diary of a living dead girl

Anxieties

Dear diary AHHHHHHH. No thats not me screaming its my heart beat. Its been beating very fast lately. I thought maybe I had a blood pressure problem. But no its a different issue. When I think about Beej my face gets all flushed and I start to sweat. My heart picks up, sorta feels like anxiety. But when I'm physically with him I'm calm. Relaxed. I don't know if I'm panicking or when I think about things to hard I cause my self anxiety like I do with everything. A lots gone down. My date was ruined by my shit dad exorcising my er Beej. And I lost my shit. Cried for two days then found the lost souls and ran in without a second thought. Super reckless, But I don't regret it. I got my friend back and I couldn't of been happier.

Except heh when I woke up from a coma and jumped him. It was super awkward and high pressure. But he kissed me and this time it didn't hurt. I didn't feel used or just a joke this time. Then we tormented my family ha. Sorta pissed they seem to think he's the reason I'm acting out. But I really am at my ropes end here. Even though I'm still doing this stupid school work. I mean I guess I really only have half a month left and a year. Plus it would look good on a resume that I didn't flunk or dropped out of collage. Plus it looks like I've been doing something productive for the passed few years instead of having this gap between high school and now. So now I'm stuck, trying to look good and dependable for employers in the future. Thanks Dad, once again you're screwing your daughter over.

Anyway the doctor checked me out, he said everything was fine but he still wants a cat scan done just to be sure. We agreed not to. So now I have the ok to go back to school. Luckily I spent last night working on shit on the website. Mostly cause my heart was pounding so hard I couldn't sleep. And cause Beej wanted to sleep in his own bed. I think he just missed everything and might be worried about something here. I can't tell what. If it's losing control, worries it might happen again. Or something else. Aside from that he's pretty much been glued to my hip. Maybe I'm just having that separation anxiety drum up by his presence and the last time he wasn't right beside me.

We haven't really defined the relationship. Like are we exclusive. I think so, I don't wanna be with anyone else. But is he exclusive. I hope so. I caved and smoked right before school. I had to I was jittery and my heart wouldn't stop yelling. I don't condone morphine pills but weed is always nice. Safe and actually does the job, plus it taste really good. So I'm not so panicky or anxious. I do how ever have to pretend to me functional and go to school. If I miss to many days it's an automatic fail.

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Lydia closed her book. Setting it to the side of her vanity with her make up kit. She got up from her stole, turning to her bed and grabbing her Mike Myers back pack. Full of text books she barely used and her laptop. She tossed it on her back. Swinging a little to hard and winding herself. She rubbed below her collar bone as she opened her door. Poking her head out to look down the hall. She rolled her eyes at herself, stepping out and walking down the path. Ignoring her dads opened office door as she turned down the stairs. Passing the family photos on her way. She rushed to the front door. Grabbing her shoes and tossing them on as she went out the door. She sighed out as she locked the door. "Relax ya monkey, what's anybody gonna do aside shame you. Like your not use to that. Stop being a spazz" she told herself. Grabbing her bike and hopping on.

She road down her usual route. Biking through the town passed her coffee shop. She picked up her usual order. Devouring her hashbrown and slowly sipping her coffee. Enjoying the beverage instead of consuming viscously. She was still drinking it by the time she had locked away her bike and made her way to her locker. She tossed it in the near by trash can, outside her class room. Her morning a blur of muscle memory. Sitting down in her usual seat and setting up her laptop. But as the teacher drowned on about this and that she couldn't help passing out. Resting her head in her hand as she fought to keep her eyes open. Losing and falling into a half awake state.