diary of a living dead girl

found

Dear Diary. Ahem AHHHHHHHHHHHH. I needed to get that of my chest. First of all, did you know about my feelings. You probably did, apparently I didn't hide it very well. Apparently I'm in love with Beej. Shock. I'm shook, but everyone else is just like um ya that's not new. Like what. Well it's world shattering to me ok. Thinking back on it even Prue asked me if I was in love with him. way back when months ago when we went to the beach house for spring break. Man that feels so long ago and If I had a brain I would of seen it. I got mad when Claire was all over him, developed a sexual attraction to him and panicked. Tricked him into stripping then had a manic episode about it. Not to mention how everyone just figured he was the reason I wasn't super into Vince. Thanks. 

I'm still freaking out. But I wanna get it out there. As much as I don't wanna admit it, Beej is important to me romantic or platonic. I wanna tell him everything. Well maybe not everything, keep out the masturbating and sex dreams. But let him know I feel. Maybe he won't think I'm some stupid kid. Maybe he won't take advantage of my feelings. I wanna think of him as a good man but I also wanna be prepared for anything. I've been hurt before. Used before. But he's not like that I hope. 

No there's no time for self doubt and pushing passed experiences on to other people. This is happening tonight. I already told the Maitland's I'm going out tonight. No I didn't tell them with who. I still have to keep that a secret otherwise they all might try something. Maybe that's why I wanted him to be a secret never cause I knew it was wrong talking to him. But because I didn't want my family to hurt him. Augh all these oh my Satan moments. Where I just realize these small things I did. Anyway it was weird cause my dad said it was fine. He's never ok with me leaving the house. He's to all work and no play. Then said him and Delia were also going out. They left a half hour ago. The house has been silent, I keep checking but there's no one in the house. Not even Barbara and Adam. It's unsettling somehow. Something just feels wrong. 

I think I just have jitters. You know when your so nervous about something it makes you on edge about everything. Paranoid I guess. And I am very paranoid, thinking I see things in the shadows of my room. But there's nothing there. I checked five times. I was hoping writing would help the anxiety. It's not. Ok oh I didn't tell you what I'm doing. So the reason I'm going out tonight is, I'm gonna take Beej to the forest. Walk him through the trees and hope his usual demeanor calms me down. He always has a nack of making me chill out. I'm gonna lead him to the grave that's still there. No one filled it after I was found inside back in December. I thought a nice picnic with my favorite meal in it would be nice. Also may or may not have stolen his favorite brand of bourbon. Shit was almost 90 dollars. 

Augh romcomy I know but I'm hoping it'll be nice enough that it won't ruin the evening when I tell him 'hey there hot stuff I'm deeply in love with you, how do I know cause you make my heart doki doki'. Kill me. 

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Lydia threw her pen into the room. "For fuck's sake" she spoke out to the space. Placing her forehead in her hands. Pushing her bangs up as she slowly ran her hands up into her hair. She sat at her vanity in deep black dress that showed off her shoulders. Two thick straps sat on her shoulders holding up the dress. The dark velvet lace sleeves flowing down to the wrists. She stood up from the vanity showing off how short it flowed over her. The fabric almost didn't cover her red belt garter that held up her black stockings. She took in a deep breath as she began pacing the room in her Louboutin. Her steps echoing in the room. Finally she stopped, grunting at her self. "Stop being a pussy, you are an alpha damn it. You are strong and independent and damn it you will do this or so help me I will plunge you into a nightmare world from which you will never wake up from" she warned herself. 

"Ya rehearsin" she heard from her mirror. She jumped onto her one foot as she screamed. "Son of a bitch" she yelled out, turning to look at the mirror. Standing in her reflection was a man. Dressed in a torn strip suit that hung off him rather then clung to his figure. He held his claw like hands over his pointed ears, cringing for a moment. "Damn ya got a pair o lungs" he told her in his gravely voice. Opening his large green eyes to look at her. His curving mouth forming a smile as he moved to lean on the bottom of her mirror.