diary of a living dead girl

you need a break, And maybe a push

Dear diary. Yes again and yes I'm not handling things well. Everything is starting to feel like the end of the world. Like every little thing is cause for panic. I broke four mirrors including my own when I screamed at the top of my lungs. I've never done that before. Sure I've sang close to that volume but never screamed. I'm panicking over everything. People being to close to me makes me anxious, loud noises makes me jump into a fighting stands. I'm not able to handle day to day stress as well. School, work, social encounters. At least Bertha and Prue just think I'm stressed from school and well tommy's presence. Augh I hate him. Thought we took care of him but I guess one nightmare isn't going to be a cure all. 

Speaking of, well yes I'm having nightmares. I woke up screaming yesterday, Delia slapped me to stop me. Not abusively she did it to wake up my nerves system and make me aware of where I was. Dad made coco and we all just sat in silence. I Think they're afraid to ask me what's wrong. Not like I can tell them why. Even though things are rocky. 

I haven't heard from Beej in a week. Usually that's not so abnormal but he left mad. I haven't called him cause I don't wanna piss him off. I don't think my nerves could handle a pissed off demon right now. I think we're fighting. He left kind a mad and i don't know if my panic state is over exaggerating or if I'm undermining his sensitivity. I wish he'd tell me how he's feeling so I don't have to guess so much. But I'd take guess over is silence any day. 

I wonder what happened. I use to be skeptical of his every move. Waiting for him to make a move, step a toe out of line. My curiosity keeping him here. Not telling anyone cause I wanted to know why he was here. I did, he wanted a mortal to say his name so he could get out of the in between from Saturn to earth. Then he got what I wanted, he was able to go home. But he still came back wanting to mess around in the mortal world. Taking me to the neither world and showing me his life. Introducing me to his neighbor's and dancing with me. Again and again. Not really asking for anything just hanging out with me. And I got absorbed in the man I saw fast. wanting to introduce him to all my movies, spend all my free time with him. 

Feeling like my world turned grey when he left for the cruise. Leaving me with the trauma of Eliana alone. He doesn't think any of it's traumatic. But I do. Maybe it's because he's dead and I'm not. Maybe it's the primal feeling to fear for your life till you realize nothing can kill you cause your dead. Whatever the reason we clearly view things differently. I keep flipping through my pages, going over all the dramatic angst and wondering what changed. When did I go from keeping him at a distance to freaking out and describing our kiss in grave detail. My face heats up when I think about it. And I cringe. 

Augh did I seriously open up about that being my first actual kiss. Augh and you know he said he liked them inexperienced. So pervy. Maybe I'm searching for things to over think and cringe about so I don't have to focus on my school work or the fact that he's not talking to me.

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Lydia laid on her bed, screaming lazily into the mattress as she pushed herself up from the floor. Her texts books laid around her with her dead laptop on her pillow. He diary laid open beside her where she had just finished writing. Laying her hands out on her bed, her body sinking in the bed as her thoughts swarmed. "Ey you alive over there" a voice called out to her. She snapped her head up, cracking something form the speed. She stared up at her mirror, seeing the demon that sat inside. Keeping to one side as he looked at her with an annoyed expression. She Jumped off her bed rushing around the bed post. Her foot got caught on her clothing pile. She tried to shake it free. Causing herself to trip over her vanity stool and take it down. 

She popped up suddenly, staring wide eyed at the startled man. "Ya good" he asked, frowning his brows. "Who me psh peachy" she placed her arms on her vanity as she stood on her knees. "What about you" she asked more politely then anything. The man rolled his eyes. Leaning his elbow down on the bottom of the mirror. "Some dick quite. Had to take extra shifts at work. Listen to whinny brats and scared little men go off bout heaven an the lack of existence of god. Their whole  reality chattered an I have ta fuckin listen while poitin to the floor. 'Get in the fucking hole how hard is that" he flared up. Turning red for a brief moment. The mortal blinked at him. "Oh" she said, moving her gaze around. "What expectin a fake great" the man shook his head irritated. "No I'm glad you're straight with me. Just sorta reminded me of a movie" she smiled thinking over the exact scene in her head. The man rolled his eyes at her "What doesn' remind ya of a movie" he grumbled. The mortal also rolled her eyes "Gee someone woke up prince charming today" she spoke sarcastically. "Oh excuse me am I not behavin in a way her dark mistress likes let me just attitude check" he waved his hands sarcastically.