Almost 2 years (1 WEEK LATER)
...
"Is it possible to love again? I want to believe that it is. But I'm not sure I could ever love anyone like I love you. I loved everything about you. I loved how you made me feel. I loved to see you smile. It always made me smile as well. You made me happy. And now everything feels so dark." – 07. December 2022
...
It was my day off today. I spent the day in my apartment. Almost two years had passed, and I felt more confused than before. I thought I had figured most of my questions out. But now I had more than ever before.
Did she ever love me? It felt so real. At least to me.
I spent a lot of time thinking about every moment we had shared. Of every 'I love you' we had said to one another. How scared she had been to get closer to me. Maybe that's what kept me from allowing myself to feel that again?
Maybe all the things that went through my mind were because I'm scared?
She was scared, too. But she had told me she loved me and not just once, even though it wasn't easy for her.
I remembered the last time I heard her say it.
...
It was in the staircase after I had quit working at the hospital. At that time, I couldn't see what everyone else was talking about. But she was there. She was there even though I had pushed her away. Despite all the things I had said to her. She was there. And she stopped me from making the biggest mistake in my life and leave this hospital, my job, from leaving her. She was there. And she had told me that she loved me.
I still remembered how she was reaching out for my wrists with her hands. My hands had still been healing from the frostbites I had gotten while going out during a blizzard. Because all I could see was saving that little girl, and I didn't think about myself anymore at that time.
She was there, she reached out for me and she told me she loved me.
She said she loved me.
What would I give to go back to that moment and tell her I loved her, too. But I was too deep in my head to say it back. I couldn't in that moment. And that would be one of the hardest moments to accept for me.
I remembered her hands around my wrist, while she was looking up at me. The smallest of smiles she was giving me when I accepted the suspension. I had loved her smiles. Every smile of hers.
She loved me.
...
I took a few deep breaths. I loved to dive into those memories with Meredith, but I hated it when I realized once again that those were just that. Memories. And not reality. I would never see her again. I would never hear her say these words again.
I stood up from my couch, went over to the kitchen and started to make some chocolate cookies to distract myself. I will spend the next day with the kids. And I knew they loved them. A little smile settled on my lips. The kids were just what I needed these days.
I still haven't figured anything out. I wasn't even completely sure what I was searching for. The only thing I knew was that I loved Meredith, and I loved her kids. And I got to a point in my mind, where I thought that Meredith loved me, too. I knew that Meredith wouldn't have said these words to me if she didn't mean them. I just didn't know how she could be sure that she was in love again. Because for me it seemed impossible. But for now that needs to be enough, even if I liked to have more answers.
When I finished the cookies, I let them cool down a little bit, before I packed them away, so, I could bring them for the kids tomorrow.
Once I cleaned the kitchen, I went back to my couch. When I took out my phone, I saw my still unanswered messages.
"Are you okay?" – Emma
The message from Emma. She had sent it after I had left her in the parking lot. I basically ran away. I felt guilty. Even after I had broken up with her, she was checking in if I was okay. She sure must've been hurt by my words. She deserved better than that. She deserved better than me. She deserved someone who could love her back.
But why did I want her to stay close at the same time?
...
"How did you know it was love?" – 08. December 2022
[Because it felt like love. You made me fall in love again]
__________
End of chapter 8
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I wish you stayed | Andrew (Merluca)
Fanfiction[AU based on Season 17] Andrew tries to figure out his feelings after Meredith died. How is he supposed to grieve and how can he maybe move on at some point? I don't own any of the characters!
