countdown... | Ateez Yunho

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I woke up next to Yunho who was still peacefully sleeping. Looking at him made me feel extremely insecure. Why would someone like him want to be with someone like me? If he was actually my soulmate, I think I would live with the constant guilt that he'd be stuck with someone who was entirely undesirable. So, I guess that really meant that he did pity me. I felt like an even bigger loser than before.

As I watched, his body started shifting around. Could he feel my eyes on him? I immediately looked away, embarrassed by the fact that I was staring. But, a part of me kept glancing back over. Would it be too big of a dream to ask him for a kiss? If my theory is right and him taking me out on a date out of pity is true, then there was no chance he would ever kiss me. I guess I'll never know what that sensation would feel like.

"Aera?" he said, groggily. I quickly hid my face under the sheets. I felt a small yank and when he finally managed to pull them down, his face was right above mine.

"Were you crying?" he whispered, his voice full of concern.

I was ashamed that he had to keep seeing me in such pitiful states.

"This hurts, Yunho," I managed to choke out.

"What does?"

"Knowing that this isn't real love."

"I told you that we could call it whatever you wanted."

"Do you even like me?"

"Do you want me to?"

"You're driving me crazy!" I yelled as I pushed him off of me.

"Should I go then?"

"Please, don't." I desperately grabbed onto him.

"Then, what do you want?"

"I want you to hold me."

He heavily sighed before bringing me into his arms. Why was I making things so difficult?

"I'm really excited for our date," I said, muffled into his chest.

"We'll have it tomorrow, right before your birthday hits."

"So, you'll be with me until the end?"

"Of course. I don't want you to be alone."

What did I do to deserve a boy like him? Well, I guess it made sense as to why I couldn't stay with him. Life would've been too nice if we got to be together. And life isn't supposed to be nice.

"I want you to like me, Yunho," I confessed out of nowhere.

"Okay, then I like you, Aera."

"No, I want you to actually like me and not just say it. What can I do to make you like me?"

"You don't need to change anything."

"Liar!" I suddenly screamed out. I pulled away from him as my frustration began to build up yet again.

"Aera, why are you acting like this?"

"Because I feel so guilty wasting your time. I should be a good person and let you go but I'm selfish and I want you to stay. So please, tell me what I can do to make your life less miserable."

"Why are you putting yourself through all of this?"

"Because I want to be loved! But, I clearly am undeserving of it no matter how badly I want it. It doesn't matter how much I like you because you'll never like me back." Tears were rapidly falling down my face as my voice got quieter.

"Let's just think more positive thoughts, okay?"

"If I was prettier, would life have been easier on me? Would it make you love me more?" I asked, disregarding his suggestion.

"You know that's not true."

"Then, why do I feel like the world is against me?"

"Have you ever considered the fact that you don't understand love at all? How can you love when all you think about are these fantasies that never happen? And most importantly, how could you even think about loving someone else more than yourself? Why are you prioritizing me over your own mental health? It is so painful seeing you break down like this." His voice was stern, almost like a disappointed parent.

"I just want to be happy. I want to feel okay for once."

He paused for a moment. I was sure that I had freaked him out.

"Well, I can try and help with that!" he shouted while grabbing onto my hand and pulling me up. He had a way of making things less tense than they are.

"What are you doing?" I asked while giggling. He started randomly spinning me around as he picked me up.

"I'm making sure all your sadness goes away!" We both started laughing like crazily.

Once he finally put me down, the two of us laid on our backs, trying to calm down our dizziness.

"I think this has been the best week I've ever had," I said, turning my head to face him.

"And I'll make sure the finale will be even better."

I paused for a moment to stare at him. Would I freak him out even more if I kissed him? The anxious thought left my mind as I slowly raised my head and leaned in. I saw him hesitantly pull back.

"I'm sorry," I immediately said while sitting straight up and looking down at the ground. I guess I wasn't understanding the mixed signals.

"It's okay," he awkwardly replied while sitting up and scratching the back of his head. We sat in silence for a while until he finally spoke up.

"Hey, who's that?" he questioned as he got up to grab a picture frame with me and Nari in it.

"That's my best friend, Nari."

"Oh right, you told me about her. She's very pretty." He smiled as he looked down at it. Hearing him say that felt like a knife going through my heart. Of course he was allowed to find her pretty. It was wrong of me to feel so angry about it. But, why did he have to? Why couldn't he think I was?

"I know." I gave a weak smile.

Maybe it was foolish for me to think he actually liked me. But, was I so wrong to assume? What did he gain from any of this? Was this just some sort of game for him?

"I can introduce you two if you want," I said, even though it pained me to.

"Okay." He smiled once again.

Why couldn't I just be like a girl like Nari..?