Hell Above

9

That wasn’t the only time Cindy had done something like that. It’s something she loved doing to people. Sola stopped going to the principal’s office trying to report her. Cindy never got in trouble. She was to ‘sweet’ and ‘innocent’ to do anything that she was accused of. So for all her crimes she went unpunished.

Sola looked down again. The train tracks were almost over run by weeds. The whole area itself was surrounded by trees. Sola had explored down there many times. She knew that to the left of the train tracks, the side farther from her house, behind the trees there was a small river that flowed into a creek. Sola liked to go down there sometimes and put her feet in the water. She’d sit on one of the big rocks near the creek and just listen to the flowing water. It relaxed her.

If she listened close enough she could even now hear the water flowing. She wiped off some of the tears on her face and sat down on the ledge. She straddled the ledge of the bridge and leaned her back up against the street light. She closed her eyes and just focused on the sound of the water flowing.

She took a deep breath and calmed down. She blocked out all other sounds around her. All she could hear was the water. She remembered going down there a lot and just sitting on a rock and listening to her music. Or she would just lay there and think. She loved it there. No one ever went back there so no one could ever find her. Not that anyone was looking.

Since Sola never had a boyfriend people used to think she was lesbian. She wasn’t but they would make fun of her like she was. People at her school hated gays and tormented anyone they thought was gay. Sola wouldn’t have minded if they had thought she was lesbian. But they started taunting her even more than usual. They’d shove her in the halls and call her names. They’d tell her that her way of life wasn’t natural.

She tried telling them that she wasn’t, but then they would ask for proof. How could she prove something like that? She didn’t have a boyfriend. It’s not like she didn’t want one it’s just no one wanted her. Everyone hated her and made fun of anything they could find on her. If she had the self-confidence she would walk up to a random guy and press her lips on his and say ‘is that enough proof?!’ but she was too scared of what the guy might think.

She wanted self-confidence. But her scars made that almost impossible for her. She looked down at her arms. First scanning over all the bruises and burns then she flipped them over to reveal her wrists. There were little X’s all up and down her arms and wrist. There were even some on her upper thigh. Some said things like ugly, stupid, hated etc. She loved her scars but she also hated them. They were part of her but a part she wished she could forget.

She didn’t want to be a cutter but it had become addicting. It was her distraction from her home life. While she watched the blood drip out of her she didn’t seem to think of her home or school life. She could only think about the blood. She couldn’t control the pain on the inside so she had to control some part of it on the outside. If she couldn’t control the burns and bruises she would control whatever else she could.

What made it addicting is when the scars become less and less fresh. She couldn’t feel the pain and soreness from the initial cut so she has to do it again. Maybe a little deeper this time to make it last longer. When the pain inside became worse and worse she made the pain outside worse and worse. She cut deeper and deeper. So much blood dripping from her wrists and thighs. It would drip onto the bathroom floor. Sometimes she lost so much blood she got dizzy and had to lie down after. It was dangerous but it was also addicting.

She played with her life. She’d cut so deep into her wrist sometimes she could’ve bled out. She would go walking on a bridge ledge. Sometimes she would even lie down in the middle of a road. She didn’t care that she was putting herself in danger. She wanted to die. She wanted her pain and misery to end. It would make everyone happy. She wouldn’t have to be everyone’s punching bag anymore, her parents would have one less mouth to feed, and Cindy and all her little friends would finally have what they’ve been wanting.

Cindy has told Sola multiple times that she should kill herself. Sometimes she’d say ‘finish the job’ or maybe ‘go jump off of a bridge.’ Well there she was, on the ledge of a bridge. Maybe she should just to show Cindy how much she takes her suggestions to heart. It would be so simple to just fall. Then all of a sudden she’d wake up in a place called heaven and be with Cara and Ahsan. It didn’t sound too bad to Sola. Sounded almost like a relief.