Courtney's Secrets (The Clandestine Series)

Admit Nineteen

Courtney didn't come home that evening. Every time I heard a noise outside I wondered if she might walk in, ready to punish me. I practiced breathing techniques to relax my nerves, and drank hot tea. I imagined myself in my graduation cap and gown at the end of the school year, with my driver's license. Then I saw myself moving out. My new place was safe, where no one could hurt me. I had to make this happen.

I opened Courtney's laptop and worked on finishing the remainder of my driver's ed quizzes which felt like an eternity, but I made it to the final exam. Hallelujah. Even though I knew the material, I was more worried about passing this exam than any other at school. I tore myself away to take a snack break, and came back. I pressed start and saw at the top there were fifty questions. I scrutinized each one, second guessing myself and changing answers back and forth. This wasn't like me, but some of the questions were completely foreign. I wasn't sure if a red flashing traffic light had the same meaning as A) a solid red light, B) a stop sign, or C) a yield sign. There were a few other questions I mulled over and forced myself to choose or I would have stared at the screen until my hair turned grey. After the final question I hit send and watched the circle spin. The internet took a long time to accept. I held my breath so long that I felt dizzy as I waited until the screen popped up with my results. Finally, it happened: I had passed with a ninety-eight percent! I could breathe.

I sat on my bed with my legs crisscrossed, looking up to the ceiling and my palms up to the heavens. "Yes." The certificate of completion arrived by email and I printed it out, staring at it. This was only one hurdle to getting my driver's license. Next, I would have to present my certificate of completion with my birth certificate to the motor vehicle office, pass the written exam, and get Kim to sign off as the responsible adult for my permit. After that, I would need to log fifty hours of completed driving, and pass the driving test.

I covered the black bruise on my face with concealer the next morning before school.

Daviante texted me the coffee emoji.

Me: just pick me up outside my house ;)

Donna: k

I waited by the door until I saw the Honda pull up. I came out the door and locked all the locks to our empty house. The sun peeked through the clouds on the horizon. The ice had melted off of the steps from a few days of warmer weather, and I bounded down them and jumped in the Honda, throwing my backpack into the backseat. Davianté's face sagged like a sad bloodhound.

"Everything ok?" I asked.

He let out a breath, lowering his chin to his chest. "Yeah."

By his tone, I could tell it was a lie.

He swiveled his head to hold my gaze. "Actually...

Nerves kicked in my stomach. This was the same feeling I had the moment before a break up. I had a feeling he was about to tell me he couldn't be strung along anymore, that we needed to go our separate ways because it was killing him inside. It was my fault. I hadn't been fair to Davianté.

He continued. "I've been worried about you. Why didn't you respond to my text messages all weekend?"

I didn't want to respond with 'I'm sorry, you were right, Peyton is a dirtbag. Some things are better left unsaid, and I wanted to bury the memory. "Honestly, I didn't want to involve you in my drama."

"Deja, I have to tell you-" his eyes stayed fixed on mine, and his forehead creased like he was about to reveal the most sincere convictions of his heart, "I like you... have liked you... for so long... and I know this might ruin our friendship but... I have to tell you... every time we're together, I secretly don't want it to end. I bring you to school, and then you're running straight into his arms..." he dragged his palm down his face, then glanced back at me. "I can't stand it anymore. I want to protect you, but I can't. I know you don't want to be with me—"