The Path Back to You | Levi x OC

Chapter 67 - Catharsis

Anastasya

Anya found herself sitting on her bed back in her room in Trost, though she wasn't sure how or when she'd got there. In fact, she'd barely registered anything of what had happened between that moment and leaving Erwin on his own somewhere in the city. She blinked as Levi's face appeared in her line of vision. He was crouched on the floor, looking up at her with what she supposed was concern. He reached out and took her hands in his. How she was acting... Deep down, she realised that it wasn't fair. The burden of his decision must have been all but crushing him as it was, without her making him worry, and yet... She still couldn't speak. The words, the motivation, simply wouldn't come.
"Do you want me to stay?" he asked.
His voice was quiet and full of doubt. It was so unlike him to be unsure of himself, especially around her. There was only an ounce of compassion left in her and she used it to nod, just once.
Relief flashed through his eyes, and he gently removed her shoes and ODM gear, before taking off his own. She reached into her pocket and retrieved Erwin's bolo medal, running her thumb over the smooth surface while touching the sapphire necklace he'd given her with the other hand. Levi disappeared, presumably to wash, and so she shifted over to the far side of the bed. She'd already drifted off into a blissfully painless sleep by the time he returned.

***

Levi

A whole day had passed, and Anya still hadn't uttered a word. Nor had she eaten anything, and Levi was having to forcefully ensure that she drank. He glanced to where she was sleeping on the bed and decided to take the opportunity to get some fresh air and see how Hange was. She was yet another source of guilt for him. She had been thurst into the position of Commander at the Scouts' lowest, most tragic point in history and was more or less doing everything on her own, but Levi's priority was not the Scouts in that moment. Anya needed him more, and he was becoming seriously worried about her condition. He went via the kitchen and took two cups of tea to where Hange was sitting on the steps outside HQ. He passed one to her before sitting and sipping from his own. Hange shot him a grateful smile tinged with sadness, a thick bandage wrapped across her damaged eye.
"How is she?"
He placed his teacup on the ground and sighed, resting his arms on his knees and bowing his head.
"I can't get through to her. She still hasn't spoken. Not a word. Not even a damn sound, other than crying. All she's done is cry, go to the bathroom, and sleep. She hasn't eaten for over two days now." He looked up. "Hange, what do I do?"
He wasn't used to asking for help, but he was on the edge of despair. It was probably the closest he'd ever been. He knew that Anya couldn't help it, but it was as though he was being denied of his own time to grieve Erwin and his comrades because he was so focused on trying to help her. He felt like a bastard just for thinking that way, and more guilt threatened to consume him. Hange was silent for a long while. Eventually, after a long gulp of tea, she answered.
"You need to be honest with her and tell her you need her. Anya's the type of person who puts everyone she cares about before her. The way she's behaving now... We both know it's not like her, but she's stuck. She needs something to bring her back, to pull her out of whatever hole she's fallen into. I know that you're trying to be strong, but I think if you show her how you really feel right now, she'll respond."
"Isn't it selfish, burdening her with that?"
Hange smiled wryly.
"No. That's what friends and partners do. They're there for one another. She doesn't need you to be strong all the time. She needs to know that she's not alone in her suffering. That she hasn't lost everyone."
"I've been trying not to talk about myself. Part of the reason that I haven't is... I guess I'm scared she'll blame me," he admitted.
"She won't. Just talk to her, Levi. Trust me. She needs you as much as you do her."
He nodded and sipped from his tea, staring off down the cobbled street.
"How are you doing?" he asked.
"Reading through Doctor Jaeger's books is keeping me distracted. I'll fill you in on everything tomorrow. And Jean, Conny, Floch and Armin have been helping with things, keeping me company and such. Every so often, though... The grief creeps up on me and slaps me in the face. I miss Erwin and the others, and...Moblit. It's so strange that he's not by my side anymore, warning me to be careful and calling me reckless."
"Yeah," Levi lamented. "He was one of the only ones who kept you in check. Now you're going to be uncontrollable."
Hange chuckled.
"I'm sure you and Anya will do a decent job."
"Anya's more likely to conspire with you than to restrain you. Or at least, she was."
"She will be again," she said gently. "She just needs time. You know how close they were."
"Yeah, I know." He finished his tea and got up. "I'd better go and see if I can finally get through to her."
"Good luck."
