Mama what happened to me?

Chapter One.

A/N: The story has not been edited yet. There may be many spelling mistakes but oh well. Hope you all enjoy, some is personal experience.

It was happening all over again; I needed to control it. Take over before it took me over. Before I sunk in again. Before I lost control. Not in public. Why did it so selfishly attack me in public. Embarrassment was baitly shown across my face, blood rushed up to my cheeks attacking me so viciously. I needed to get out get some air.

'Can I sit out for abit, im on my periods and im getting cramps' she gave me a quick look and sighed 'We all have period pains Lilly you dont see anyone else complaining.... but fine i'll let you off this time'; I couldnt tell her, I coudlnt tell anyone. I was abnormal not like the rest. We were in the middle of a football game, score was 2-0, I tried walking over to the bench without collapsing. Luckily we were playing football in the gym that day. 

If my heart beat any faster I swear it'd explode out my chest. I needed to calm myself down. Tell myself to stop thinking about it. Forget everything, forget the past, forget all the pain, forget the problems, clear my mind till I calm down. Deep breaths, in and out. It hurt. Why did it hurt so much, I needed to release the pain. I needed a distraction, an elastic band something i could give myself outer pain with to forget the inner pain.My breathing was becoming difficult. It had started. It was too late. Theres no stopping it now. I was sinking in. I felt so vulnerable and small. They watched me. Slowly suffering. I could hear voices of the students "Lilly are you okay? Do you need too get out, Lilly? I tried to respond...I couldnt my throat became dry. Breathing was heavy. So fast. It was going so fast. Pumping, Pumping, Pumping. I felt an arm around my shoulder, helping me up, I stumbled a little. I tried finding myself. My vision cleared, the little blue dots were disappearing. I tried standing on my own two feet. 

A door flung open. The cold breeze of winter hit against my face with a sharp stinging pain. It almost hit me back into the world and out of my vile disorder. I was handed a plastic cup . Water. One sip, my breathing started getting heavy again.Two sips. My hands went cold. Three sips. Pins and needles the tingling sensation was increasing it crawled down to my feet. Wobbly. My legs became unstable. I tried holding myself up. I was given a chair. I sat. The cup dropped out of my frozen painful hands, and landed with a bang loud enough to burst my eardrums. No one else heard the bang the way I did. The world slowed down....it started again I was out of control. Two humans. Either side of me. Each hand gently placed in theirs. Who were they. Why were they holding onto me. Why where they acting as if they cared. As if it would hurt them to see me in a coffin getting shoved under a load of soil. 

It hurt, the pain the past all drifted back. She was screaming at me. Why. Stop. Somebody make her stop. It hurt. Why was she shouting. I tried freeing myself from the hands of the gentle monsters that held me. I grabbed myself. Arms around my stomach, head down in shame. I lost it it was loud. Everything was so loud. I coudlnt seem to find me. What was happening to me why have i become this, how have i become this. Why so confusing. I let out a loud harsh scream. The scream of a little girl who was inside me, she was lost. So lost. So upset. So hurt. So confused. She was trying to find herself is well. She was trying to find the old Lilly the happy Lilly the Lilly with once happiness in her heart and a glow of hope in her eyes. I had to get through this for her. She wanted the world to understand her pain, to understand why she is the way she is. 

My lips, they drawed in closer to each other. Sealed themselves up. I couldnt open my mouth. I was being detached from myself. I felt my thumb, the rest of my hands were gone. My body went numb, souless almost. I felt dead, no emotions no character. 

Someone grabbed me again. Warmness. It felt warm. I was sitting in somewhere I wanted to be. So warm. So cosy. 'Cry Lilly' 'Please you can do this Lilly you can control it'. Voices. So many voices with almost a hint of sympathy in their tone, sympathy that only ever appeared if i was in pain or dying They cared?. I tried getting back into the real world where I belong. I tried opening my securely sealed lips I tried letting out a moan, a sound, a cry. It hurt. My brain was thumping. I was trying too hard. 'Ahh,it hurts,help me, help me please' I was there. Almost there. Almost out of the darkness. I opened one eye. I cried. And cried. They were there. Teachers. Supporting me. Trying to save me. It was working. I was almost in control. Deep breaths. In and out. Deep breaths. I felt numbness but it was working. I tried moving my fingers. My breathing steadied. My heart calmed down. The trembling stopped. The pain stopped. I was safe.