The Path Back to You | Levi x OC

Chapter 4 - Guilt

Erwin

Erwin watched as Anastasya and Levi entered the candlelit meeting room. Seeing Anastasya again, especially in her current condition, made his heart ache and his stomach twist with remorse. He had only ever loved one woman, and he truly believed that there was only one that he would ever love in his entire lifetime.
It would always be her.
However, when he'd had his chance to build a future with her, he'd completely and utterly ruined it. He'd been too afraid of hurting her while pursuing the truth of their world, afraid of putting her second, and afraid of asking the impossible of her. He'd made the decision to let her go because he'd thought it was the kindest thing to do, but as he met her eyes, he realised that he had ended up hurting her and disappointing her regardless. All he could think about was how he had left Anastasya behind in the ravine that day. About how haunted she now looked, how thin and pale, not to mention the drastic change to her formerly rich, glossy, chocolate-brown hair.
"How do you feel?" he asked her, as she took a seat.
"I'm glad to be back."
There was a coldness to her voice that he hadn't heard before. He was terrified that she blamed him. That she hated him. She had every right to, he supposed. She was loyal to those she loved to a fault, and he had no doubt that she would have remained behind to search for him, Levi or Hange until she was certain beyond a doubt that they were dead. She wouldn't have given up. Levi knew it too, and his best friend leaned against the wall with his arms folded, watching her closely.
"I've assigned you a room," he said. "You don't have to, especially not immediately, but... Do you want to resume your previous position in the regiment?"
Along with Levi, Anastasya had been one of the best soldiers in the entirety of the Survey Corps, and her loss had been felt by everyone. She was known for her graceful, dance-like executions, her quick-thinking, and her astounding ability to manage PR, despite her often frosty attitude with those who weren't close to her. After having been abandoned by the very people she had trusted the most, however, he realised she might want nothing more to do with them.
With him in particular.
"Of course I do," she said, a sudden, familiar, passion burning in her eyes. "These past months, I haven't simply lain idle in some cave waiting to die. I've been out destroying Titans and trying to get home. I fully intend to continue doing the former."
He dipped his head and allowed himself the smallest of smiles, pride rushing through him. However, he was desperately worried about her health, and his smile soon morphed into a frown, anticipating her reaction.
"You need to be seen by a doctor."
A strange look came over her, and she shook her head. It was the same expression she'd adopted when she'd been a child and was told to do something she found unappealing.
"No."
"Anastasya," he said, knowing that a firm tone was needed. "You may have been out of the regiment for months, but don't forget that you take orders from me. If you want to continue as a Scout, you'll see a doctor first thing tomorrow morning. No arguments."
Levi's eyes narrowed, and she scowled.
"Fine."
"Did you see the Female Titan?" he asked, hoping to distract her. He'd not only missed her, but he'd found himself longing for her genius, too, and he was relieved to have it back.
"Yes. Levi's told me about Eren Jaeger and the fact that there's a traitor among us. Your plan to capture them today wasn't exactly successful though, was it?"
He sighed, shoving back his guilt as best he could.
"Not exactly, no, though now we think we know who the traitor is."
"Who?" Levi asked.
"A young recruit in the Military Police that goes by the name of Annie Leonhart."
"How do you know that?"
"Armin Arlelt came to see me after we returned earlier. He supplied some convincing theories."
"So it's a hunch."
"For now, yes."
"Motives?" Anastasya asked.
"We don't know yet. Tomorrow, we'll have a meeting with the other recruits who trained with her and find out if they can tell us anything."
"I see."
"I might need you for some PR soon," he said, ignoring Levi's ire.
"Erwin, she needs time-"
"To clear up the mess," she interrupted.
He let the guilt settle within him, no longer able to hold it at arm's length. He knew Anastasya was hurting, and he knew that he was the reason that so many lives had been lost earlier. He would take it, and he would give her a job to keep her mind off things. She needed familiarity.
"I fully expect the government to summon us to the capital to explain today's Expedition. We'll need a counter to garner public support and strengthen our case. Your return in itself should help to lessen the blow."
"Seems a bit self-indulgent."
"Can I count on you?" he asked, narrowing his eyes.
"Yes," she replied, without hesitation.
"Good. Levi; the families of those we lost today have been informed."
Levi made as if to protest; Erwin knew that his friend would have wanted to tell them himself, but Levi let it go. His priority was Anastasya now.
