The planets bend between us

Chapter 39

Remi walked into her apartment many hours later. She brought home some Thai food, hoping that Emily would feel better enough to eat. She found Emily and JJ in the living room, Emily looking much less sick. She didn't know what she was hoping for. Part of her wished that JJ wouldn't have been able to get through to her either.

"Hey, guys," Remi said as she put the food on the table. "I brought home food. JJ, you're happy to stay, there's enough food-"

"I think I should get going. I miss Henry," JJ replied as she turned to Emily. "You good?"

Emily nodded and gave her a short smile. They had spent hours sleeping and talking. JJ was able to convince her that she should just tell Remi the truth about how she felt.

"See you tomorrow, JJ. Thank you for everything."

JJ smiled gently before leaving the apartment.

Emily turned to Remi and tried to give her a reassuring smile. She knew that she really worried her girlfriend this morning.

"What'd she say?" Remi asked as she sat down on the chair. She started taking out the food from the take-out bag, avoiding looking at her girlfriend.

The profiler didn't understand her question. She got up and walked over to the table. "What do you mean?"

Remi sighed, tired of feeling like she was going around in circles with her girlfriend. "I mean, what did JJ say differently than me that got you out of bed?"

Emily could tell that Remi was upset with her. She didn't know how to make things right. She just felt like she owed the professor the truth. "She didn't say anything. I... uh... took too many sleeping pills. My body needed to recover."

Remi dropped her chopsticks that she was holding and looked up to find Emily looking ashamed and guilt-ridden. She didn't know what to say to the woman. She definitely hadn't expected that. "I- did you try to take that many?"

"Yes," Emily breathed out. She looked down at the food. It made her nauseous, but it gave her something to do. "It was the first time I've done it in years."

"Did you do it so that you could sleep for a long time?" Remi asked her, not understanding what she meant.

"Kind of. I wanted to sleep. But I also didn't want to feel. But don't worry, okay? I won't do it again."

Tears started falling down Remi's cheeks. She finally found out that Emily was hurting and she didn't know what hurt her and why. "Why didn't you tell me something was wrong? What didn't you want to feel?"

Emily bit her lip. She didn't want to burden Remi with her feelings and emotions. "I don't want to let go of Maia."

Remi frowned. "Em... I told you at the beginning that she was going to be adopted. I- I'm so sorry, darling. I love Maia, too, but we have to let her go. We did our job."

"I know," Emily replied, tears forming in her eyes. "I guess, I just thought that we could have her. That we could be a family."

"Oh," Remi muttered, feeling like she had done something wrong. "I wanted us to be a family, too, Em. But Maia shouldn't have been the only thing that was holding us together. We've been having problems for a while now."

Emily nodded sadly, knowing that her girlfriend was right. "That's my fault. I've been keeping you at a distance the second we got together. It's not your fault. It's all mine."

The professor shook her head. "It's not all your fault, Em. Not only did you keep yourself at a distance, I let you do it. I'd either let it go or I'd push you too far. You never felt at ease with me. And I'd try to deny what was happening. You have walls, darling. I know that. And I should be patient. But it's-"

"Hard," Emily finished for her. "I'm so sorry about that."

Remi gave her a short smile as the tears fell down. "I know, darling. I know. But it wasn't just that, was it?"

"JJ," Emily stated, knowing how the professor felt about the blonde.

Remi sighed. "No. Yes. No. I know that you'd never cheat on me. I know that you never meant to have feelings for her. I never worried that you'd leave me for her. I was always afraid that I was pushing her to you. Or, even worse, I kept you from her."

Emily shook her head rapidly. "I love you, Remi. Not JJ. She's straight. She's my best friend. She means a lot to me."

"I know that. Which is the reason why JJ isn't the main cause of our problems. Our problems stem from the fact that we're in two different places."

"We both want a family," Emily argued. "We have solid jobs. We love each other. We want the same things."

Remi shook her head and took a deep breath. She was finally going to come clean. "I got a job offer about a month ago. After my semester ends, I was invited to teach at the University of Delhi. I was going to invite you, Em. And I know you'd say yes. Not for yourself, but for me. But you wouldn't want to go. Your life is here. Your family is here. I wouldn't take that away from you."

Emily wanted to argue with her. She wanted to tell her that she'd go anywhere with her. But deep down, she knew that wasn't the case. "You really want to go?"

"I don't want to leave you. But I don't spend too long in each place I stay. I become anxious and bored. It's not you, Em. I just have to leave." She got up from her seat and she walked to the other side where Emily sat, crying. She cupped her hands around Emily's cheeks. "I don't want to hurt you, Em. I know you're in a dark place right now. So I wasn't going to say anything, but I need to be honest with you. I love you."

The profile let out a soft whimper. "I love you so much."

"I know. But sometimes it's not enough. This doesn't have to be a bad thing. We loved each other, Em. That's the most we can do. Just because we're ending, doesn't mean we can't be happy. It's just a new beginning. And we can stay in touch, right?"

Emily nodded and wrapped her arms around the professor. "I'm so glad I talked to you in that bar that night."

"Me, too."