The planets bend between us

Chapter 32

"I told you not to mention me," Emily muttered as she was approached by her team after they spoke to Matthew's parents.

JJ looked at Emily carefully, trying to understand what was going on in her head. "You didn't say it would get us kicked out."

Hotch frowned with seriousness. "Is there something we should know?"

Emily was torn about how much to reveal to her team. She felt vulnerable enough. "Matthew and I met in Rome when I was fifteen. My mom was posted there. His parents didn't like us hanging out."

JJ didn't know what that meant. She was annoyed by how vague the brunette was being. "And they still hold a grudge?"

"They were extremely religious," Emily tried to explain without saying too much. "They thought I was a bad influence."

JJ could hardly believe what Emily said. "You?"

"Yeah," Emily stated firmly.

Hotch felt like she wasn't being entirely truthful. "And that's it?"

"That's it," Emily replied as she squeezed her way in between the two agents. She needed to get away from them. She felt... too much.

She walked outside of the building. She pulled out her box of cigarettes that she had taken out from her desk earlier that day. She hadn't smoked in years. But now seemed like a better time than any to start the habit again. She lit the cigarette and felt a wave of relief.

But she also felt an uncontrollable wave of memories.

"Emily, try one. It's fine," John promised her as they leaned on the wall in a dirty alley. "Come on, scaredy cat. It'll be fun."

The teen girl rolled her eyes and snorted. "That's what you said about the X."

John groaned and facepalmed. "How the fuck was I supposed to know that I got bad X? The guy seemed legit."

"The guy was sketchy as hell, Johnny," Emily told him, grinning wildly. She turned to the other boy, who was kicking rocks. "Mattie, tell him that the guy was sketchy and that John should have known."

Matthew looked up, and Emily for the first time realized that his eyes were red and sunken. "It's just a cigarette, Em."

Emily stared at him, knowing something was wrong. He always chose to do the right thing. He was always the good one.

"See! See, Em! Even Matt knows not to be a buzzkill. The X was a mistake, but remember the coke? That was a good deal."

"Oh, just shut up already," Emily muttered as she took a cigarette from her friend. As she lit the sucker, she watched her friend look down at the ground, looking depressed. Emily wanted to ask what was wrong, but she knew that John would just make fun of them.

Her memory stopped re-playing when she felt a hand on her back. She turned to find a confused blonde.

"Are you okay?"

Emily thought about nodding and returning to the case, but her head shook instead. She didn't know why she told her no. She also didn't know why she started following JJ on a walk that seemed pointless.

"Matthew was an old friend," JJ said, trying to understand the full picture. "You haven't talked to him in years. And yet..."

"And yet it seems like I'm unraveling," Emily finished for her. "It makes sense. Because of me, his life unraveled. It's only fair."

JJ tried to search the dark eyes but found nothing there. That scared her even more. "You haven't been in his life for years, Em. How could you have unraveled his life?"

Emily sighed, not wanting to share. "Because of me, he got screwed up. I caused his suffering. I helped him lose his faith. And then I left. I didn't even help him."

"Some people become lost, Em. You know that."

"I was the lost one. I came to him lost and afraid and empty. He saved me. Without him, I wouldn't be here. But I also ruined his life in the process."

JJ didn't understand what she was talking about. Nothing connected. "Em, what aren't you telling me?"

Emily started talking, and she didn't know why. "I didn't have friends as a kid. I moved around so often I didn't have time to make friends. But then I became a teenager. I became a loner and everyone noticed. I just— I wanted someone to talk to. I wanted to be accepted. And sometimes... I'd do anything to be accepted."

It took a second for JJ to understand what she meant. They stopped walking. Emily couldn't look at her. JJ's face fell. She gently cupped Emily's face and moved it so that she would look at the blonde. She nodded warmly, trying to encourage Emily to continue.

The brunette cleared her throat. "I couldn't tell my mom that I was pregnant. Matthew suggested we talk to the priest. He said that if I had an abortion, I wasn't welcome in his congregation."

"So what did you do?"

Emily's lips quivered. "Matthew found a doctor. He took me there. He stayed with me. That Sunday when we got back to Rome, he held my hand and walked me into the church. Father Gamino actually stopped his sermon, but Matthew told me to hold my head up, and we walked to the front pew. He and Matthew just stared at each other. It was like a battle of the wills. And then... Father Gamino went back to his sermon. Matthew saved my life. He made me feel like I was worthy of love and friendship."

JJ nodded and removed her hands. "And that's when the questioning started."

"Yeah, and when the drugs we were doing melded with his religious questioning, you could understand why his parents were afraid he was possessed by something evil."

JJ wrapped her arms around the brunette and held her.

"He wasn't even the father," Emily whispered. "He wasn't the father and he still loved me. Maybe... I think maybe if he was..."

"Don't," JJ commanded sadly. "Don't start thinking about what if's. That's not going to help you or him. What will help is if we solve this case."

"You're right. Let's solve this case."