What We Are - N.H

Fifty

NIALL'S P.O.V

So Mabel came home at 6:00, just like she had said. I was in bed, tho so I didn't hear her come in.

She just stood in the door way of our bedroom and looked at me, eyes wide. She looked scared.

Obviously, she knew what was coming. I can't carry on as if I didn't see them.

"why?" I said, emotionless, tears pricking the corners of my eyes. I already cried this morning, when I found them, the bloody razors. I didn't understand why she felt the need to harm her beautiful body.

"why.. why what" she stuttered, I knew that she knew exactly what I meant.

"Please, don't act the fool Mabel. You know what I mean" I looked up from the news paper I was reading and stared at her. Her beauty was distracting me from the very serious matter and I just wanted to hug her, telling her that everything would be okay as long as we were together. But I can't forgive her this quickly, as much as I want to, I just can't. Its been a day, one whole day and I have barely coped without her.

"I....I didn't mean to, I was out walking and then he stopped and took me for a coffee, he was being nice, please don't hurt him again" she said quickly.

Wait, what is she talking about. Who is she talking about. She must have got herself mixed up. I was pretty mixed up too.

"what? Who?" I asked. Who did she 'bump' into today, and why did he take her for coffee.

"It was Ethan, I'm so sorry" She opened the wardrobe door and took out her suit case, emptying the contents of the cupboard into it.

"woah woah woah what do you think your doing?" I asked, quickly, "you aren't seriously going to do this to me?"

She didn't reply. Her head was facing the contents of the bag and her brow was furrowed, as if she was deep in thought. This seriously isn't happening, please say she's staying.

Slowly she stood up and walked into the bathroom, eyes fixed on the path in front, never looking at me. As quick as she had gone in, she came straight back out again holding her wash bag and put it into the suit case.

Suddenly her head snaped up and she looked straight at me, dead in the eyes, tears streaming down her face.

"so I guess this is it then" She stood up, hanging the bag over her shoulder.

Quickly, I jumped out of the bed and ran towards her as she walked to the door. This isn't it. I don't understand whats happening.

"STOP" I shouted grabbing her wrist, instantly I released my grip as she winced, I had completely forgotten her pain, "please, Mabel, just look at me." her head slowly turned and her soft features were now facing me. Mascara stained her once rosy cheeks and her eyes had lost their lightning, she looked so beautiful, yet so upset at the same time. Her hair was messy, and the colour wasn't as bright as usual; it was as if she had been drained, everything good gone from her.

"I better get go-" she began to say but I cut her of by aggressively crashing my lips against hers, the feeling of warmth and lust took over me, one of which I hadn't felt in what seemed like ages.
But something felt wrong, it didn't feel real. Sparks weren't igniting inside of me like they usually do, and I didn't feel the want from her, the welcome that I usually get for my tongue to glide along her lips.

Slowly, she unpeeled her mouth from mine. Maybe she's right, maybe this is it. I don't want this to happen. I don't want any of this to happen. This conflict, this hatred, this argumentative way we've been acting. It's not us.

"I'm sorry" she said and turned away, pulling the door handle down.

"Can I please just tell you one thing." I asked, reaching out for her hand this time. Turning back around, she nodded, signalling me to speak.

"These," I pulled her other hand into mine and carefully unrolled her sleeves, exposing the crimson scars, "these are because of me, every time you struck your skin with that knife, it was showing every time I wasn't there for you. It was showing all the times you were left alone, and for that, I am the one who is sorry" I struggled to say, tear after year falling uncontrollably down my face.

"No, no you don't understand," she began, "nobody could see I was breaking inside, it has all been my fault and you do not, in any way deserve to be treated like I have put you through. You have gone through hell for me and I can not repay you for all you've done for me. I love you, I love you so much." She cried, I could see in her eyes she was broken. She was shattered and there was nothing that I could do to help her, even if I tried. No glue or sellotape was strong enough to fix this poor broken girls smashed heart.

"Please, just promise me one thing, just promise me you'll find someone who loves you more than I ever did. You deserve to be loved, so deeply by someone who can treat you right, someone who can love you with all their heart and as much as I've tried, I've failed. I'm a failure. I'm only letting you do this because I love you, I love you so much so I guess I have to let you go" I released her hands and let them drop down to her sides. Taking one last look around the apartment, slowly she turned around, and with a loud bang, the door was closed and she was no longer standing in front of me.

As much as I wanted to chase after her, and bring her back to me, I couldn't. It's not that I didn't want to, it was like I was paralyzed, my feet felt like they were stuck to the floor. I couldn't move.
My tears were dripping down my face, off my chin and onto the soft red carpet beneath my feet. I hadn't cried like this since my granddad died, and that was over five years ago, even then I don't think I felt such heart break.

I feel so weak and I just want to disappear from this cruel world and never, ever come back. I know that my life has been so good to me and I have earned great success, but love us so unfair. I don't understand why she's felt the need to do this when it was my fault. All this shit has been my fault, not hers, not anyone elses, mine. To be honest, I can only thank her for showing that to me.

Walking into the bathroom, I stripped off my clothes and got into the shower without even having to think. I really hoped that the hot refreshing water would calm me down as I was in need of some relaxing time to my self to reflect on the past two days.

Once I had washed my body and my hair, I stepped out into the cold outside of the bathroom. The chilly air hit my exposed naked body causing me to shiver as I grabbed the nearest towel from the back of the door.

I dried myself and pulled on a clean pair of boxers and a t-shirt, the one she loved. Picking up my phone, I thought I should maybe send her a text, just so she knows that I'm still thinking about her, that I love her.

"goodnight babe" I sent, hoping she'll atleast know that I'm still thinking about her .

As I climbed into my big lonely bed, I layed two of the pillows beside me, plumping them up as if they were almost life like. I couldn't bare sleeping alone in this bed that had been ours.

Slowly, my eyes began to close and I felt myself fall into a deep sleep, dreaming only of her.

AUTHORS NOTE:

heyyyy :P hope ur all alright <3

I guess u could say this was a pretty sad chapter. I know that it's quite short and shit but it's just a filler as the next chapter will be too, I'm just leading up to something big (and kinda scary i guess:D dun dun dunnnn...)

Have a good weekend and OMFG THE TOUR STARTS ON SATURDAY!!!!!!!!! *brb, loudly hyperventalating in the corner of the room* I ACTUALLY CANT WAIT AND I'M SO EXITED FOR OUR SHOW!

Anyway, be expecting another update kinda soon! ily xxx