"Are we dismissed?" she asked.
He was somewhat taken aback by her directness, but he could see how exhausted she was. However, he wasn't ready to let her disappear again. Not yet.
"Yes. We'll need to go through what happened out beyond the walls, but for now it can wait. I'll show you to your room."
Anastasya glanced at Levi, and something unspoken passed between them.
"I'll see you later," said Levi, pushing off from the wall and limping out. It seemed he had been injured during the mission. He'd been trying so hard to control his emotions that he hadn't even noticed.
"Lead the way," she said, bone-tired.
He took her up to the top floor and unlocked the door to her old room. All of the items she had owned prior to being left outside the walls had been moved back to the castle. Too many questions would have been asked had he kept them in her quarters at Trost. She walked forward, turning in a circle as she took it all in, while he shut the door behind them.
"I don't understand," she said, facing him. "If my clothes are here, why did Levi ask Hange to lend me something of hers?"
He stood tall, though inside he felt unusually shy and awkward. It was just like when they'd been teenagers.
"No-one knows about this room. That I kept it for you, and for all of your things."
"Why?" she asked softly.
"I didn't want to believe that you were dead."
"Yet you stopped Levi from searching for me."
He hung his head, ashamed, though there was no accusatory tone to her voice.
"There wasn't a day that went by that I didn't think about you," he told her. "However, although I didn't want to let go, I never truly believed that you were still alive. If I had thought that that were the case, even for a second, I wouldn't have left you."
He got to his knees before her and finally raised his head.
"Forgive me, Anastasya."
She stared down at him for a long time, and he realised that her coldness hadn't been specifically directed at him. It was instead a result of whatever horrors she'd been through. There was an icy façade in her amethyst-blue eyes that he'd never seen before, and it broke his heart. She placed a cool hand on his cheek.
"There's nothing to forgive," she said. "You're my best and oldest friend, Erwin. I know that you'd never have left if you'd thought there was even the slightest chance that I was still alive. Please...stand up."
He got to his feet and she drew him into a hug. He dared to put his arms around her, breathing in her scent, listening to her heart beating against his chest. He finally felt just how skinny she had really become, and he prayed that she would make a full recovery, both physically and mentally. She had changed so much in just half a year. She was more serious now, and duller, somehow, as though her very essence had been tarnished. She pulled away and wiped a few stray tears from her cheeks.
"Don't cry," he said, flicking a tear from the end of her nose, just as he'd done when they were children. He smiled down at her, and she laughed, just slightly, but it was enough to make her whole face light up again. He turned as if to leave, knowing that she must want to be with Levi. However, she grabbed one of his hands, and he paused, looking back at her.
"Don't go."
It sounded like a desperate plea rather than a request, and he was reminded of how she used to cling to him when they were younger. The panicked look in her eyes had him embracing her again immediately. She began sobbing, and he gently guided her to sit down on the bed, where he pulled her to his chest, arms wrapped tight around her trembling frame.
"Shh," he soothed. "You're safe now. You're back with us, where you belong."
He stroked her pale hair, and after a while, her sobs began to subside. He let go of her and she sniffled, her cheeks blotchy and red.
"I'm sorry."
"You've nothing to be sorry for," he replied.
She scrubbed at her face before taking a deep breath and looking at him.
"I really don't blame you, Erwin. At all. I know that you feel guilty, but you shouldn't."
Anastasya knew him better than anyone else. With her, there was nowhere to hide beneath his usual stoicism. She saw straight through it every single time, and she saw through it now, as his guilt finally bubbled to the surface.
"Each time I plan and carry out an Expedition, I...I am the one responsible for what happens. For all of the people we lose. If the mission is a disaster, it's my fault for failing to keep my soldiers safe. The day we went out, the day we lost you, was the biggest failure of them all," he said. "I should have protected you."
"How?" she asked. "How were you to know that a Titan would come out of nowhere? How were you to know that I'd fall into a ravine? How were you to know that I'd survive? There was no way you could have known."
"I stopped the search for you."
"We've been over this, Erwin. When you decided to stop, what was going through your mind?"
He thought back to the day that he'd tried so hard to block from his memories for the sake of his own sanity.
Her 'death' had almost destroyed him, and he was loath to revisit it.