Something New

Chapter 21

The week leading up to the dinner, was hectic for both Beam and Joss, so they could not meet each other even once. Beam knew that it was weird that he didn't miss Joss, even when he wasn't working and that just did not sit right with him. But he brushed off the warning signs and poured himself into his work.

The evening of the dinner, Beam drove to Joss' place to pick him up, but Joss insisted that they take his Tesla instead. Beam did not want to argue, so he agreed, and Joss drove them to Beam's parents' place.

During the drive, Joss spoke about his week at work and how busy he was, the whole time and he didn't ask Beam about his week, even once. Beam felt a twinge in his chest when his mind went back to his fight with Forth and he realized how the other man must have felt.

Beam was not paying attention to what Joss was saying, but that didn't seem to matter, because the guy kept going and Beam thought to himself that it was almost like he wasn't even there. It hit him like a ton of bricks that Forth must have felt that too, invisible and unimportant and that he was the person that made him feel that way and he felt sick to his stomach.

Finally, they reached their destination, and the torturous car ride came to an end. Beam walked in first with Joss following behind him. His dad met them first and bypassed Beam and smiled widely at Joss. He shook the taller guy's hand and with an arm around his shoulder, walked him into the house saying, "Joss, it has been too long. How are you doing?" and they both bantered like old friends and Beam just shook his head and went to look for his mom.

During dinner, Joss got along with his dad like a house on fire and Beam knew that he should be happy that the guy he was seeing, was getting along with his parents, but he wasn't. It just highlighted how similar they both were, in a lot of aspects and that grated on his nerves.

After dinner, they all settled in the living room and his dad proposed a toast to Joss and his excellent work at the oncology unit. Beam took a big gulp and was nursing a big headache, but he kept a fake smile up on his face. Eventually, the topic of settling down and marriage came up and Beam stiffened, visibly tensed.

Joss looked at him adoringly and said, "We are taking it slow, but who knows where we'll be in six months. Maybe congrats will be in order." He winked conspiratorially at his dad. Beam blanched, he didn't say anything, but all his senses were screaming at him that all of this felt wrong.

His mom kept trying to get him to meet her eyes, but he avoided that like the plague, because unlike the oblivious men, his mom could read his emotions through his eyes and he did not want her to feel bad for him. Unlike her, his dad let out a celebratory whoop and pulled Joss into a hug, almost as if he was welcoming him into the family already.

The rest of the evening felt torturous to Beam and when they left, Joss was on cloud nine. He seemed oblivious to the fact that Beam was not with him, on the cloud. The car ride was agony for Beam because Joss kept singing praises about what a great guy his dad was, and Beam silently took it all in.

They reached Joss' place and he leaned in to kiss Beam, but he moved away. Joss looked taken aback, but he said, "You can sleepover." While running a hand up Beam's thigh and leaning in again. Beam stopped the roaming hand and moved away again. Joss sighed, cupping Beam's face, he said, "Alright, I'm sorry if I'm moving too fast. I just thought we had such a good time tonight. I'll wait till you're ready."

Beam had tears in his eyes when he said, "I can't do this. I'm sorry." And quickly got out of the car. Joss was totally confused, he followed Beam and asked, "Wait what?! What are you talking about?! What's wrong?" Beam did not want to fall apart in front of him, so he said, "I just... I need to go." Joss stopped him and said, "Wait, you seem distressed. I'll drive you."

At that moment, Beam felt like the scum of the earth because Joss didn't deserve this. He was a good guy who deserved way better than him. So, he turned to him and said, "No... Joss, you are a great guy, the whole package, in theory, you are my perfect partner." His voice wavered, "but, I am not whole. So, this can never work. You deserve so much better than what I have to offer. I'm sorry but I need to leave."

Joss stood there stupefied, he tried to reason, "Beam, wait, let's talk about this. Is it something I did?" Beam rushed to set things straight, "Please don't ever think that. You did nothing wrong. Hear me? Nothing. It's me who's the idiot here. I screw up all the good things that ever happen to me. Please let me do the good thing here and walk away. You will find someone worthy of your love. I know you will, soon."

With that, he turned around and walked away without turning back, tear streaming down his face, cursing himself. He got into the car and smacked the steering wheel muttering, "An idiot, such a fucking idiot." He started to drive and ended up at Kit's place.

Kit opened his door to find Beam, bawling his eyes out on his doorstep. He was startled and almost fell over, when Beam leaned on him, sobbing uncontrollably and trembling. He supported his friend the best he could and yelled, "Ming! Hurry!" Ming rushed to the door and they both helped Beam in and sat him down on the couch.

Kit knew that asking him any questions would be useless, so he just hugged him and let him cry his heart out. He met Ming's concerned eyes over Beam's shoulder and mouthed, "Get some water!" Ming nodded and did just that.

When Beam finally stopped crying, Kit made him drink some water and asked, "Are you okay?" Beam just nodded. "What happened?" Kit asked, with a look of concern, but it morphed to anger when he asked, "Was it Joss? Did he hurt you? I'll kill that son of a bitch."

Beam couldn't help but love his best friend for that, but he quickly clarified, "No, no Kit I'm the asshole. I broke up with him. He was perfect right? But in here," he pointed to his heart, "there was nothing. There was no chemistry, no passion, he looks like a God, but I didn't feel anything." He sobbed again, "I think I'm broken Kit. What is wrong with me?"

Kit hugged him and patted his back to console him, "It's okay Beamie, It's your life and you have to do what's right by your heart. You did the right thing by calling it quits, without stringing him along." Beam groaned and said, "Yeah, but what if my heart is fucked up." Kit made Beam look him in the eyes and said, "It is not. You did a brave thing today. You listened to your heart and I am proud of you." That made some more tears fall out and Kit just held his friend.

After all the sobs had died down, Ming chimed in, "So, are you going to call Forth?" Kit shot him a death glare for asking that. Beam shook his head dejectedly, "No, that ship has sailed. I fucked that up to the moon and back. Moreover, he has moved on. He got back with his ex." He flinched at the last part.

Ming looked at him intently and said, "You can't not try P, you have to give it another shot. But only if you love him." He added, "because, I know that ending things with you broke him once and I don't think he can go through it a second time." He looked pained when he said that. Beam just looked at his own hands guiltily because he had hurt the one that he loved the most, just because he was afraid of his own feelings.

Kit gently said, "Beamie, we can't tell you what to do, but just ask yourself this, does he make you feel loved? Does he make you laugh? Does he make you want to be a better person? If the answers to those questions are yes, you owe it to both of you to let him know how you feel." Beam just nodded because there were too many thoughts racing through his head.

Beam smiled at them and said, "I promise that I will think about it. That's all I can do at this moment. Thanks so much for taking care of me and for always being there for me. I'll get going now." Just as he tried to get up, he was pulled back down. Kit looked at him like an angry mom and said, "There is no way I'm letting you drive back home in this state. You can sleep in our guest bedroom and I will drive you home nice and early tomorrow and we can go to the hospital together." Beam knew that it was no use arguing, so he agreed.

A/N - 🥺🥺🥺