I wish you stayed | Andrew (Merluca)

Part 15

2 years and 2 months (2 WEEKS LATER)

...

"It's terrifying to open up to someone new. I want to, but it scares me a lot. You were the only person who knew all my secrets. You made it so easy for me to confide in you. Thank you, Mer." – 28. February 2023

...

I just finished my shift and was on my way home when I saw Emma sitting on one of the benches outside the hospital. I had thought a lot about Carina's words. And I had thought a lot about talking to Emma, but I couldn't bring up the courage inside me to start that conversation.

I hadn't seen her that often at the hospital. We had crossed each other's path a few times, but we didn't work together on any case.

But today, before I could change my mind again and turn around to go home, I decided to talk to her. I went over to her a bit hesitantly, sitting down next to her, not completely sure what to say or where to start. Because the truth was, I liked her, and that conversation mattered to me, and that's what terrified me.

"I would want to spend a day like Valentine's day with you." I finally said after Emma observed me for some time.

"I think this was never really about Valentine's day?" She questioned a bit reserved. I couldn't blame her. I was the one who broke up with her and avoided her for weeks.

"It wasn't, but it was." I started, looking into the dark in front of me.  "I probably would have broken up with you sooner or later, because... I wasn't ready." It was harsh, but it was the truth. And I wanted to be honest with her "But saying it had nothing to do with Valentine's day would be a lie."

"Okay?" Out of the corner of my eye I noticed her turn her head towards me. I looked at her for a moment, before fixating my gaze at the dark in front of me again.

"I – Meredith and I started dating on Valentine's day. And – all that talking about Valentine's day... It brought back memories. And thinking about spending that day with someone else made me feel like I would just replace her." I turned towards her, before I continued "I don't want that. Not for her and not for you. She... She is too important to me to just replace her. But I was scared that this would happen when I let you get closer to me... And you also deserve to be treated as more than a replacement for Meredith. And I think you are more than that to me." I saw a small smile appear on her face, and I was pretty sure if I wasn't so nervous mine would match hers. "I don't want to just rewrite and replace that story. I want us to have our own story, and maybe our own special day."

"Okay."

"Okay?" I asked a bit disbelieving that she just accepted my apology without any questions or anything else.

"Yes." She gave me a small smile "I – I won't lie and tell you that it didn't hurt me when you pushed me away, but..." She paused for a moment "I have never felt like it was your intention to treat me like a replacement and I didn't feel like one. You showed me, in moments, that you were capable of love, you just weren't ready. You needed time. And I think it is okay. I just wished you had talked to me."

"You would want to try again?" I asked, not able to hide a small smile.

"Yes, I want to try." She assured me.

I kept smiling at her for a moment, before I turned a bit more serious again, looking away. If I really want to try this again, she needed to know all the facts. I didn't want to hide in front of her anymore.

"There is more you should know before..." I started hesitantly, trying to bring up the courage to tell her more about me. "You might have heard the rumors already... I do have bipolar disorder. And – I have been in a pretty bad state a few years ago. I have been doing better since then, but it can – I could have another crisis." I couldn't look at her while telling her this, scared to see her reaction.

"Andrew, I like you for the person you are, having an illness changes nothing of the way I see you." I heard Emma softly.

"I – Okay." I wasn't sure what to answer, relieved by her answer and at the same time trying to get my nerves together to tell her the other thing she needed to know. I felt Emma laying her hand on my leg to tell me that I didn't need to be nervous.

"I also – Meredith had three kids..." I decided to just spit it out. Because I wouldn't let anything change the relationship I had developed with these kids.

"Yours?"

"No. But- I visit them regularly and I – I love them a lot."

I was confused when I only saw a big smile on her face.

"What?" I asked her when she didn't say anything.

"Andrew the thought of you with kids only makes it even better." She laughed a little while looking at me, her lips turning into a huge smile.

"You are..." I felt so relieved in that moment, like I hadn't felt in a long time.

"What?" It was her time now to ask what was going through my mind.

"I think I love you." I searched for her eyes, looking directly at her, soon overwhelmed by the way she made me feel.

"I love you too." She answered, leaning in a little closer to give me a short kiss on my cheek.

"I think I'm not ready yet." I answered, part of me wanting to kiss her, and a part of me relieved that she seemed to have noticed that I wasn't completely ready just yet.

"I know. You figure out your thoughts. And when you have... That day will be our special day. I will wait for you."

I couldn't believe how lucky I was to have found Emma. She was... different than Meredith. Not better or worse... just different – even though she had some similar personal traits – But you couldn't compare them. And I didn't need to, because they were both amazing in their own way.

We kept sitting on the bench for a few more minutes, until Emma started again.

"Can I ask you something about Meredith?"

"Yes."

"You mentioned you were only together for a little more than a year. I don't want to diminish anything... I just want to understand better; I think. Why did she mean so much to you?"

"She was... She was there for me whenever I needed her. Even when I pushed her away. She showed me what real love felt like. She made me a better person."

I could see that she wanted to ask more but decided not to do it. But I wanted her to know that she could ask me. Yes, it was hard for me to talk about everything and maybe I wouldn't be able to answer all her questions, but I wanted to open up to her. And Meredith had been a big part of my life and always will be. And if I wanted Emma to get to know me better than I needed to open up about this part of my life too. At least a little bit.

"You can ask more if you want to."

She looked at me for a moment, before she started again "You said she was your ex-girlfriend..."

"We never had the chance to figure things out... I – I broke up with her when I had a manic episode... She just wanted to help me, but... I didn't want to see it at that time... Once I got diagnosed and treated, the pandemic started, and we never got the chance to talk about us... but she was there for me the whole time before she died."

...

"I probably said it before, but... I really want to thank you for staying by my side and helping me, when I couldn't see what was happening. Thank you for being there for me, Mer. Thank you for never giving up on me." – 28. February 2023

[That's what partners do. Thank you for always being there for me.]

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End of chapter 15