The planets bend between us

Chapter 44

The next flight to Atlanta was in a few hours so Emily spent the next few hours reading 1984 for the millionth time. Her flight was shorter than the amount of time she wasted at the airport. So when she actually arrived in the city, the team had already gone to a hotel for a night's rest. Morgan told her that she had to share a room with JJ due to not being enough rooms. Though, Emily doubted that. She guessed that Penelope had something to do with the situation.

She knocked lightly on the hotel door just in case that JJ was still asleep. But apparently, she wasn't. Only after one knock, the door opened and the blonde pulled her into the room and in her arms.

"Oh, Em, how are you doing?" JJ asked as she held her tightly, trying to be a source of comfort for the woman.

"I'm fine," Emily told her as she let go of the liaison's arms. When she noticed that JJ looked at her with disbelief, she added, "I'm serious, Jen. I'm okay. We ended things amicably. She's happy leaving and I'm happy staying. Everything is how it should be." Emily walked into the room and placed her stuff next to the one twin size bed.

Even though JJ still wasn't sure if she should believe her friend, she said, "Well, we were all worried about you. Hotch would have given you the case off if you had wanted it. He knows what it is like to end a serious relationship. Hell, we all know what it's like. It's just part of the job, unfortunately."

Emily nodded as she sat on the corner of the bed, awkwardly. "The job really wasn't the reason why we ended, though. We just... couldn't make it work, no matter how much we wanted to."

JJ nodded and sat down next to her, a good foot in between them, and replied, "Did you... er... tell her about Rome?"

The profiler shook her head. "No. I didn't- She didn't need to know about that. I don't know, it wasn't necessary. There wasn't a good time to tell her in between the whole 'breaking up' thing. And I didn't want her to feel bad about what happened with Maia. It was already too much to handle."

"I'm sorry that you had to hold that in for so long. I wish... I wish you could have told me earlier. I feel that way with you about my sister. I wish I talked about her earlier with you. She's an important part of me that not many people get to know about."

Emily looked into the blue eyes and whispered, "I don't let people in. That's why it ended. Our relationship that is. I just... I don't get to know people long enough for them to care enough to know things about me. I'm not used to having..."

"People care about you?" JJ finished for her. Once she saw the brunette's slow nod. "Oh, Em. I understand that. I never let anyone in after my sister died. She was my best friend. When she died, I felt like a part of me died."

Emily understood what she had meant by that. "When my dad died, my mother didn't let me mourn. She told me to hold it in. She told me to let it go. That's when I learned how to put my feelings and memories into boxes. Every single traumatic moment lives in a little box inside of my head. The walls are tall and it's hard for me to remove them. And then sometimes... they come out without me meaning them to. That's... that's when I used to take the sleeping pills. They'd help me forget and numb everything."

"Did your friend's murder bring back old memories?" JJ asked with curiosity.

Emily nodded and bit her lip, trying to hold in the intense feelings she had had since Matthew had been murdered. "I don't want them, though. I've been able to put them back into boxes, and Remi being there for me helped, but they are pulling me towards an edge. I mean I'm happy, I am. I know I made the right decision about Remi. But I can't keep holding everything in there." The profiler tried to hide her face from the blonde by laying down onto the bed.

JJ wanted her to know that she was there for her and she laid down next to her. "Have you ever thought that maybe you don't have to compartmentalize all the time now and that's why the memories are coming back? Maybe deep down, you know that you don't have to hold it in."

The brunette considered the blonde's point. "But compartmentalizing is what makes me so good at my job."

JJ shook her and cupped Emily's face. "Oh, Em, no. You being able to compartmentalize has only been for your benefit. But that doesn't make you good at your job. What makes you good at your job is how you to want to save people and the unwavering and unselfish kindness that you have for people. Em, you being able to put things in boxes helps you sleep at night, but it doesn't save all the people that you have saved with your bravery and courage. Not compartmentalizing, feeling, that's what makes you human. That's what makes you want to be alive."

Emily's lips quivered as her eyes watered at the brink of tears. "I don't know how to not live in my own head. I don't know what it's like to be myself."

JJ's heart broke for the woman in front of her. "Em, I think you are going to like who you are on the inside. I know that I do."

"But you d-don't know me. My past. What I have done."

"I don't need to, Emmy. I know who you are. Your past isn't who you are." JJ whispered closely to the woman.

At JJ's use of the nickname that her father had once used for her, she started to sob. She knew that JJ didn't know that "Emmy" was the name her father called her. Emily let the blonde wrap her arms around her. She let herself truly be comforted. She let herself be the real Emily. For the first time since she was a kid, for the first time since she had learned how to compartmentalize, she was truly herself.