2 years (NEXT DAY)
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"Two years without you..." - 12. December 2022
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"Mer, please! Stay with me! " I took her hand in mine, pleading her to not go from us.
The last time I held her hand, before her heart stopped beating forever. The last words, before everything went quiet.
I still remembered Maggie screaming and pleading for her to not leave, transforming into cries, but for me, everything went quiet. Maggie didn't want it to be true. She couldn't believe what had happened. Neither could I; or anyone else in that room.
But in that moment I was too paralyzed, with shock and disbelief and a thousand other feelings that I couldn't move anymore. I couldn't think anymore. And, so, the last words I spoke that day were when I pleaded Meredith to stay with me, before everything inside me went quiet; everything inside me went numb.
After that day I hadn't known how to express the amount of feelings inside me, without them completely overwhelming me. It had taken me a long time to start processing what had happened. I was still processing what had happened.
When Meredith got ripped away from this world. When she left us forever. When I lost her and never got a chance to even be with her.
I remembered Link looking after Amelia, who had seen everything from outside the room, soon followed by Winston, who tried to bring Maggie out of the room. But I... That day I lost Meredith, even though I wasn't supposed to feel like I lost her, because we weren't together anymore. But I had lost her. And I never felt so alone, like I felt that day.
It was Carina, who had brought me out of that room and then home some time later.
.
I lost Meredith that day.
I thought I had lost her forever.
It is hard to describe, but now I know that she is still here somehow.
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I was walking through the cemetery to visit Meredith. It was her second death day today. And saying that it was easier than the first time I came here would be a big understatement. Everyone told me that it would get easier, but I wasn't sure it ever will.
Once I arrived at her grave, I removed some leaves that laid on her gravestone, letting my hand rest there for a moment, before I laid down the flowers, I had brought with me.
I looked over her grave for some time. My flowers were next to three drawings from her kids. Two had the letters 'We miss you' on them. And one showed Meredith as an angel looking over all of them.
The idea of her still being here watching over them, watching over us, gave me more comfort than I could have ever imagined. I don't know if that was possible, but I knew that she still helped me in some way. Somehow she was still with me.
I was looking up at the sky for a moment, thinking about the last two years, before I looked down to her gravestone with all the flowers on her grave again.
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"You are so loved, Mer. We miss you a lot." I started softly.
"I'm sorry I didn't come more often..." I stopped for a moment, taking a few deep breaths.
"I was so mad at you, but I think I understand it now..." I continued slowly, looking away for a moment. I felt bad for having been mad at her. For doubting her. But I knew now that I had to go through that in order to figure out my own feelings and fears. And I hoped she would forgive me. And I think she would, because I knew that she knew how hard it was to move on.
"I was so mad, but I think overall I was just scared. I'm so scared that I'll get hurt again." I started again, looking up, before I added "But what scares me most is the thought of letting you go. I'm scared to give my love to someone who isn't you and lose you because of that."
"I think you were scared too. Or- You told me that it scared you too. I just- I'm so thankful that you chose me to be a part of your life. That you gave me your love. Because it was the best feeling I've ever had. Being with you made me so happy. It made me feel so much love." I told her what was going through my mind, drifting away into my thoughts.
"I wish we would have had more time together." I added with a sad smile, before taking another deep breath.
"I think you would want me to be happy again. But the thought is terrifying." I knew she wouldn't want me to cling onto the past, she would want me to look forward. But that was much easier said than done.
"The past few weeks have been hard. But I feel like I start to be better again." I felt how a small smile formed on my lips. It was true. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I would be okay.
"But overall, I'm doing okay." I paused for a moment, thinking about my general well being "I haven't had a bigger crisis ever since I got diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I wasn't doing well after your death, but I got it handled, I managed to stay on top of it. I think you would be happy for me." I stopped for another moment, going through my thoughts "I also have a lot of help. My sister, Bailey and Richard, your sisters... and you. You still help me so much, Mer."
"Thank you for being a part of my life, Mer."
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"The last two years have been the hardest years of my life. I thought I had nothing to look forward to anymore when you died. I have never felt so sad... When I got diagnosed with bipolar disorder, you told me to fight for myself, and I did. You were there for me. But when you left... I felt like I had nothing to fight for anymore. But... also because of you and with time I realized that I still have things to fight for, to look forward to. My sister, your sisters, who became amazing friends to me, your kids, whom I love with my whole heart, and my own happiness. Maybe I will find love again or maybe I won't, but you showed me that I still have something to fight for. Thank you, Mer. I love you." - 12. December 2022
[I'm proud of you, Andrew.]
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End of chapter 12
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I wish you stayed | Andrew (Merluca)
Fanfiction[AU based on Season 17] Andrew tries to figure out his feelings after Meredith died. How is he supposed to grieve and how can he maybe move on at some point? I don't own any of the characters!
