Come Home to Me...Darling | PJM

Untitled | Part 7 (final)

It was silence once again.

A screaming silence, that woke your inner most core as you step into the vacant apartment. You were so tired. The meeting with your mom ran longer than you thought and now you just wanted to drown into your bed. Taking off your coat, you hang it by the rack before changing into your slippers. Without a second thought, you bee line for your bed room ready to sleep today off.

But you halt in your tracks as you notice something on the dining table a few feet from you. A stack of white papers. You look around you, as if searching for someone before you look back at the table once again. It had been a few weeks since that night. Jimin would come by when you weren't around, take more of his stuff and leave. Half of you was wondering why he was taking his sweet time and torturing you...the other half was yearning for as much time with him as possible.

With a defeated sigh, you slowly make your way to the dining table. Every single inch of this space had so many memories attached to it. Each step felt like reliving it all again. Once you bump into a dining chair, you can read the letters as bold as day.

Divorce papers.

Oh.

Jimin was working quicker than you thought. You expected this, but not this soon. It hit you then. That you didn't realize how real all of this was until this very moment, as you reread those big black letters in the stiffest font. This was real, it was happening.

Jimin was finally going to leave you.

That's right, he gets to leave. While you were stuck washing out the resentment.

So, you let out a breathless laugh. One after the other until you were full on laughing at the situation. Oh my God, you tried so hard and for what? You tore yourself up and for who? There was nothing left of you, you gave it all away and what did that get you in return.

Your eyes come into contact with your wedding ring and in an instant it feels like you have been scorched by a heat so malicious and invisible. Filled with sudden rage, you swiftly pull it off your finger and throw it somewhere far so you would no longer be able to see it. 

You were so crazy stupid, it was insane. You actually apologized when Jimin cheated on you. You forgave him multiple times. You starved yourself, you loathed yourself, you killed the young girl just wanting honest love and respect inside of you. And you cried until your eyes broke and you're crying now.

You're crying for the girl who once stood in that mirror, pinching every ounce of her skin till it bruised. Scourging herself for never being good enough. You're crying for your lost dignity, handing it to someone with clumsy hands you thought were loyal. You're crying at how you lost who you were, not only in the longest seven years of your life, but ever since you were born. You're crying because that's all you ever did for you.

How different life would have been if your mother had taught you how to love yourself? If her mother had taught her how to love herself? If the men in your lives didn't continue to ravage you of all you could offer. It felt like some sort of curse.

Which is why you fell to the floor to let it all out. The tremendous pain and grief that built over the years, the horrible conditions of your body and mind. Every single pore had to leak, only then you would truly be free.

You're crying because you wasted your life away. You're crying because you treated yourself this way, when you didn't deserve anything but love, trust, and honesty.

You're crying because you learned too late of what – who you should have loved.

You were crying because your book wasn't written by you, but by someone who couldn't care less about you.