I wish you stayed | Andrew (Merluca)

Part 3

1 year (6 MONTHS LATER)

...

"I wasn't ready to lose you, Mer." – 12. December 2021

...

"Are you sure you want to go there alone?" I heard Carina behind me in the kitchen. We had always been close, but ever since my diagnosis and then Meredith's death our relationship had become even stronger.

I knew what she was doing. She was checking in on me if I was sleeping and taking my medication regularly. But for once I wasn't annoyed by her overprotectivenes – at least most of the time – I was just glad for the company. And if she hadn't been there for me, I wasn't sure I would be able to get through this.

"I'm sure." I answered, trying to assure her. "I need to do this alone." I added a bit more serious when I saw her unconvinced look. I kept looking at her, asking her to understand.

"Okay, but if you need anything later, you know where to find me."

"Thank you, Carina."

...

I was on my way to visit Meredith today. I hadn't been at her grave before. There hadn't been a funeral due to the pandemic. And afterwards I couldn't bring up the courage to go there to visit her.

One year ago, the person I loved more than anything died. One minute I was her doctor trying to do everything to fight for her life. And she had started to get better... And the next minute I was a doctor who saw the person I loved most dying.

'You're making progress' That's what my therapist said, but I didn't feel like it. On the outside, maybe... I was going to work, I had my therapy sessions and I even had dinner with Carina sometimes. But on the inside... One year later I still had no idea how to live without her. If anything, it was getting worse, because I missed her more every day.

Visiting Meredith's kids had helped a bit. I tried to see them once a week. And they seemed to welcome my company as well. But it was so hard at the same time. Seeing them and seeing Meredith in every one of them; seeing how much they missed their mom. They were so young and already suffered so much. They were so strong! Just like their mom was.

I never got the chance to build a strong relationship with them when Meredith was still alive, because it just wasn't enough time. But I loved them, and I felt like we were getting closer every time I saw them. They were a part of what kept me going. I tried to look forward. I just haven't figured out how.

I arrived at her grave, carefully laying down the flowers I had brought with me. I kept staring at the gravestone for a moment, trying to keep my emotions together.

"I miss you a lot." I started to speak shakily after taking a deep breath.

It took me a moment before I could say more; to bring up the courage to say more; to be vulnerable...

"I feel lost. I don't know – I don't know what to do anymore." I stopped for a moment, staying in silence, before I continued. "You were the one who always showed up when I was struggling." A small smile appeared on my lips at the memories of her. 

[You'll find your way, Andrew]

She had always been there for me, even during the time I pushed her away. She was there, but I wasn't... 

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry that we missed all that time because of me." 

[It's not your fault]

"I just want you to know that I still love you." 

[I love you, too]

... 

"I wasn't ready to let you go so soon. I think you weren't ready to go so soon either. But I know that wherever you are now, you're with the people you loved. And I hope you're happy. I just wished I could kiss you one more time. That I could tell you that I love you. See your smile one last time. I wished I would have gotten the chance to say goodbye." – 12. December 2021

[I'm with the people I love, I'm happy, but I wasn't ready to leave you either.]

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End of chapter 3 

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I just couldn't get over the thought what Meredith could/would answer Andrew if she could hear him... That's why I included it in the [ ]...

And THANK YOU for reading!!