summary - harry has a crush on Simon and is jealous of his relationship with Talia
I think I realised I liked Simon as more than a friend whilst we were shooting the Sidemen Show. It was late 2017 and we had all known each other for years at this point and had become close enough to feel comfortable around each other.
Almost.
For some reason I always found myself getting flustered around Simon. When he spoke to me I could feel myself blush and when he touched me I always enjoyed it a little too much. For some reason though, I never really acknowledged that I felt this way. Perhaps it was because I just assumed I was straight and Simon said he was as well so there was no reason to consider any alternative possibilities. Everything was simple. I started dating my ex when I was 17. We lost our virginities to each other and she was all I'd ever experienced. I had jokingly hinted that I didn't think I was 100% straight but everyone knew they were just jokes, me included. I had a beautiful girlfriend, I liked women and there was most certainly a heterosexual explanation for why the thought of getting to touch my friend got me so excited.
It was probably just because he was older I told myself. I just liked it when he payed attention to me because the child inside of me still liked getting validation from the cool older kids. That's it.
I managed to fool myself and everyone else for a long time. That was until the shoot when we were filming one of the episodes, I can hardly remember which one, all I can recall is the moment when Simon looked at me straight in the eyes. He had this look on his face as if he was going to ask me something but he never did. He opened his mouth before hesitating, still staring at me in the eyes, and then didn't speak. Instead he just smiled awkwardly and then turned sharply around and ran off to Josh. Nothing actually happened, but whilst Simon was staring at me I've never wanted to kiss someone more. I could've sworn he gave me a look as if to suggest he knew exactly what I was thinking, but everything happened so quickly and i was still deeply confused. So I never mentioned it to Simon or anyone else but from then onwards I wasn't 100% sure if I was the only one who wanted something more than friendship.
Only a month later however, Simon announced to us and the world that he was dating Talia. I remember Tobi standing up to high five him and then proudly recalling how he first introduced them. Everyone was laughing and smiling and they were so happy, meanwhile I felt oddly betrayed. I had no valid reason to feel this way as it's not like me and Simon had even acknowledged our brief moment of sexual tension let alone had ever been intimate. Obviously, I just replied with a "Nice one mate" and gave a small rather insincere smile. If anyone had looked closely they probably would have been able to tell that this announcement had upset me, but no one was really looking in my direction. Only Vik was looking vaguely at me but I think he interpreted my blunt response to be that I didn't care rather than I was upset.
On social media everyone was extremely supportive. Simon started liking edits and cute little posts about their relationship on twitter, unfortunately resulting in constant updates of their relationship ending up on my timeline. It got to the point where I deliberately avoided going on twitter after Simon uploaded a video of the two of them because I already knew that #SimonandTalia would be trending and someone would have already made a compilation of all their cutest moments. As stupid as it sounds seeing Simon so happy and in love with another person started impacting me. I couldn't even tell anyone why I started eating less and sleeping more because then I would have to explain firstly I wasn't straight which even the thought of coming out terrified me. I know that all of the guys would most likely be cool with it and supportive but I was not ready for them to know. Secondly, there was no way I was going to confess that I was in love with Simon because everyone would tell me to tell him and then he would have to reject me because he's with Talia and I simply couldn't cope.
I really wanted to hate Talia as well because that would probably make me feel less guilty about despising their relationship. At least if she was a shitty person I could justify why I didn't like her. But she wasn't really that bad - I sort of understood what Simon saw in her. She certainly wasn't ugly or unattractive in any way.
But sometimes when we were all together and Simon would crack some witty joke and she would laugh obnoxiously loud I really just wanted to punch her in the face. Did she have even the slightest inkling of how much I wanted to be her? I doubt it. It's not like she payed attention to anyone else when Simon was around. And even if he wasn't in the room she definitely didn't start talking to me. We had virtually nothing in common, besides loving Simon. She was so extroverted and outgoing, she could easily strike up a conversation with anyone and anywhere. I was so painfully awkward compared to her.
I remember one time when we were recording some video for MoreSidemen and Talia showed up on set to surprise Simon. His eyes visibly lit up when she walked in. She looked so pretty as well and all the other guys wouldn't stop laughing and making jokes and everyone just seemed so happy except me. I just smiled awkwardly though and Simon didn't even glance in my direction. At the time, I just wanted the ground to swallow me up so I didn't have to watch them hug and kiss.
I just wanted to know what it was like to be Talia and have Simon feel that way about you..
first story ahhhh!! I've wanted to try writing for a while now and so I finally decided im going to publish a couple shorts about my favourite ship :)
let me know if I should make a part 2 to this
