Almost 2 years (1 MONTH LATER)
...
"I try really hard not to be mad at you. Because I love you. Because you deserve better than that. But your death left me with so many questions that I don't know what to believe anymore." – 01. December 2022
...
The past few weeks I tried really hard to not let my doubts affect my relationship with Emma, but I wasn't sure how much longer I could do this.
And it already started to affect our relationship. I didn't try to work on cases with her anymore, instead I tried to be on cases with other attendings to get a bit more space between us. I wasn't sure if she noticed it, but if she did, she was good in hiding it.
"I think it's cute actually." Dr. Altmann brought me back out of my thoughts. Today I worked on a case with her. We came just out of our patient's room; A woman who couldn't stop talking about her plans for Valentine's day.
"Yeah. She's really dedicated." I added laughing a bit, before I went back to the medical side of our case, and added "Okay, so we will observe her vitals, but if they stay like this, she will be okay."
"Yes."
.
We were approaching the nurses' station, where Emma and Amelia were standing.
"Why were you talking about Valentine's day?" Amelia asked as she arrived at the nurses' station.
"We had a patient; she was telling us about her Valentine's plans." Dr. Altmann answered her.
"Isn't it a bit early for that?" Amelia asked with a questioning smile.
"It is." I answered shortly, maybe a bit too harsh. But I preferred that topic to end now. It was good to see how excited our patient was for that day. But for me.... Valentine's day was so much more than just that day.
"Not a big fan of Valentine's day DeLuca?" Link asked approaching Amelia and the rest of us at the nurses' station. Where did all these people come from?
"I always liked the day. It's just too early to talk about it." I tried to cover, and they seemed to believe me. I wasn't lying per se. But that day had gotten a different meaning with Meredith and it wasn't the same without her anymore.
"What about you?" Dr. Altmann asked, looking at Emma. Apparently everyone wanted to share their thoughts about this.
"I think it's beautiful to spend the day with the person you love. But it is kinda early." She added with a small smile, looking at me.
And I didn't know how to feel about her answer.
...
Would Emma want to spend Valentine's day with me?
I was on my way to my next patient, deep in my thoughts. I had been so close to breaking up with Emma after I heard her say those three words a few weeks ago; but I stopped myself from doing it. I decided to not make decisions out of the emotions I felt in a specific moment anymore. And so, I gave myself some time to think... But the more I thought about my relationship to Emma, the more insecure I got. And the more I thought about it, the more doubts I got about my relationship with Meredith. And I hated the feeling.
I wanted to believe that it was possible to fall in love again. I wanted Meredith's love for me to be true love. And so, I didn't want to give up on whatever I felt for Emma just yet. But maybe it wasn't fair to cling onto that just to prove a love that she wasn't even part of...
I went inside my patient's room to go over the last details of my surgery before I made my way to the attending's lounge. And as I rounded the last corner, I bumped into someone.
"You should look where you are going." I heard Amelia, while I was quickly looking up at her.
"I'm sorry, I have been somewhere else with my thoughts."
"I noticed..." And instead of continuing with whatever she was doing, she kept looking at me with a sympathetic smile.
"Is it that obvious?" I asked her after a moment
"At least to everyone who knows you and saw you talking about Valentine's day earlier..." She tilted her head slightly, trying to bring me to talk.
I sighed, before I answered. "It's not a good time right now."
"You do know that Meredith would want you to move on, right?"
"I know... That's what she tried, too... after...." I tried to form my thoughts into a sentence when Amelia interrupted me.
"She didn't try, Andrew. She moved on with you."
I didn't know what to say, so I kept staring at her, letting the words slowly sink in.
"All I'm saying is, that Meredith would want you to be happy again. If you aren't ready, that's okay. But at some point, allow yourself to feel again." She paused for a moment "It took her so much courage to open up to you, and I can't speak for her, but I can assure you one thing. I hadn't seen her that happy in a long time. You made her happy, Andrew. And that's what she would want for you."
"Thank you, Amelia."
...
I was on my way to my car in the parking lot, still thinking about the conversations I had had today. I couldn't decide what to do with Amelia's words. They should have given me more clarity, but somehow, I felt more confused. I knew that Meredith would want me to be happy. I knew that Meredith and I had moments where we were happy. But somehow, I couldn't let go of my doubts, my fears and the guilt I felt... And the things I felt confused me, because they were as contradicting as they could be.
On one side I wasn't even sure if Meredith loved me and on the other side, I felt guilty for liking someone else... And how could I be scared of a relationship with Emma when I was sure that I could never feel the same for her? And why did I feel guilty when I knew that I couldn't feel the same for her?
But I knew one thing, spending Valentine's day with someone else than Meredith felt wrong.
.
"Hey, Andrew, wait." I heard Emma behind me, just before I arrived at my car.
"I'm just really tired today." I tried to tell her that it wasn't a good time right now.
"I noticed that you weren't comfortable earlier. If this is about Valentine's day... We don't need to-"
"I can't, I'm sorry." I really was "I think it's better if we end this." And with that I left her there in the parking lot. So much to not make decision out of emotions... But maybe this was coming a long time...
...
When I arrived at my apartment later, I saw that I had received a new message.
"Are you okay?" – Emma
And I didn't know what to make of my feelings while reading it.
...
"Love is such a big word once you know what it feels like. Maybe you loved me... But no matter what you felt for me, I know that it was love what I felt for you." – 01. December 2022
[Don't get as dark and twisty as I was, Andrew. You made me fall in love again. And I hope you find that, too.]
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End of chapter 7
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I wish you stayed | Andrew (Merluca)
Hayran Kurgu[AU based on Season 17] Andrew tries to figure out his feelings after Meredith died. How is he supposed to grieve and how can he maybe move on at some point? I don't own any of the characters!
