I wish you stayed | Andrew (Merluca)

Part 1

2 months after Meredith's death | Andrew's point of view

...

"Today would have been our 2-year anniversary. If we were back together..." – 14. February 2021

...

Two months. Two months since the person I loved most died. She died. Without us ever having a chance to sort out the things that had gotten between us. Without telling her how much I still loved her.

Two months since my sister, Carina, found me in that room.

Because of the COVID-19 case surge there was no official funeral, but the hospital set up a room for us to say goodbye, because she was loved here. And one last time they wanted to give that love to her. And so, they bended the protocol as much as possible during these times to make it possible. For her and for them.

Carina found me in that room, sitting on the floor. I was just staring at the wall in front of me. I still remember that day and I'm sure I will never forget it. The last time I saw her.

Carina was the one who dragged me out of there into the nearest on-call room, I didn't want to go. I didn't want to leave her, but I went along with my sister, too paralyzed with what had happened.

I was so mad at Carina afterwards, for making me leave, but I start to see now that she only did the right thing. That she only tried to help me.

I had gotten quiet since then, I went back to the hospital, I worked, but I wasn't myself anymore. I didn't know how to grieve her.

Everyone was trying their best at work. After all they all loved her, and it was hard on everyone. But trying seemed like it wasn't enough, wherever I went, she was there. It started with the name of the hospital, or her patients I had to take over, or when the memories of the moments we spent together started to invade my thoughts. I couldn't take the elevator the first month; I always took the stairs when it was possible. I didn't go to the hospital rooftop anymore, like I used to do before. This place will never be the same again without her. And I tried to avoid the scan room on the second floor where I told her how I felt for the first time. She was everywhere. I loved it and I hated it.

The COVID-19 Pandemic was still going on and I was needed at the hospital. I couldn't take off a few days. No one could. And so, I was working.

...

In the evening

"Andrea?" I heard my sister banging on my apartment door.

Carina had started to check in on me a few weeks ago and she didn't let me push her away. I stood up, closed the little notebook I was writing in, looked at the picture I had laid inside with my thoughts before I put both away in a little box and then in my bookshelf and went over to the door to let her inside.

"Andrea, open!"

"I'm already here!" I greeted my sister annoyed. I closed the door behind her and walked back to my room.

Carina was the only one who knew how hard her death had hit me. We weren't together when she died. I had broken up with her some time before that because I couldn't see that she only wanted to help me when my symptoms started. I had pushed her away. And now I would do anything to just have one more moment with her. I hated myself for that.

I blamed her for leaving too soon, for leaving without giving me a chance to talk to her again and I hated everyone at the hospital for ignoring my pain.