing that I cherished. The one thing that was so precious to me.

I wasn't worthy of love.

Finding genuine love and not being able to face my feelings. Not being able to care for this man. I wasn't worthy of anything.

The world had layed it out right in front of me.

My feelings were unexplainable. My heart ached. It felt empty. It felt hollow.