Mama what happened to me?

Chapter Three.

A/N: Thankyou for reading and voting my last chapter share the story and yeah enjoy.

Saturday. Today felt like a good day. Only because the weather finally decided stop being so selfish and inconsiderate. I was still in bed i needed to get up. I turned to grab my phone when i realized there was someone behind me... well whoever it was definitely needed to grow a few inches. Ffs i didnt know whether to be scared or just pissed at the fact some asshole, thinks its absolutely fine to join me in my bed. 'Fuck you doing in my bed bitch' was what i was planning to say no i should actually just run out while i can what if its a rapist or a burglar, i didnt know what to say to whoever was next to me, i tried listening for breathing. But there was no breathing. Right now i should definitely run out the bed; im sleeping with a dead person. Great. My alarms went off. I needed my phone. Omg. 'Lilllls what ever it is youve been through worse okay youve seen worse just turn grab your phone and then do the worrying part later'  i tend to talk to myself in tight situations. So thats exactly what i did i turned. Is this what i was worrying about. Wow. A hot water bottle. Great. 

Scrolling through my instagram feeds in the morning is basically the best part of my day. So many pretty faces omyyyy. *ugly is calling* oh lord morning voice is always fucked but i needed to see what he wanted so i answered. 

'hello' i yawned to evoke my tiredness to this asshole.

'lilittttaaaa come we go nandos today' na did he just call me lilita is he being serious, "excuse me do i look like a f****** lilita to you bitch" he laughed and apologized, and then rudely asked me too move back onto topic.  He thinks im gonna get up to go and waste half my day in nandos with him. Is he dumb. 

'why you being so nice to me for?' i asked because i didnt wanna reject his offer straight up because im nice and i didnt wanna be rude.

'im always nice to you babe' that was true only after what happened tho before that he was a major asshole.

'k if you say so' then there was a long silence...a very very long silence... 'so you wanna come or nah' i almost fell alseep after that silence,  his voice shocked me and i dropped my phone 'omylordddd shit sorry idropped mi phone' he chuckled. 'babe come we go itll be fun besides i still gotta pay you back for you know the thing...' 'yeah k you know you can get me everything in the world but the thing that happened wont ever be forgotten; it still kills me inside, each day i wake up wondering why you did it; i really do kbye' then i hung up. For fish cakes. Wow. Moods completely dead now. Why couldnt i forget it. Put what he did in the past. Why was it such a struggle.

 I still get shivers every time i think about it. Ffs he was such an animal. I cant let him get too me not again...     I couldnt do it i let out the tears. The crys of that night it all happened. It hurt everything hurt. I needed to sleep before i do something i regret.

I finally got up after a  long 2 hours. It was half past nine. I put in my headphones switched on my 'happy songs' playlist; and tried getting my lazy ass out the bed. Dizziness again omg. I stood for a few minutes and the dizziness stopped. I went towards the light to switch it off and then walked towards the curtain and opened them letting in the brightness of the morning. I grabbed my facial wash and walked into the bathroom. Brushed my teeth washed my face and then got changed into a pair of tight lightwash jeans and a purple jumper top. I was ready for the day..except i had nothing to do. I sat on the edge of my bed grabbed my phone and went through my messages. *im so sorry please come out with me you know how much i regret what i did i want to make things right again please come with me okay ill be around yours at 12 i really wish i could chnage things x* without realising tears rolled down my cheeks. I coudlnt go with him. I was so afraid so scared so vulnerable when i was around him. 

12:00.

I decided to go with him. Seeing as i had nothing else to do all day. He was at the door. Oh no shit. I was getting so nervous omg. 'can i come in' oh fishcakes... i cant let him into my room no not after last time..

'er um go downstairs im coming' i was shivering it was gonna happen i cant have it now. No please i begged my body to calm down. No panic attacks today i promised myself. Deep breaths. 

I opened the door eventually and made my way down the stairs. 'ready?' he looked at me with a half smile. 'yeah lets let us lets go' my stomach had let in a zoo, it was the strangest feeling i had whenever i walked close to him.

He took lead making his way through my house, he knew pretty much where everything was seeing as we were close mates a few years before it happened. 

I walked behind; he opened the front door letting in the warm breeze of the day, we walked out and made our way up the street. So close yet we were so apart. It was silent long and silent. 'babe your shivering do you want my jacket?' he was taking it off for me i didnt wanna accept it. He put it around my trembling shoulders. 'im such a romantic how am i still single' he chuckled to himself then looked at me. We stopped infront of nandos. The scent of the jacket; the same scent of that night a few years back. The night one mistake changed my life for good.

He wouldnt open the door he just stared. His eyes looked so innocent so sorry. I had to escape his gaze, i couldnt forgive him. I wouldnt. I walked in a fast as possible. He followed straight after. He ordered for the both of us. After spending a good 20 minutes eating i stopped. I barely got any inside me i ate about 5 chips and gave up afterwards I felt sick. I had no breakfast so how could i possibly not be hungry. He stopped and tried placing his hands ontop of mine my body gave a fast reaction and i moved my hands fast enough to tip over the sauce. 'oh sorry babe i forget im sorry; i just thought youd stop being so sensitive around me now' my vision was getting blurry again tears filled my eyes. I tried keeping them in but they escaped. No i couldnt he was not allowed to see me weak not after what had happened. 'lillsss are you crying hey im sorry whats wrong' i stared at him straight into his eyes, i had forgotten the pretty light brown color they were. 'hey whats wrong' he looked into me as if he saw something. 'its just idk i want everything to be normal again i want us to be how we used  i want to be able to smile again i want feel alive i wish i hadnt been through everything i have, iwish people would try understanding me, i just wish you hadnt of done what you did' his arms tightly squeezed around my shoulders he was standing behind me. i guess i spoke so much i didnt realise how fast he moved. He slowly stood me up; but my legs became so weak his hold was so gentle yet so powerful, i became weak, my heart was pipilating no i was going into panic mode. He lifted me into his arms and we walked out. I breathed in the fresh air trying to remember to take my deep breaths. I had to control this myself. 'babe shh im here your safe i promise im sorry for what happened i love you' his tears rolled down his cheeks and hit the tip of my chin. His vulnerability was starting to show; he placed me down, and i cried again. I cried and cried until he wrapped his arms around my waist and held me close. 

I got home around nine. He left after our 'moment' and i promised him id go straight home... ididnt exactly break the promise because i passed the house and sort of went inside but then i got critisized and put down, so i walked back out bought a load of lsv and red bull and a pack of marlboro fags and sat myself down in the park. Put in my headphones and played my music so loud that my ears vibrated. I drank until i actually felt the inside of stomach getting eaten up and smoked until i felt my lungs all clogged up and dirty.

3 hours later:

Once i decided to get home, I walked into my room and stripped as fast as i could got into bed locked my door and turned off the lights. I tried sleeping. But i couldnt, so i texted until my arms hurt then i slept until 1 when i got up again. I sat up in my bed and stared directly out the window and cried and cried and cried i thought by now id have no tears left as i cried practically the whole day. But i guess the human body is acutally made from 70% water.  Everyrthing. The past. It all came back. I couldnt let go off stuff. It hurt. Everything hurt. I needed to release the pain so i did it. I couldnt stop myself. It happened. I grabbed the blade and held it close to my skin. I tipped it to the edge and dug it in pulling it through my warm smooth skin, letting out a flow of fresh dark red blood.....