The Novak Dolls

Michael Needs To Chill Out

Let's talk about Michael, shall we? He hasn't been given enough attention lately.

Michael sometimes feels like the forgotten sibling. How could he not? He's not the oldest, the youngest, the smartest, or the loudest. He's smart, a good son, but so is Castiel, and Michael has been roped into enough of Lucifer's plans over the years to know that Cassie is definitely the better son out of the two of them.

So all Michael really has going for him is that he's the college kid. He determined ages ago that the way his father keeps track of all his children so well is that he likely compartmentalizes things. Lucifer is the bad child and the one with the girlfriend. Gabriel is the prankster who likes candy. Hannah is the youngest and most likely to end up with a career in politics. Castiel is the smart one. Anna is the loud gossipy one. Balthazar....

Balthazar is a spiral in a world full of squares, because a circle was too dull of a shape for him to associate with.

And Michael is the college kid, simply because he's the only one in his family to go to college, to his knowledge. Chuck and Amara never went, and he knows better than to ask about his mother's education level, and Lucifer chose to blow stuff up for a job rather than get a degree, which, if they're all being honest, was the best possible path for Satan.

There was nothing wrong with being the college kid, Michael thought. He liked college. Sure, he didn't have many friends on campus, but he'd never been big on friends so that was fine. He didn't have a girlfriend for about a dozen different reasons, that was fine too, it was just...

Things were kinda dull at college. Wheat field dull.

And if there was one consistent thing about the Novak House, it was that nothing was EVER dull.

So when Michael got the chance to do something that wasn't dull, of course he took the opportunity. His friend Zach had gotten them invited to a party at the school's most popular sorority. Which was great! Parties, yay!

...Except that Michael hadn't been to a college party before.

Naturally, only Satan himself could have the answer to a problem like that, couldn't he?

******

"I'm not seeing what the problem is," Lucifer insisted as he scribbled pentagrams on his arm with a sharpie. Michael flopped on his bed so that his head was dangling off the edge. Maybe a blood rush would help him figure it out.

"I don't know what college parties are like," Michael explained. "I don't know what I'm supposed to do at them."

"Drink."

"I have to drive home."

"Then do what all awkward people do at parties and cling to your friends like they're your only life preserver in the ocean."

"And when Zach inevitably ditches me to hook up with some sorority chick or two, what then?"

"Find a corner and hide in it."

"And do what?"

"Grab a drink, sip from it in an overly casual way, and stare out at the masses like a deer in headlights until Zach returns and then bail. Or just don't go to the party."

"Somehow this doesn't seem like good advice."

"Cause it's not, but I know you, Mikey, and that's exactly what you'd do at a college party."

"And what would YOU do at a college party?" Satan raised an eyebrow.

"You really wanna know?"

"Yes! Maybe if I do what you do, I'll fit it better."

"No you won't."

"Try me."

"Alright, then what I normally do is drink til I'm tipsy, play beer pong, do some body shots, dance around, you HAVE to jump in the pool if there is one, actually talk to people, maybe play some Truth or Dare or another raunchy party game, and it usually ends with me making out with Chloe, but if you ever attempt that I'd have to kill you."

"Wow."

"With a knife."

"Body shots...?"

"And some toothpicks."

"Won't your underwear get wet if you jump in the pool-"

"And a ballpeen hammer."

"You at least take off your shoes first, right?"

"It would be a very slow death."

"How do you know if you're tipsy or drunk?"

"You would feel every second of agony."

"What's the difference between tipsy and drunk?"

"I'd squeeze lemons and pour salt into the wounds in your eyeballs-"

"What are the rules of beer pong again?" Lucifer glared at him. "Calm down Dexter, I'm not gonna make out with Chloe, for about a million reasons."

"A million reasons, huh?"

"I mean, I can only think of like four off the top my head, but it's enough..."

"Out of curiosity, what are those reasons?"

"Uh, 1- you'd kill me. 2- Chloe would chop my balls off. 3- I don't like kissing people. 4- She's your girlfriend and I'm your brother and that would be not only a clear violation of the infamous Bro Code, but also just the biggest dick move you could ever make. Oh! And 5- I want you two to get married as much as the rest of the family, so there's no way I'd ever do anything to jeopardize your relationship." 

"....Those are pretty good reasons."

"I know."

"If I teach you the rules of beer pong will you promise me you're not going to lock yourself in the bathroom for the whole party?"

"Yes, but DON'T YOU DARE SAY IT-"

"Cause otherwise,"

"LUCIFER-"

"You'd just be-"

"I SWEAR TO DAD, SATAN-"

"MICHAEL IN THE BATHROOM,"

"YOU DICK."

"MICHAEL IN THE BATHROOM AT A PAAAARTYYYYY, NO YOU CAN'T COME IN!"

"Why did we ever let Hannah show you musicals-"

"MICHAEL WHO YOU DON'T KNOW-"

"How are you even on key?"

"MICHAEL FLYIN SOLO-"

"How do you even know all the lyrics?"

"MICHAEL IN THE BATHROOM BY HIMSEEELLLLLFFFFF-"

"I hate you."

"Get in line."