The Path Back to You | Levi x OC

Chapter 56 - Unearthed

Erwin

Erwin heard Anastasya get to her feet and walk towards him, though he kept his eyes trained on the desk. When she didn't say anything he mustered the courage to look up, expecting to see her towering over where he sat. However instead he simply saw the crown of her pale hair, which shone rose-gold in the fading sunlight, as she knelt at his feet. Her amethyst-blue eyes glimmered with fear, and she held her hands clasped tightly in front of her face.
"Please," she pleaded, her voice catching slightly. "Please listen to Levi. Please stay here."
She'd never begged him for anything in the almost twenty-five years that they had known one another and yet there she was, on the floor and close to tears ahead of what was probably going to be the most significant operation the Scouts had ever carried out. He couldn't help but sigh, though in truth he'd been expecting the conversation for some time.
"How can you ask that of me? You of all people? This is it. This is where we prove that our fathers were correct, Anastasya, and where we shine truth upon our world."
"And if they were correct, what then? We're going to need someone to guide us based on whatever we find in that basement. That person... It has to be you."
"Why? Why does it have to be me? Hange is more than capable as a Commander. You are too, for that matter."
She shook her head, lowering her hands.
"Don't you want to see what happens? Don't you want to see how what we find has an impact on the future?"
"Of course I do. But I need to be there when we make the discovery. You know how important it is to me."
Her expression soured, and he knew what was coming.
"I know better than anyone. After all, it's the very reason you cast me aside."
"Anastasya..."
"Don't try to deny it. You wanted to avoid this exact situation. You thought that if you gave up on us, you'd be free to pursue the promise we made, all those years ago, without this kind of drama or guilt. You thought I'd just let you go, that I wouldn't try and get you to change your mind, that I'd accept all the risks you faced because I'd have someone else to care for and worry about instead."
She paused, huffing a humourless laugh.
"I'm sorry to break it to you, Erwin, but I can't do that. I've been lenient over the years, just as hungry as you to achieve our aim, but this? I can't accept it. I can't let you go. I can't stand by and watch as you needlessly gamble with your own life when it's completely avoidable!"
He got up and went to the window, suddenly needing to distance himself from her. A wave of guilt washed over his body so intensely that his vision swam as he stared out at Wall Rose in the distance. Guilt and regret. Those two feelings had hounded him since he was a child, intensifying with every soldier he sacrificed, every person he let down. He'd always instructed those around him to never harbour regrets. That once you did, the only thing left for you to do was die. For the most part, he'd successfully buried it all, allowing him to keep moving forward no matter how cold and heartless he appeared. In fact, he'd even fooled himself into believing he was simply void of those emotions. He'd never fooled Anastasya, though, and now there she was, shovel out and determined to unearth it all. To make him feel again. He listened, every nerve stretched to breaking point, as the reminder of the biggest regret of his life got to her feet behind him. He wondered what tactic she'd try next.
"Don't you think I want to discover the truth, too?" she asked, softening her tone. "I've spent virtually my whole life trying to fulfil the vow we made, just like you have. The difference between us is that I'm not searching for answers just for my own sake because I feel as though I've got something to prove. I'm pursuing the truth so that I can help and save the people around me with the hope that we all might just live a little easier, a little longer. I want to spare the people I love from losing their friends and family, and that includes me. If I die trying to achieve that, it doesn't amount to much."
"What about humanity?" he asked quietly, well aware of her stance already. "All of the people beyond those whom you know and care about?"
"You mean the humanity that you just agreed to risk dooming in order to fulfil your own desire to lead the operation? Erwin, this is madness."
"Maybe."
He finally faced her and saw fresh tears glistening in her eyes.
"When I tried to stop you from coming with me to retrieve Eren, despite how badly you were injured, you insisted. Why?" he asked.
She frowned down at the floor whilst she cast her mind back.
"I wanted to help with the mission. I wanted to support you and... I needed to know that something, even just a fragment of the old me, remained from before I was left outside the walls."
He nodded, remembering how desperate she'd been, as though her very soul had depended on her going with him to get Eren.
"I saw how much it meant to you and, even though I was afraid of losing you, I didn't deny you the chance to come with me and I'm glad I didn't because without you I would've died. Even though it was risky, even though you could have been killed, I didn't want to refuse you what you wanted. No...what you needed. I ask that you do the same for me."
