𝐁𝐄𝐅𝐎𝐑𝐄 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐆𝐎 - 𝑩𝑶𝑲𝑼𝑨𝑲𝑨

【𝐎𝐁𝐃𝐈𝐓𝐎𝐑𝐘 】

( Obditory- a place you can disappear to, a hiding place)

My eyes were shut tight.
I wanted to believe that I was reliving some sort of nightmare. I couldn't come to terms with what I had been told.
No.
I didn't want to believe it.
I couldn't.

A familiar voice.
I've heard this voice before.

"Akaashi-san, how do you feel?"

I forced open my eyes and there she was.
Stood besides my bedside.
The room itself felt like a big blur.

How long had I been gone for? Why was she here? What's happening?

I shuffled onto my side and noticed a IVF bag strapped above my bed with a clear tube leading right into my arm and hands. The white light within the bright room shined over her.
Her face was clearer.
Her cheeks were sore from rubbing her tears away with her sleeve.

I was physically and emotionally drained. I didn't have an ounce of energy left to speak to anyone.
I just wanted to disappear.

Her soft fingers reached out for my hands. My hand were much larger than hers. It was expected.
She clutched my hand with her fragile fingers and broke the awkward silence with a gentle smile.

This smile felt oh so familiar.

I remember a smile so familiar to hers. One that brought others joy. One that gave me the hope and happiness I needed.
I longed to see that smile once again. I long to touch those beautiful lips of his once more.
The feeling of losing him again. The feeling of longing for that smile but knowing I'd never see it again.

"Akaashi?..."

My face felt cold. My hands were cold. I felt a sense of coldness all over. Inside and out.

"Where is he?"

I stuttered as my eyes began to well with tears again. I knew I'd get the same answer as before.

I do not know what I was hoping for.

Perhaps a different response. Perhaps she'd say that he's waiting for you outside.
What was I thinking.

"Akaashi I'm glad to see that your in a stable condition..I was so worried as the doctors had explained that you had gone into some sort of shock and passed out. Your heart beat was unstable not long ago and the doctors were trying their best to stabilise you"

I didn't care.

Bokuto's absence was like the sky. Spread over everything. There was no way for me to escape the reality.

1 week had past.

People told me that it was okay to grieve.

That it was normal for someone to feel the pain I was currently experiencing.

The pain was unbearable. There will never be enough words to describe the unbearable pain that ached within me.

The reality is that I'd grieve forever.

I've grown to learn that grief was really just love. .

It was all the love that I wanted to give to Bokuto but couldn't. All that unspent love gathers in the corners of my eyes, the lump in my throat, and the hollow empty place within my chest.

The grief was just love that had no place to go.

I always think back to the week I spent with him. Was it all a dream?

I've never come to terms with what happened.
It all went by so fast.

Having his presence with me that last week was the best thing I could have asked for. Seeing him in his natural state not giving a care in the world about what people thought of him. That was all he longed for. To love unconditionally without having to uphold a reputation. Without hurting those around him.

He wanted to be free.

I still feel as though his presence lingers with me. From the corners of my eyes I'll always notice a familiar face smiling back at me. Knowing he's there gives me comfort within.

Knowing that I was the first person he needed to see after his last breaths. Knowing that I brought him comfort.

But knowing that I hurt him so deeply. Knowing that I never get to tell him how I felt about him too haunts me the most.

The same thought plays within my mind as I got to visit the place he took his last breaths. As I stand there every morning, the cold winds push against my chest. The sound of the waves crashing as they meet the sand once again.

Perhaps we will meet again Bokuto. Just like the sea will always meet the sand, so will we.

His last moments. His last breaths. His last memories that he treasured oh so much all washed away with him. But his touch, his voice, his legacy will live within my heart. The heart that ached for him so much .

The words I so desperately wanted to hear from Bokuto. For him to tell me himself. Perhaps things may have been different Bokuto.

I was always here. Waiting patiently. Waiting for the day you would dance your way back into my life.

And I thank you for the memories you gave to me.

They will live with me forever.

Things had been chaotic since then. Bokuto was quite well known so many fans and other mutual friends were devastated.

The Great old mighty Bokuto? No he would never! He's got a life that everyone envied him for. He wouldn't do such a thing?!

If only they knew him like I did.

Bring bring

As I held onto my jacket my phone began to vibrate within my pocket. As I lift my ice cold fingers up to my ears to answer the phone, I notice a familiar voice.

"Akaashi..I've got something for you. Something you might want to see".

I stared back into the ocean with blank eyes. The same cold look from the ocean stared right back.

"Bokuto left something for you..the police are willing to pass it onto you"

"Mhm"

I mumbled under my icy cold breath.

"I'll take that as a yes Akaashi...I hope your coping well, just know we are all here for you..you have us Akaashi"

There was a pause of silence.
The call ended.

What was it? And why now?
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