He was more on edge going back to Anya's room than he was when facing Titans. He paused outside the door, steeling himself, and then walked in. Anya was still asleep but, as he lit a few candles against the encroaching twilight and got closer to her, she stirred and woke. He used to love watching her wake up, but these days it only caused him heartache. It was always the same; for a few, blissful seconds, she had a reprieve from all of the grief and agony and her face was simply neutral; not quite content but, in that fleeting moment, he could pretend she was okay. However, then their awful reality would come crashing back into her with full force. She would gasp, the tears flowing almost immediately afterwards, and the light behind her eyes would flicker out to nothing. He forced himself to watch as it happened again. She got up on unsteady feet and went to the bathroom, before shuffling back and getting into the bed again, turning her back on him to face the wall. As her body shook with sobs, he almost lost his nerve. How could he tell her how he really felt when he was the one that had ultimately chosen to let Erwin go? When he was the cause of all this pain? He sat on the bed, staring down at the floor beneath his feet. He took a deep breath and prayed she would respond, reasoning that even her anger was better than her current, isolated sorrow if it just meant she would say something.
"We need to talk," he said quietly. There was no response, so he ploughed on. "It's killing me, seeing you like this. You have to let me back in, and you have to start taking care of yourself again."
Her sobs had subsided, but he had no doubt that she was merely weeping silently instead. He wasn't even sure she was listening to him.
"Anya..."
Nothing.
Without warning, a rage, borne of desperation, guilt and despair began rising within him. Before he could stop it, it erupted.
"Fuck, Anya!" he exclaimed, jumping up and pacing around the room, running a hand through his hair. "At least look at me, damnit!"
To his utter astonishment she turned, sat up, leant against the wall, and drew her knees to her chest, her bloodshot eyes boring into him. However, his surprise was not enough to bottle his anger again.
"You think you're the only one suffering right now?" he demanded. "That you were the only one who cared about him?! He was my best friend. Along with you, he was the one who dragged me up out of the Underground and gave me a chance at a better life. How do you think I feel, knowing that my decision is...is the reason he's not with us anymore?!" He was shouting, now, but he didn't care. He had to let it all out. "He's gone, Anya. He's gone, and I know it's my own damn fault, and I know you might hate me for it but, right now, I need you. Do you hear me? I need you!"
He swiped at the tears spilling down his cheeks. She hadn't so much as blinked throughout his entire outburst, and he turned to storm from the room before he kicked and broke something. His fingers were on the door handle when he heard her.
"It's not your fault," she whispered, her voice hoarse from lack of use over the past few days.
His eyes widened, and he turned back.
"...What?"
"It's not your fault."
He strode back over to her and she looked up at him. There was a glimmer of clarity in her eyes. It was the first time he'd seen it since Shiganshina, and he clung to the hope it gave him.
"I was the one who made the decision," he said, quieter now. "I was the one who injected the serum into Armin. Of course it's my fault."
She shook her head.
"If I had wanted to stop you, I would have. ...You saw, didn't you? Back on that roof, you saw it in my face. My...my decision."
He replayed the scene over in his head for the thousandth time. Anya was clutching Erwin's hand, tears sparkling in her eyes, and she nodded to him, ever so slightly, just as he was wondering if he should let Erwin rest. Ever since, he'd been agonising over whether he'd misinterpreted her, if they'd been on different pages entirely, but her admission finally brought him some relief.
"Yeah... I saw."
"It wasn't just your decision, in the end. If I... If I had told you to save him, would you have listened?"
Levi considered for a moment. He had been so close to choosing Erwin. So, so close. It was the logical choice, and it was the emotional choice, but he'd still had doubts. If he was fully, 100% honest with himself, Anya had helped him to decide more than anyone or anything else had.
"I don't know. Yes."
"Then the remorse you feel... Share it with me."
He shook his head.
"Did we do the right thing?"
"I don't know," she confessed. "Deep down, I think the answer is yes, yet...this pain, this heartbreak... It makes me wonder how it could ever be right when I feel so wretched."
He realised that it was the first time she wasn't crying since Erwin's death, and yet for him, the tears wouldn't stop. She got to her feet and, tentatively, she embraced him. He clung onto her as though his life depended on it. He was finally able to express his grief over everything that had happened instead of holding it back for her sake. Her grip on him tightened, and he felt her body start trembling again. Together they mourned, standing there in the candlelit darkness for what felt like hours.