Try Me, Bitch |BnHA| |Reader Insert|

Y/n: Shimmying Down Your Chimney ;)

You laid spread-eagle on the floor of the U.A. Dorm. It was holiday break—and most of the students went home to see their families. Well, the ones that have families, at least. The only one who was with you was Midorya, who stayed for the sole purpose of training. Denki wasn't even there to use garland as anal beads with you. You were very lonely.

Midoriya sat on the couch adjacent to you, playing on his phone. You glanced up at him.

"Hey, Christmas-themed Toilet Brush Cleaner," you called.

"Eh?" He blinked down at you, surprised at the new name. "What?"

"You wanna go steal kids' Christmas present?"

"E-EH?" He cried out, indigant. "Why would we do that?"

"Because it's funny."

"I... I'm not stealing presents from kids..."

"... well, the good news is, I don't care, you're coming with me."

"WHAT?!"

~
You were currently perched on the roof of a family home. You had to slap your hand over Midoriya's mouth to keep him from screaming. You basically wrangled him over to where you now are. Even then, he was still screaming and writhing in your grip.

"Would you shut your loud ass up?!" You hissed, "You're gonna get the cops called on us! Again!" You lifted Midoriya above your head, which only prompted him to screech louder behind your palm. You chucked him down the chimney where you could hear a BANG before a puff of black smoke exploded in your face.

"Midoriya!" You whisper yelled down it. "Keep the clapping of your asscheeks to a minimum!"

"I AM A MINOR, MAAM!"
You could just feel the blush radiating off of him.

"So am I, so just squeeze your cheeks! I'm comin down!" You stepped one foot down and the other foot after it. Carefully, you began to descend down the passage no problem. Unless you got stuck about halfway down. "Dammit... my thicc, scrumptious, juicy, phat, moist, finger-lickin, absolute dump truck of an ass won't fit."

"Midoriya!" You whispered. His head popped out into the chimney. "Grab my leg and yeet me down like you're the midwife, the chimney's my mother, and I'm the baby."

"I... uh... what?" He repeated. You wriggled around.

"JUST GRAB MY LEG AND PULL ME DOWN."

"Okay... if you're sure..." He slowly wrapped his hands around both your ankles. He jerked you down, and that was enough to free you. You landed on top of him, smoke poofing out of the firepit.

"Damn, that shit was wild..." You sighed, pushing yourself off of him. You looked at Midoriya and saw he was as stiff as a board, face an unruly red. "Dude, I fell on top of you, not sat on your face, get your shit together." Your sentence only made steam burst from his ears. You stepped into the house and looked around.

"Huh... nice house." You looked over at the large, fake Christmas tree and saw the unwrapped presents underneath it still. A Grinch smirk came up to your face.

"Y/n-chan? I think we should go," Midoriya whispered urgently. You waved dismissively over your shoulder.

"It's fine, I wanna see some kids cry."

"Who are you?"
Freezing, you both turned to look at the little kid who just happened to sneak up on you. Midoriya froze, his entire body going frigid. A smile was plastered on your face.

"We're just here to visit your... dad? Do you got a dad?"
The kid nodded.

"Yeah, my dad is a part of the Police Force."

"EEP—!" Midoriya froze, entire body going rigid and blanching, like a really good shot of cum.

"Oh, so your daddy a cop?" You inquired. The kid nodded. You turned your head to look at Midoriya, and he robotically turned to look at you too. "... ACAB."

"Y/N NO!"
You looked back at the kid.

"Do you want some more presents?"
The kid's eyes lit up.

"Yeah yeah!" They replied, beginning to bounce up and down. You smirked.

"I even have some for your parents."

"Really?!"
You nodded with a wide, manic smile. You began to pull down your pants.

"Y/N NO—"
The kid just stared wide-eyed at you as you proceeded to shit out six presents. Midoriya passed out cold. When you pulled up your pants, you handed four of the presents to the kid.

"Here ya go, go wild."
Looking at them curiously, they opened one at a time. One of them was a box, and inside of it was a bag.

"What's this?" They asked, holding up the zip loc bag.

"Open and smell it."
Doing what you told them to, they stuck their nose in and inhaled—deeply. Immediately, they began to cough.

"It's magic snow."

"Y/N PLEASE DONT GIVE DRUGS TO KIDS—"

"YOU ATE AN ADULT'S HAIR AFTER THEY TOLD YOU TO ONCE, SHUT THE FUCK UP!"
Recovering from their coughing fit, they opened a longer, thinner present.

"Y/n-chan, that better not be a—"

"KNIFE!"

"NO!"
Midoriya tried to wrangle the sharp and dangerous blade from the child's hands while you were just laughing your ass off. Midoriya managed to snag the giant knife from the eight year old and sighed in relief. However, when they opened the next box, they pulled out a bazooka.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH." Midoriya quickly grabbed the giant thing and threw it out the window, shattering the glass in the process. You pouted and crossed your arms.

"Midoriya, you're ruining Christmas!"

"YOU DONT GIVE MILITARY-GRADE WEAPONS TO IMMATURE CHILDREN!"

"DIDNT YOU BREAK ALL YOUR FUCKIN BONES IN THE ENTRANCE EXAM, YOU DAFT BITCH?!?!"
While you and Midoriya were arguing, the child opened the last gift. They tilted their head at it.

"A... cactus?"
Midoriya froze.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

~
After that whole debacle at the house, you and Midoriya yote yourselves far from it—in case their dad came home. Luckily, you had left the two presents there that were for the parents.

"What did... what did you give to the parents?" Midoriya asked nervously, though he wasn't sure if he wanted the answer. You cranked your head around to look at him, a maniac glint in your eye.

"Well, my curious little StinkBug. For the mother, I got her a 3-in-1 vibrator, dildo, and nipple sucker—cause we know her cop husband aint doin none of that—"
Midoriya fell to the ground after that sentence.

"—and for the father, I got him a toy donut that oinks when you squeeze it."

"You didn't even give him an edible one?"

"... Midoriya, they came from my ass. I'm a miracle worker, not a donut factory."

MERRY LATE CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY EARLY NEW YEAR

HAPPY HOLIDAYS

AND FOR MY ATHEISTS OR WHATEVER THE FUCK—HAVE AN OKAY DAY

Ja ne!

{Ruby Red}