My First Impression (on hold)

Chapter 10 - Pretending

I stared.

My eyes fixated on the ceiling as if I was intrigued by a painting or staring into the eyes of someone I loved.

Just staring.

I had woken up startled about an hour ago and had looked over at Kate to see her lay on top of the covers, with her curly mane decorating the pillows. I had tried and tried and tried falling back to sleep, but nothing would let me sleep and I found my self here, facing the ceiling.

Just staring.

This grey ceiling was becoming so familiar with my eyes, I was sure my mind was hallucinating. I didn't quite understand how I had found myself in this state, but there I was.

I had told myself that I would never feel this way again. The oh so familiar dull pain in my mind and the tears that had appeared, they were never meant to return. Especially since getting away from home. I thought starting Blakehill would mean a new start for me. I had been so used to associating my sadness- if it was even that, with home. Almost using my home life as an excuse for being down, But now that I lay here, hundreds of miles away from the apparent source of my sadness, I couldn't help but feel the irony as the tears ran down my face.

And the worst thing was, I didn't even know why.

What an awful way to exist. wide awake with red burning eyes, trying to find comfort in cold sheets and my empty body.

I was so sick. Sick of feeling this way.Sick of not understanding and sick of pretending.

Pretending. That's all I ever did really. Pretend to be confident, pretend to be comfortable, pretend to be happy, pretend to have everything sorted out, pretend! pretend! pretend!

I pretend so often now, I can barely tell when i'm doing it, I don't know who I am, I don't know anything at all and I'm sick! I hate that I turn on this facade whenever I'm around people, I act like I'm so experienced and put together, when really all I'm doing is pretending.

I had thought being away from home would be liberating, but I feel more drained then ever. Why was my mum willing to call me know? She sounded more like a mum on the phone yesterday, than she had in 16 years. Was that because of me? Maybe she feels better now that i'm not at home, my mood probably brought her down too.

I'm so selfish. I must have been such a burden, its so obvious I've only been away from home for a while and already my mum sounds happier.

Everything had changed. I know change is inevitable, but I miss him. Lewis I mean. How he used to be anyway, I'm stuck on the idea of old him. How different he used to be. Old lewis would never in a billion years be seen with his new clique and neither would present Aria. I was still old me, desperately shy and outstanding at pretending.

Pretending, pretending, pretending!

I heard a sudden loud sob.

My heart hammered as the noise startled me away from my thoughts. And the sound intensified in every way possible as I realized.

It was me.

How had I let myself get this overwhelmed? I did'nt know if this was home sickness or just expecting things to turn out differently. So much has happened in such little time. I had always been so concerned about first impressions, even with Tyler. I had put so much trust in him so quickly, believing all his stories, getting into his drama, but was I still pretending?

WAS I?

My walls were up so strong, that I didn't even let my self in and the realization hit me so hard. I could'nt even tell when I was pretending.