I wish you stayed | Andrew (Merluca)

Part 5

1 year and 8 months (2 MONTHS LATER)

...

"'You're going to fall in love again. And you're going to get your heart broken again and that's life. And it's beautiful, and it's messy. It's a beautiful mess. But you can't cling to what was. You have to look to what might be.'" - 24. August 2022

...

My relationship with Emma progressed and I was trying. I was trying so hard to not let my fear get into my head, to not let my doubts control my thoughts, to not feel guilty. I was trying.

We had started seeing each other more often outside the hospital, we never went on an official date, but it was dinner at my place or taking lunch together, or just spending the evening together at her place.

We were taking it slow and I was thankful for the pace we set. I liked spending time with her. I liked being around her. I just didn't like the thoughts that tortured me afterwards. But I tried.

We eventually spend our first night together and to say that it went without any awkwardness would be a lie. But she didn't judge me, she gave me a moment. And so, I turned over to her to lay my arm around her, slightly caressing her shoulder. And while I felt her drift off to sleep, my thoughts started to drift off, too.

But to another place; to another person.

Meredith.

.

To the moment I woke up next to Meredith after we had spent our first night together.

It was in the middle of the night, because I had to leave, so the kids wouldn't see me, but it didn't matter what time it was, because this had been my new favorite way to wake up.

I still remembered the happiness I felt when I opened my eyes and saw Meredith with a small smile next to me.

"Hey." She whispered once I turned to lie on my side, so I could face her better.

"Good midnight." I answered, hearing her chuckle slightly, before I leaned over to kiss her.

What was meant to be just a short kiss to wish her a good morning or midnight turned into a tender and slow kiss, in which we both got lost in, forgetting for a moment that I had to get up. And in that moment I knew that I never wanted to be anywhere else. I just wanted to keep that moment with me forever. Waking up together, while kissing her and holding her in my arms.

We pulled away after a moment, looking at each other, smiling, before I leaned in once again.

"Andrew!" She chuckled, trying to scold me that I needed to go, not able to stay serious.

And then I slowly closed the distance again, letting her roll over to lay on her back, carefully leaning over her to feel her lips against mine again.

And eventually we fell asleep again with her in my arms.

And maybe an hour later I got up (and walked into Zola downstairs), but this night was one of my most favorite moments with Meredith.

I would give everything to have her next to me, holding her in my arms just one more time.

.

How could I be with someone else than her? What did I do?

...

"'You can't cling to what was. You have to look to what might be.' | I'm trying..." - 30. August 2022

...

1 Month later

Emma and I were still together, because... I was trying...

After that night we had taken it a bit slower; Emma had probably noticed that it had messed with my thoughts and feelings.

I wasn't sure why she was still here with me; but somehow I was glad she was still here.

I didn't understand myself.

.

I was currently lying next to Emma. We had spent the evening at her apartment and somehow, we ended up curled up with each other on her couch.

"We should move to the bedroom." I heard her voice next to me. I almost thought she was already asleep. Or maybe my thoughts have traveled too far for me to really notice if she was still awake.

"Or we could just stay here." I murmured, trying to focus on the present again, placing a small kiss on her temple.

I felt her slowly turn around, so she could look at me, already a smile on her face.

"You're only saying this because you're too lazy to get up now." She called me out with a big smile.

"I'm not. Your couch is just too comfortable right now." She was right. But I couldn't let that slide, without even trying to defend myself.

"It's not." She chuckled slightly.

"Okay, it really isn't."

Eventually we got up and moved towards the bedroom. We laid down next to each other, already half asleep.

After a moment I was almost sure she was sleeping again. I turned around a few times trying to find a comfortable position to get some sleep as well. And just as I thought I was about to fall into my thoughts or dreams, I felt her move behind me, before she pressed a small kiss in my hair.

And before I could react in any way I heard her whisper...

"I love you, Andrew." She paused for a moment "And someday I'll tell you."

I held my breath. I tried not to move. I tried to not give her any indication that I was still awake. I wasn't supposed to hear it. But I did. And I didn't know how to handle it.

Love?!

How could I possibly ever love her? I had wanted to have hope. I had wanted to try. That's why I was still with her. I liked her. But hearing those words I could never imagine saying them again. To say them to someone who isn't Meredith.

And I couldn't get attached like that to someone again! It scared me.

But how could I be scared of something I wasn't sure could happen?

I was confused.

...

"'You can't cling to what was. You have to look to what might be.'| I'm not sure I can... Is it really possible to move on? To love again?" - 20. September 2022

[Don't give up]

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End of chapter 5

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Andrew is going through a lot of feelings...

I don't know how it is to read this story for the first time... But for me... I feel like I went through all the emotions that Andrew went (and will go) through, while writing this... For example writing about Emma was so difficult, but I like the idea of him getting happy again... And I think in the last two chapters he feels something similar... He kind of wants to look forward and wants to believe that he can do it and at the same time it's so difficult for him...

I don't want to say too much, but there are at least 10 more chapters, and there will be more merluca! Andrew definitely didn't 'forget' Meredith (and he never will) and he still has a lot to figure out I think...