She let out a small, strangled noise of frustration and swiped at an escaped tear.
"I can't! I can't do that!" she exclaimed. "I don't care if you think I'm the most selfish person in the world, but I don't want to lose you, damnit! I can't!"
"Life will go on without me."
She shook her head, the tears falling freely now. The guilt she'd dredged up was threatening to suffocate him. He'd known this day would come and yet, no matter how many times he'd played out all of the possible scenarios in his head, he was completely unprepared.
"How can you do this to me?" she whispered.
"It's not about you."
Though she hid it well, Anastasya had always had poor impulse control and so he wasn't surprised in the slightest when she slapped him hard across the face. He suffered the pain gladly, knowing she'd cut his skin, and then grabbed both of her slender wrists in his hand to stop her from lashing out again, though he knew that he more than deserved it.
"Do I really mean that little to you?" she demanded, struggling to free herself. "I know you gave up on our future together all those years ago, but I didn't think you'd given up on me. I thought you still cared enough to listen to me, to trust me, to spare my feelings."
"Don't you see that it's all I have left?" he said, unable to stop his voice from shaking.
She froze and, with great caution, he released her. She'd done it. She'd dug and dug and now his deepest, most secret thoughts had been unearthed.
"What?"
"I made a mistake, Anastasya. I should never have let you go."
Realisation and agony bloomed across her beautiful face, twisting it into something terrible.
"No," she gasped. "No, you..."
"I'm sorry," he said, forcing himself to keep looking at her. To punish himself with the pain he was causing. "It's cruel of me to tell you this but... I think I want you to know, now, in case it's the last chance I have." Shame leaked from his every pore, but he couldn't stop. "When I ended our relationship, I thought I was doing the right thing. It broke my heart, but I didn't want to keep having to choose between you and the vow we made, and I didn't want you to be with a man like me; unable to give up on such a dangerous dream. A man willing to sacrifice without limits. A man willing to die for it, no matter how deeply in love he was."
She was sobbing, now, but he didn't allow himself to touch her.
"A few months later, I realised how empty I felt. Even the dream began to seem pointless. I wondered if I should've been selfish and stayed with you whilst trying to fulfil the vow regardless, but I hesitated. I wanted you to be with someone who was worthy of you, someone who would put you first always and unconditionally, and I didn't think I could ever do that. When you and Levi met that day in the Underground, I knew instantly that he was the man who could."
He smiled at the bizarre memory of Anastasya and Levi trying to slit each other's throats. Despite their hostile encounter, he'd seen first-hand how something had sparked between the two of them whilst fading between him and Anastasya forever.
"After the two of you met, I decided not to tell you how I felt," he continued. "Perhaps I should've let you decide for yourself in the first place whether or not to stay with me, knowing the lengths I'd go to in order to prove my father's theory, but I don't for a second regret that you're with Levi. That, at least, was something good to come from my mistake."
"Does he...does he know all this?"
"Yes. When we thought we'd lost you forever, he wanted to hear from me why I ever let you go. What I suspect he didn't realise until today is that, because of my decision, the dream I gave you up for... It's all I have left. I need to achieve it not just to uphold the memory of our fathers and the vow we made as children, but to make what I chose worth it." He glanced down before meeting her gaze, searching her face for understanding. "Do you see, Anastasya?"
"I-I do," she managed to sob. "But we're your family. W-we are what you have left."
"I know. I know that I have you, and Levi, and Hange, and the others. But I need to ease my regret not just over what I did to us, but also over making my father's theory public. I can't... I can't even begin to picture a future for myself until I've achieved that."
"Oh, Erwin." She stood there, at a loss, as the tears fell like rain. "I understand. I understand now."
He nodded and, at last, he reached out for her. He drew her into a fierce hug, holding her close as she shook against him.
"Whatever we face out there, whatever happens, I'm glad for the time I've spent with you. It's an honour, having you in my life, and I'm sorry for the hurt I've caused. You are the one who's always given me strength and inspired me to keep going," he told her. "Thank you."
"I'm glad, too," she whispered.
He kissed the top of her head and they stepped apart.
"I...I should go and finish making preparations," she mumbled, already heading for the door.
He watched her leave without another word, praying that he'd live long enough to see her happy again, despite the fact that he felt like he'd just said goodbye.