Land of the Lost

Chapter 2

TW// self harm

Gerard makes it to the library after work, like he has been doing all week. He doesn't know what it is. The quiet, everyone minding their own business working on something late at night. It almost feels like a secret club he somehow was let into. Except no one talks to each other.

He walks to his usual table, and notices the guy with glasses who's always there, reading something, usually an encyclopedia. He seems to live in his own little world, unaware of everything around him. And Gerard can't help feeling a little jealous.

He takes out his sketchbook to work on his new project. He feels like he's moving on autopilot, not sure what he's doing, but that's usually what he does when he's not in depressed. He just exists.

He lays out his sketchbook in front of him, not sure what to draw next. The assignment for next week is to tell a story in just one panel. But his mind is blank.

He looks around, trying to find a story to tell. He looks out the window but just sees an empty parking lot. Half the students are home for the weekend and the rest are somewhere getting drunk.

Yet the nerd with the glasses and Gerard are in the library at midnight, just them.

Neither of them is obviously the kind to party, and it makes sense they're there.

Gerard looks at him just one more time, and sees he's fallen asleep on top of his notes.

He's probably one of those students with at least two majors and taking all the classes, and maybe has a job, so he must be exhausted.

Without any more hesitation, he starts sketching quick lines. Books everywhere, and in the middle of an empty library, a boy falls asleep while writing an essay.

Gerard is surprised at his final product. He'll add the color the next day, but he likes it, and it's been forever since the last thing he liked.

By then, the boy is up, and putting away the books he used, and makes his way to the door. That's Gerard's cue to also get out of there.

***

The drive back home is barely twenty minutes long, but Frank is having trouble to stay awake. He stops for coffee on his way there, knowing his mom will give him shit for it, but he needs it.

It's almost noon, and his mom is probably at work, so he has the house for himself. And his dog. The only reason he still goes home every weekend. 'Ghoul!' he calls, until a tiny brown Chihuahua comes to meet him. Frank carries him to the kitchen and starts looking for something to eat. 'Who is the coolest guy, huh?' The dog growls as if he knows what Frank is saying, and Frank scratches the back of his head. He then makes himself a peanut butter sandwich and turns on the TV, before taking Ghoul outside.

Ghoul is his best friend in the world, and the one who keeps him sane. His mom got him during his senior year to keep him company. And he's grateful for him.

When his mom comes home, he finds him napping on the couch. 'At what time you got here?' she asks.

'Noon.'

'You've eaten something?'

'A peanut butter sandwich.'

'I'll make something for you.' Frank hates to ask, but he loves his mom's food, so he gets excited. It's his favorite thing about coming home. Real food and Ghoul.

During lunch, Linda tells him he shouldn't be overworking himself, and he should rest more. 'Mom, we've talked about this –'

'At what time you went to bed last night?'

'One or two?'

'What were you doing, Frankie? Were you at a party?'

'Mom, seriously?' He gives her a look, and she tries to hide her smile. 'Why would I be at a party?'

'I don't know, someone can invite you.'

'Why would they?'

Linda shrugs. 'You need friends.'

'Nah. I'm fine. They'll just use me or make fun of me. I'm fine.'

'Frankie.'

'I'm serious, mom. I'm okay on my own. And I have you.' He knows his mom just wants him to be happy, and he wants that too, but he knows no one wants to be friends with the fat nerdy kid, let alone anything else. He's more than aware. And it hurts, but he's made his peace with the idea.

So he sits with his mom and they watch sappy movies, and plays with the dog, and sleeps as much as possible, and even goes to mass with her in the morning. He has lunch with his dad, and then goes back to the campus just in time for bed.

On Monday, he has an ethics exam, and he's obviously the first one to finish. His other lectures are just as boring, except for Psychology.

And when he gets to the library later, the guy in the hoodie is there.

Frank is okay with this level of socializing for now.

***

Gerard sits in the library, looking at the empty page in his sketchbook.

He knew it was a matter of time.

He was just ignoring the voices in his head telling him he should quit. Now he's having an anxiety attack and nobody notices.

He looks up at the clock. Eleven fifteen at night.

He's short of breath and he feels his heart going faster and faster, and his vision is blurry. He shakes his head, trying to ignore the feeling, but it won't go away. So he gets up and runs to the door before it gets any worse. The last thing he needs is to have a breakdown in front of everyone.

He runs back to his room, holding in the tears, and barely makes it without crying. Ray is sleeping, so he locks himself down in the bathroom.

One.

Two.

Three.

He takes deep breaths.

But it doesn't work.

He knows it.

He's sobbing in the floor, and his head won't shut up. He knows there's only one way to stop the pain. Why is he even trying to ignore it if there's no point.

He cries until he can't breathe anymore and he pukes from it.

Looking for the tin of Altoids where he hides his razor blades, he finds Ray's sleeping pills in the cabinet. Maybe he'll take one or two. Or the whole bottle.

By the tenth, he's shaking, shivering. I'm sorry, he whispers to himself as if he's talking to his family. To Ray for stealing his medicine. I'm sorry, he whispers looking down at the sink and looking at his blood.

Then it all fades out, and Gerard just hopes he gets some peace.