The planets bend between us

Chapter 17

"I get them too," JJ told her quietly. "It's not just the UnSubs. I dream about my sister."

Emily furrowed her eyebrows, her head aching at the confusion. The blonde never referenced a sister before. She let JJ continue if she wanted to.

"You remind me of her sometimes. You have the same look in your eyes. Like you're hiding your pain because you don't want people to know you aren't stone. Because you don't want to burden people. You nor your problems are a burden to me, Emily."

"I have ghosts," Emily admitted, not knowing what she was saying until the words fell out of her mouth. "And sometimes they haunt me. And they don't go away."

"You compartmentalize better than others. That's what you told me. When I realized that you don't flinch. And you do compartmentalize better than others. Because you've seen so much worse haven't you?"

Emily breathed out, "Yes."

JJ held her tighter. "I can't lose you like I lost my sister. Promise me you won't leave me."

Emily melted at her confession. She knew that was nothing she could promise. But for some reason, she promised her anyway. She's never felt more cared for in anyone's arms. Like she was special. Like she was the only one. She also felt something else in her embrace. She just couldn't tell what it exactly was.

The ambassador's daughter opened the door to the apartment that she and Remi shared to hear the sound of crying and screaming. She could recognize it anywhere. Maia. She walked into the living area to find Remi trying to soothe the crying baby. The fact that Remi didn't look at the profiler when she walked in was a sign of the anger that she felt for the agent.

"Sshhh... It's okay, Maia. It's okay. Emily is here now." She still wouldn't look at her girlfriend. She didn't even notice Emily's slight limp from her bruised ribs as she walked to the couch where the professor and baby were sitting. She had finally gotten the baby to settle down.

"I couldn't reply," Emily whispered, ashamed of herself as she stood next to them, her hair covering a lot of her face. "I was undercover the whole time. I didn't even have my phone on me. And the team were busy. They couldn't reply."

Remi snorted as if she didn't believe her statement. "If I was Haley or Will no one would have even hesitated to inform me about you. They don't think we're serious."

"Haley and Hotch divorced and Will left JJ-"

"I know that! You've been reminding me that a lot recently. I know that Will left JJ. I know that she's pregnant and alone. You tell me that every time you see her after work. You don't have to remind me. Believe me, I won't forget."

Emily realized that she wasn't just mad about not responding to her messages. "I'm sorry, Rem. I can't just abandon her. She has nobody."

"I know. It's just that you're never here. And when you aren't on a case, you spend half of your time with her. I know that you're mates and that you are trying to be there for her. I get that. It's just hard. Because all I want to do is spend time with you. But I never feel like I have-" She stopped talking when she finally looked up at Emily. For the first time, she saw the discoloration, bruising, and cuts scattered across the profiler's face. "Em? You said you were okay..."

"I am okay!" Emily reiterated suddenly, her voice becoming stronger. Once she saw the complete disbelief and worry in Remi's face, she added, "I've been through worse-"

"Worse?!" Remi exclaimed as she got up from the couch. She rushed to Maia's bedroom and placed the baby in her crib. She closed the door and crossed her arms when she looked at Emily. "How much worse?"

Emily didn't understand what she was asking. "What?"

"How much worse have you gotten in your line of work? Show me. Come here and show me," Remi commanded, tears bubbling up in her eyes.

The agent gaped at the professor. "I- I'm not going to do that! That's idiotic." She didn't know what to do. Remi had never been this angry.

"Have you broken a bone? Gotten a concussion? Have you been shot? Stabbed? Assaulted? God, Em. Worse than that? Rape...?" Her eyes dazzled back and forth, trying to find an answer in Emily's eyes.

The profiler didn't know how to answer. "I don't... Remi, I'm not sure."

"How are you not sure?" Remi asked her, tears streaming down her face. "Are the injuries too many to count? Have you been shot so many times you don't remember the number? And don't give me some half-ass answer like 'it's classified' or that bullshit. I'm your girlfriend. Right? Aren't we in a relationship?"

Emily didn't know what she was getting to. She felt sick seeing Remi in pain that she caused. This was the last thing she wanted to do. In fact, this was the reason she avoided close relationships. "Of course we are. It's just complicated."

Remi groaned and facepalmed. "I know it is! I know you're whole past is this complicated mess that you can't talk to me about. I get that. You've made that plenty clear. But you can't even tell me something like this? It's so hard, Emily. Because, most days, I see you and we can talk about anything. Shows, politics, philosophy, psychology, anything. We take care of Maia and we sleep together and everything is good. Happy. And I see myself spending my life with you. But then we get into our pasts and you suddenly can't talk. And it hurts because I've fallen in love with you. And I'm afraid it's one-sided."

Emily stared at her. They never said the 'love' word before. She walked up to Remi and wrapped her aching arms around her. "It's not one-sided," Emily promised her. "I'll try harder. I'll be better."

Remi sobbed into her shoulder. "Thank you. I'm so sorry you had to go through that, darling. I'm sorry I got so mad. I'm sorry someone hurt you. What do you need?"

"Can you hold me?" Emily asked her girlfriend quietly.

Without replying, they walked to the bedroom. Remi wrapped her whole body around the profiler. She gave everything to her.

It was different than it was with JJ. The liaison made her feel special. The professor made her feel secure. Safe. She just didn't know which one made her feel more comfortable.