Turn Your Face

Somebody You Loved

"But how can I trust her again? How can I trust her again when she utterly and completely broke my heart?" I sunk into the couch cushion behind me at the realization of all that I had just said aloud.

For as much as I forgave her and appreciated her willingness to move forward, it was nearly impossible to for me to move forward from the month she was high. When I looked at my future, I still only saw her. But in the present I found myself flinching when she touched me, pausing before wrapping my hand tightly around hers. Sure, I had thought about all the things I said to Dr. Ives multiple times, the anger inside me boiling higher and higher with each passing day. That's exactly what they were though, thoughts — not anything I should have said to anyone, especially our joint therapist.

It was such an idiotic move. Emily was the only girl I had ever loved. The only person outside of my family that had ever truly cared for me more than she cared for herself. She had made a mistake, and we needed help for it never to happen again. But I shouldn't have brought up anything that could severely affect our relationship. I didn't want to lose her. I couldn't lose her.

"Alison. Alison?" Dr. Ives vocalized across from me.

As my thoughts swirled over and over again, I struggled to take a good breath. With every inhale, I gasped from not being able to fill my lungs. The increased breathing sent my heart rate higher until I could feel my heart beating out of my chest. Dr. Ives' hand remained on my knee attempting to calm me down, but I couldn't process how to stop my thoughts from spiraling. If I gave up on Emily, on our relationship, how could I be sure that anyone would ever love me again? Emily had been in other relationships before and after our first relationship. She would easily find love again, whereas, without Emily, I was destined to be alone.

I soon felt myself tilt on the couch as someone sat next to me, their voice echoing in my ears. "Alison, it's time to breathe now. Inhale and hold it. Exhale until the breath is gone. Try it again." Dr. Ives' hands settled on the sides of both my shoulders, and she repeated those words to me until I was physically responding. Her words no longer an echo. My thoughts no longer spiraling.

Once I was able to catch my breath, I began profusely apologizing which was quickly met by an understanding response, "You are okay, Alison. You must have brought up a deep issue for other fears to bubble up into a full-blown panic attack."

"Apparently..." I mumbled still trying to push the prevailing thoughts of inadequacy deep down back inside myself.

Dr. Ives pulled back out her manila folder and began retaking notes as if I hadn't just had a panic attack in front of her, "So, Alison, when you came in here last week, you failed to mention your issues with anxiety."

"It's not actually an issue. I've learned to silence it so that it doesn't bother me anymore. It was terrible after my mom passed, but I have it under control now."

"Hmm... Tell me what that was then."

"A fluke, I guess? I think I just surprised myself with what I was saying." I fought to take back the words I had spoken out loud.

"I understand what you're doing right now, Alison. It's okay to regret your words, but in this office, you need to be willing to honor your anxiety."

I looked up from picking my nails in confusion, "Do what now?"

"It's the phrase I use when it comes to anxiety disorders," she put her hand up before I could speak, "which I'm not diagnosing from one panic attack, don't worry. But should this truly be a bigger issue with you, you have to honor it. I'll use a common example found with a lot of my clients, social events. They tend to make people anxious and can lead to dangerous behaviors before, during, or after a party. So if you were having a high anxiety day and knew you were going to a party later with 50 people, honor that. Don't come to the party when it is in full swing where you'll be around more people. Watch how much you drink. Bring someone who will help you stay as long as you want and leave when you need to leave. Be willing to make decisions that lead you away from what causes you panic. When you learn what it takes to honor your anxiety, those bigger scenarios that come out of nowhere are more manageable."