Land of the Lost

Chapter 11

Gerard got admitted to the psychiatric hospital.

That's all his roommate told Frank. 'It's not my place to tell you why. You'll have to talk to him,' he says.

'I know.' He does. And he wishes Gerard would have the guts to talk to him about it and that he didn't have to find out after he gets admitted. Frank's pissed off, but more than anything, he's hurt.

Because Gerard never trusted him enough to tell him how he was feeling. He knows about the panic attacks, and him feeling like he couldn't do art anymore, but he didn't know it was that bad. Now Frank feels like the worst boyfriend.

'He cares a lot about you, you know?' Ray says, getting his attention. 'He used to be in a really bad place not so long ago. You kind of turned his life around.'

Frank doesn't know how to react to that.

'I had never seen him smiling this much. And I know it's because of you.'

'But I don't –' That's a lot to take for Frank. Especially when Gerard still got admitted. Especially when he never told Frank, and Frank thought he'd left him. It really hurt. 'I'm gonna need some time.'

'That's okay, man. But, please know I'm here. I know we don't really know each other, but –'

'Thank you,' Frank says, and leaves. He doesn't even make it back to his dorm before he breaks down, sobbing in the middle of the parking lot, and Gerard's not there to make him feel better.

***

'How are you feeling today?' Dr. Suarez asks.

Gerard has puffy eyes from crying all night. He wants to yell at her and tell her to fuck off. But he knows that'll only give them another reason to keep him longer in here. 'Not good,' is all he says, not making eye contact.

'Can you tell me why is that?'

Gerard isn't in the mood to tell her the real reason he feels like shit. He really isn't. But at the same time, there are so many things he's bottled up and hasn't told anyone, and he feels as if he's going to explode. 'I ruined things. Again,' he says.

'What do you mean by that?'

'I hurt someone I really care about.' He pauses. 'My boyfriend. I know it's for the best. He's better off without me. But I know I hurt him.'

'Why do you think he'll be better off without you?'

'Because he deserves better. And I only cause pain to everyone around me. It's better to end it before we get more serious.'

He's trying hard not to cry, and there's a long silence while the therapist gives him a moment. 'Did he tell you, that you hurt him?' she asks.

'He was sobbing and then hung up.'

She nods. 'Then, maybe he wouldn't be better without you there. Have you considered that?'

But how can someone want Gerard around? Frank deserves better. As much as he misses him, he knows being with him is sentencing to a life of pain. What if he actually kills himself one day? He doesn't want Frank to suffer because of him.

Dr. Suarez continues. 'I think you need to talk to him, and let him decide if he wants you in your life.' Gerard nods. He knows that's the right thing, but he also knows how this is going to end, and he's just trying to protect Frank. 'You deserve love, Gerard. Don't punish yourself for something that's not your fault.'

Gerard nods. She asks him about the side effects of his meds, and then tells him they'll change them to see what works, and he might have to stay a couple more days just to see if they work. But all he can think about is Frank, and the fact he broke his heart.