I wish you stayed | Andrew (Merluca)

Part 6

1 year and 10 months (1 MONTH LATER)

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"I'm not sure I can ever feel that again. I don't know if I want to feel that again." – 19. October 2022

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I couldn't love again. I was certain of that. Not in the way I loved Meredith. I would never be able to feel that again. And I didn't want to.

Ever since that night Emma told me that she loved me – she didn't really tell me – but ever since I heard those words I couldn't stop thinking about Meredith.

How did she love again?

I went through all the moments we had spent together over and over again. I wasn't sure I could ever love someone like that again. I fell in love with everything about her. Her smile, her laugh. With every kiss and touch we shared.

I couldn't imagine feeling that again. How could Meredith feel that again? Did she even feel that? Did she even love me?

Maybe she wanted it to be love but it wasn't possible?

Maybe that's why she didn't tell me that she loved me all the time back when I wanted to talk to her after her trial. Maybe that's why all our problems started; because she realized that she could never love me like she loved before.  Because she realized that what she thought was love wasn't love. Because it wasn't possible.

But it felt so real to me. To me... Maybe that's what it was... Maybe  just I felt like this?

I hated how that thought made me feel. I was confused.

...

It was Thursday. And on Thursdays my sister always came over to have dinner with me. She started that sometime after Meredith had died, because she didn't want me to be alone and we never changed it since.

We were both in the kitchen preparing pasta – And you really didn't need two Italians to prepare pasta – but I enjoyed it. Usually.

"Are you okay? You seem to be somewhere else these past few days?" Carina looked at me a bit worried, when she noticed that I looked for the plates the third time even though I had already put them on the table.

"I'm okay." I answered while trying to focus on my new task at hand. Making the salad.

"Andrea?" I should have known that my sister was persistent, that she wouldn't let me get away with this so easily.

"Carina, please!"

I looked at her hoping that for once she could just let it be. But when I mixed up the ingredients the second time, I knew she wouldn't and maybe she was right to not ignore it.

"Okay, stop! Andrea, what's going on?"

"I just- I need a minute." And with that I left the kitchen and went to my room, closing the door behind me. I stared at the door while taking a deep breath, before I let myself slide down the wall, sitting on the floor.

How could I make my thoughts stop? Why did my mind start to question everything that was good in my life?

And how was I supposed to tell my sister that I was still crying over my ex-girlfriend, because I wasn't sure she ever really loved me...

"Andrea? What's wrong?" I heard my sister knock on my door. I knew she would follow me; I knew running away wasn't really an option here, but I needed a moment.

I took another deep breath before I reached up opening the door, while I moved a little to the side, so I wasn't blocking the door anymore.

"I don't want to talk." I said even before Carina could come in.